9:53am
I cannot believe it’s April! I probably say that for every month. hah! But really, I’m almost done with work. Then who knows what I’ll do with my life. I mean, I’ll probably start on the backyard. It’s starting to look like a jungle back there. That way I can have an excuse to start drinking at noon after it gets too hot for yard work. haha! I know, I have all my priorities figured out! ;)
We’ve been counting down the days but now I think I should probably stop doing that and just take things one day at a time. I feel like I might have mentioned this already? But if I think about all the work we have to do in the next two weeks it gets kind of overwhelming. Taking it one day at a time is easier. I just need to get up and go through the motions and let the day bring whatever it’s going to bring. I know that things will always, always turn out the way they’re supposed to. No matter what. So there’s no point in worrying about the numbers, or the phone, or the people, or the paperwork. Each day will bring whatever it’s going to bring and there isn’t much I can do to change any of it. Just breathe in and out…
I had some light bulb moments over the last couple of days. You know that I have to talk about TF for a minute. There’s just so much running through my head. It’s seriously on a non-stop loop. Over and over. All the words, all the moments, and the feels. I’d say that I probably need to stop drinking, since that seems to exacerbate the situation in my head, but so does being alone in a room, or being in a quiet space, or waking up in the middle of the night and staring into the darkness, or seeing a dirty brown truck. Can’t exactly get rid of all of those situations, can I? So I’ll keep drinking for now. [Although I am trying to cut back - is it funny that when I thought about getting together with TF I thought that it would be helpful to be around him since he doesn’t drink much during the week. ha. oh well. I’ll do it on my own.]
My major light bulb moment came this morning though. I’ve been having a really tough few days. Yesterday was ok because I was distracted by the baby shower [which went really well but damn it takes a long time to open gifts!] and then we drove out to have dinner and do some quick shopping so it was warm in the sunshine and I felt ok. But then I got home and the tears came back because everything reminds me of him. I just wanted things to be good between us. And I want to get rid of these thoughts that have become so invasive that I think of nothing else. That’s not how it’s supposed to be. I’m not supposed to lose myself in him. But I just kept getting so wrapped up in everything about him that I’d forget to be myself. I assumed that that would wear off after the initial infatuation phase. That we’d get comfortable with each other and I’d remember that I have my own shit to do and it doesn’t always revolve around him. I never really got the chance to find out if that’s what happens though. I really wish I could want to be with him and still want to be myself at the same time. Like why do things have to change? Why do all of these other emotions have to get involved. How do you keep that from happening, or how do you make it stop?!
Anyway, I realized that a huge part of it is that I think I feel guilty. I know! It’s crazy! But I feel guilty for taking, or getting, so much from him and not being able to give anything in return. It’s just my nature. That’s the kind of person I am. I hate taking something and not giving anything in return. It doesn’t feel right.
I was thinking about this and I suddenly remembered that I felt the same way about CK when he came into my life. He showed up during this really dark time and he changed my whole world. It’s still so clear in my mind. The way I turned the corner from the back room and he was looking at me and in that split second of eye contact this puzzle piece fell into place and nothing was ever the same, but in the best most amazing way possible!
I kept trying to find ways to give him something in return. To teach him something, or change his world in some way. I wanted him to experience some kind of epiphany like I did.
Same with TF! He came in here, and he hit on me, and he made me feel so amazing! He blew my world apart! I did like a 180 spin and I’m a completely different person now. A way better version of myself! He made me want to be better. To look better, and take better care of myself, and just improve my whole life. I mean I started conditioning my hair for Pete’s sake! haha. It’s such a stupid simple thing, but it makes a difference. It changes things. Which is probably why I feel so guilty and why I can’t let go of the idea of him.
Isn’t this what people search their whole lives for? Someone that makes them want to be better. Someone that you have intense chemistry with. That you’re totally attracted to.
He doesn’t even know he made any of these differences, but I still feel guilty that I didn’t give him anything back in return. Or I don’t know if he got anything out of it, but I’m assuming he didn’t. At least he never seemed to act like he did. So it’s a pretty safe bet. I kept trying to hold on to him because I wanted to give him something. I want him to feel the way that I do! I want him to benefit from our interactions before we walk away from each other.
Maybe that’s wrong. I know I shouldn’t feel bad about it, or guilty, but like I said it’s just the way I am. I can’t help it. I want to give in order to receive. I don’t want to just take, take, take. Chalk it up as a character flaw, I guess. But not really. I don’t exactly feel that bad about it. I kinda like that I am this way. That I want to give back to the people who make such amazing differences in my world. I want to mean something to them too, and I guess maybe that part makes me a little selfish. I’ve always been a fixer. I want to fix something in their world in return. That’ll probably just make me feel better about myself. Get rid of the guilt if I know they got something too.
There’s also this tiny part of me that wants TF to admit that he just wanted a piece of ass. I don’t know, but I think him saying that would make me feel better. It would surely be easier to move on knowing that he never actually cared about me in a feelings kinda way and just wanted to get into my pants. Because he definitely admitted that he wanted to bang me [my words, not his; he was nicer about it] but it was the part where he acted like he cared that gets me. Like after that moment where I was finally really freaken honest with him about being strung along and feeling cheap with all the comments about my ass and then he came back and left me cute little notes and brought me a peace offering of tequila [which basically makes me forget any wrong doings ;)] and finally asked me out again, and stopped being a jerk. For like a week…
But yeah, that’s the part that hurts. The part that keeps me from letting go. I remember those moments where he did things like that and it made him seem like he cared about me because I don’t think a guy would try that hard just to screw me you know? Or maybe they would. I apparently know a lot less about men than I thought.
So whatever. I was doing ok this morning. New day, new week, all that. I’m trying really very hard to stay in this headspace where I only remember the good things and don’t get so upset about the whole situation. I did get an amazing benefit from this and I get to keep that no matter what. But maybe that’s the problem.
I don’t want to say that I’d rather go back to the way I was, but it certainly was easier. To not want someone this way. To just wander around living my own life, worried about my own things, being happy and carefree. It was just me against the world. I was finally in this place where I was completely happy, open to the possibilities, and ready to explore whatever the world had to offer.
And I had no idea what it felt like to be attracted to someone. I had no idea what it felt like to connect with someone in this way. To like someone that liked me back. I didn’t know any of that. That’s the part that makes me a little mad at the world because I wouldn’t freaken miss this/him if I’d never experienced it. You can’t miss something you’ve never had!
I’m just spinning in circles now, which I’m apt to do, especially since it’s getting busier here at work. Everyone wants everything at the same time. Not enough time to focus on my thoughts. I’ll move on for now. I need to focus on getting rid of all this negative energy and get back to the place I was when I felt so absolutely amazing. That’s where I want to be! Now and forever.
rose.
4:03pm
[Also I just realized that I haven’t had lunch and maybe that’s why I can no longer concentrate and I feel like I hate the world. Time for a snack…]
Then I posted this about 20 minutes ago and I was catching up on things so I log into our work email account and the first thing I see is a new email from TF. A picture of a check he sent right before 2pm. =| He’s always called to let us know about these things, or stopped by, or reached out in some way, and today he just sent the picture in the email with no words or explanations…and it f*cking crushes my soul....seriously world!? Quit screwing me! I’m so over this.
-Update x3: It’s 6:27 now and I am over my pity party. Really. I feel ok about this. I want to go back to the way we were before all the drama. Like when he’d come in and I’d watch him from afar and just enjoy the occasional joke. If we can go back to silly flirting, that would be even better, but I doubt we can get to that place again. So I’ll take what I can get.
I showed Mom the email and she was telling me to reply but I said I wasn’t going to say anything because he didn’t write any words. She changed her mind but then later joked that we should tell him he’s buying dinner [because he got the check] and again I said no. But I was only kidding. I knew she wanted to respond, so a little later I asked again if she was going to reply and she said no. I said, “Mom, if you want to say something just tell me. I don’t care. It’s not like I’m holding anything against him.” And she quickly said that she wanted to reply and I shot him an email saying “we’re winning! we’re winning!” because clearly she’s excited. We’re all excited that this is finally being fixed! :) Within about 10 minutes he said, “Yeah us!!!” and there we go. All done. Just like it used to be. I mean, I still think he should have called. He doesn’t have to be scared to talk to me. I’m only a little bit intimidating when I’ve been burned. =] It is kinda sweet that mom’s trying to take my side, as if there are any sides in this. It’s ok though. She doesn’t need to treat him any differently. I’m not trying to turn everyone against him and hate him. Sometimes shit just doesn’t work out the way you think it’s going to!
Honestly I feel really calm in this moment. Like it really has clicked and I can move on. Not sure what it was, but that email was kinda perfect timing, as they always tend to be. We’re gonna go back to the way we were and we’re all moving on. And everything will be just fine. The way it was always intended to be.
[I take it back world! You were right again. I just hate admitting I’m wrong. I’m only human; don’t hold it against me!]
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