2:48pm
Last night was kinda rough. I kept waking up with this one particular thought replaying over and over in my brain. ”Things would have been different if you didn’t insist on him taking your number that day in September…“
It was as if my subconscious was blaming me [blaming itself?] for what happened between TF and I. Like if I wouldn’t have called out to him and asked if he was going to take my number we would have continued to go on in the same way forever. It would have been another two months before I saw him again and then I probably would have continued to see him every two months after that, or whenever. We could have kept our whole flirty work thing going forever. It might still be going on now without anything else between us. I’d still think he was this shy guy too afraid to actually ask for my personal phone number. Not sure if that would have been a good thing or a bad one though.
I really like the way we were. That’s when I felt the best. But I also really liked that one afternoon we had together. It’s hard to trade that. And I realize that speculating about all of this won’t make a bit of difference, but tell that to my subconscious. Tell that to the thoughts that kept invading my space every single time I woke up last night. It was hard to get rid of and I was in that half-awake state where you have very little control over what you’re actually processing through your brain.
Another thing I realized yesterday, and maybe that contributed to the thoughts, was that I am very averse to being touched now. Like if someone just swipes by my hand, even my own mother, it makes my skin crawl and freaks me out. I mean, I wasn’t a big fan of being touched before but it’s just gotten 100x worse. I know a huge part of that is the fact that TF held my hand so much. Not just that night in the car but so many times when he stopped by the office. So that touch across my hand triggers something in my brain now and it makes me cringe and pull away as quickly as possible. I kinda hate it. =|
Also, this morning I went back to read old entries [I’m such a masochist] and I realized that sh*t between us actually started spiraling right around our meeting in February. Maybe seeing each other was our downfall? We were doing alright, not great or anything, but then it really fell apart after he came in here. That hour and a half sorta destroyed us.
I know that I kept starting fresh with him. I kept completely forgetting everything that was said between us and starting over. I shouldn’t have done that, and somewhere inside I knew I was doing it, but try telling yourself that in the moment. Try stopping your brain and being like, “HEY! you moron! You just had this exact conversation with him last week!!!!” That’s why I’m so glad I was documenting everything. I knew this would come in handy. Because I read them back and realized after that meeting in February is when he got super bold and started making all the comments. [ Maybe it was my fault for showing off my assets, albeit mostly unintentionally…I didn’t realize I had that much power ;) ] Like he was just relentless no matter what I said and initially I panicked because I was afraid to get close and then I just got annoyed.
I sorta went over it in my mind today. Put a timeline together of what I remember that happened between us. The entries really helped since it was all laid out right there in order and yeah, that’s exactly how it went. We never recovered from those moments.
Which sucks because damn it could have been good. And I’m a little pissed that I didn’t get to enjoy it. That I didn’t get to savor those moments. Does that make sense? Like I could have been so into that. I could have believed all of his words and soaked it all in. I could have fallen for all that “you’re so beautiful” crap. I could have admitted how into him I was. I could have told him how badly I wanted to have his arms wrapped around me. I could have agreed to let him come over and kiss me.
But I didn’t. I didn’t get to really revel in it, you know? Part of me wishes I had, but the reality of it is that I would regret this a lot more if I had. If I’d let myself get that close to him because for me feelings/emotions and physical connection are always interrelated. I could never kiss a guy I didn’t feel something for. Or I could never kiss a guy and then not feel something for him. I get that it doesn’t really work that way anymore. I mean I must be the last one left to put that much stock into things but I really don’t care. It’s just the way I am. Can’t really change that, no matter how hard I try or think I want to.
I have something very specific in mind for my life, like in the general sense of it, I don’t have the whole damn thing planned out. I don’t think I’m asking for much. I don’t think it’s a big deal that I want to get to know someone before I give any of myself away. I don’t see the fault in that. I really don’t.
I do get that there are pieces of me that are broken. Scarred from years of dealing with life in ways that I shouldn’t have had to. But it is what it is and people have to give me a chance to try and change. They have to be patient with me. They have to think I’m worth waiting for. They have to give me a reason to want to work it all out. I’m willing to give that person the world, but they just have to give me a shot.
Everything happens for a reason. I know this. My entire life is based on this happening over and over again. It’s constantly proven. So I know that this is going to turn out the exact way it’s supposed to.
I’m just not sure if I’m more afraid of letting go of him and this idea of us, or of holding on and having him come back…
rose.
9:57pm
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