I hear it, that familiar calling of reckless behavior. That sense of standing at the bottom of a pool as it feels with waters and your loved ones watch as you stay stuck to the bottom, unaware what was once an empty pool is now filled with jello.
This is what it’s like for me almost daily. I can’t help it, I am without a doubt my own worst enemy. This is what Borderline Personality disorder, ADHD, Bipolar II and anxiety does to you. You get distracted, you get angry, you’re happy and unsure of why the world around you is all of a sudden unhappy and you feel guilty for being happy so you throw yourself into a deep depression that people see as a cry for attention or something they are unable to fix so they ignore it. I however have mastered the fake smile that covers up every emotion. I can seem happy at the worst of moments or in the worst of pain. I get off topic a lot and that’s how I’m ADHD, I can change the mood in one wise crack and make others laugh at the worst of times also. But I still hurt on the inside.
My whole life has been nothing but a rollercoaster. I’ve changed lives, I’ve made people feel like they truly matter (because they do, even you reading this, you’re fucking amazing and you got this), I’ve have had them fall in love and I do the same. And I feel guilty for anyone who loves me. I’m a reckless wreck and I feel like I have fucked up those lives that I have have touched, those love that I have change and for those who have fallen in love with me. I am not the best thing for anyone I am to much me for any to understand that!! I feel like I have broken so many people by loving them with everything that I have to give.
Anyways this is my reckless ramble
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