a particularly good barrage in idea barrages

1.) I’m not “limited edition”, I’m weird.

2.) If you’re even in a fight with a kleptomaniac, yell “take that!” and it will confuse the hell out of them.

3.) I like to believe that just before Earth Wind and Fire got big, they fired their Pete Best equivalent who was named Water.

4.) If you find treating people who aren’t like you with dignity and humanely “PC” and “a bother”, that’s on your sociopathy, not on us.

5.) Not enough people have tattoos that turn each of their butt cheeks into a pair of twin Slimers from GHOSTBUSTERS.

6.) I hope Art Bell someday writes a relationship advice book called “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Mars, Earth Is Secretly Actually Mars”.

7.) When you win the NIT Championship, you should get a big trophy that says “The 69th Best Team In College Basketball”.

8.) When we are invaded by The Stone Men from Jupiter, they’ll see the Lincoln Memorial and assume he’s our king.

9.) Crapping your pants is embarrassing. You know what’s REALLY embarrassing? Crapping someone ELSE’S pants.

10.) A biker from London who youtubes about cute pets could be Foghog’s Dog Vlog.

11.) You can rent Aquaman’s castle for the night from waterbnb.

12.) Work is not its own reward. Work sucks. Work when you have to, work hard, but never work more than you have to. Life is for farting around.

13.) Saturday, someone will awake from a coma, be told Trump’s in the White House, see it’s April Fools Day and have a moment of false hope.

14.) When Santa says “ho ho ho”, he’s not laughing, he’s saying he’ll prostitute himself for snack cakes.

15.) If you don’t like the weather in Central New York, just wait fifteen minutes and then it’ll be even worse.

16.) If The Deep State exists & they can save us from Trump I say go for it, Lizard People, you can’t be as bad as The Game Show Host.

17.) Always remember that Walden Pond wasn’t in the wilderness, it was like two miles from his house and his wife would bring him lunch.

18.) Even the best periscope in the world is only sub-optimal.

19.) There is a zoo in London with only an aquarium and a primate habitat called “Fish & Chimps”.

20.) Trading testimony for immunity is a kind of a pausable deniability.

21.) I’m too sexy for this yurt too sexy for this yurt so sexy it hurts I’m a Mongol y’know what I mean & I do my little turn on the Great Steppe

22.) If you drink kombucha for three months straight, you poop a single Super Mario 1-Up Mushroom.

23.) In Putin’s Russia, election hacks you.

24.) One podcast pitch I could make would be “Second Opinion Cinema” where every ‘cast we re-evaluate some legendarily bad movie.

25.) Your company that sells uniforms to pilots will be called “The Yonder Wears”.

26.) The fact that Keurig has never employed Katie Couric as a pitchwoman is more proof that my ideas are better.