6:16pm
Still no sign from CK. I’m guessing a visit and a bottle of Irish Death are off the table for this go-around. That’s ok. My schedule’s too crazy to try to set things up right now. Basically if I want to hang out with someone I have to give up my free time, which is sorta precious to me considering how little of it I have these days.
We did see a little rabbit outside the office though! I don’t think I’ve ever seen a rabbit here, let alone anywhere around town. I think I killed one coming back from Ck’s on that last late night at like 2am. ha. That broke my heart a little. =| But yeah, cutest stinkin’ rabbit with its big ol’ ears was just sitting right in front of our office door. Sat there for a while too but the coffee shop next door is super busy. I think it’s spring break for a lot of people in the State so there are a lot of travelers. It’s not usually that busy around four o’clock. It took off and ran around the parking lot a bit and then we lost track of him. I really hope we don’t find it’s squished up body on the road somewhere.
While we were watching it out the window, after the client left, I made some comment about calling TF and telling him to bring his gun to put it out of its misery, you know, because he’s a hunter. She didn’t say anything in response to that but then like a minute later goes, “I wonder why TF just disappears like that?” I mumbled curse words under my breath. And she goes, “No…you don’t want a husband like that..” Of course being the person I am I said that it was a good thing I wasn’t looking for a husband. [Lies! I want one eventually. And I probably would have married him if he’d been halfway serious about it…] She agreed. I made a quick comment about how I’d hope that if you were married to someone they wouldn’t disappear for weeks at a time, but whatever. She got distracted by stuff outside and the conversation was dropped after that.
I get all this! That I don’t need him. That I do not want someone like that. But damn it! I’m still that girl refusing to give up her pony. There’s still this tiny bit of hope inside of me that ruins any idea of moving on. I wish I could see and focus on all the “bad” things. The flaky non-committal attitude. The fact that he stopped trying to impress me. I can’t though. I wake up in the middle of the night and remember the conversation we had about how he respected me. Or the way he sounded so serious when he proposed to me over the phone. Or the way his hand fit so neatly into mine.
sigh I used to make fun of people who said that they couldn’t control how they felt. The heart wants what it wants, right?
I spend every day floating somewhere between denial and anger, which I guess isn’t a bad thing? It means I’m making my way through the grieving process, or something. It sure does hurt though. I mean, I want someone that’s going to want me. And if I’m really being honest, I want someone who’s going to want me just a little bit more than I want them. He doesn’t seem to fit that description right now but there were all these little moments where he did and those are the only ones I seem to remember.
I am trying though. I swear I won’t continue to go on and on about this forever. It just helps to get the thought out of my head and onto paper (or screen).
A big part of it today was just hearing what my mom said. It kinda hurts to hear her saying stuff like that about him. Because you know that inside I’m screaming out but I want him. He’s the one. Don’t think he’s a bad guy! Some of this is my fault. Please don’t give up on this idea yet! And I can’t stop those thoughts, but I can’t say them out loud either.
Ah well. Such is life right? You spend almost 30 years fiercely protecting your heart and then suddenly out of nowhere it ends up feeling broken anyway. I wish I’d known it was going to turn out that way.
Apparently there are some things that I did know - from exactly a year ago:
People aren’t interested in me that often, you see. Especially not people that I would be interested in in return. So it’s exciting and weird and I’m all about it whenever it happens. Not that this will develop into anything, or even remotely be a thing in the future, but it’ll serve its purpose.
And maybe, in the end, the only real purpose of this is to teach me how to see myself as a grown up. A grown woman who can be beautiful. Who is beautiful, and amazing, and all those other great things that grown men love. I don’t always have to be this shy, quiet, invisible girl. It’s ok to enjoy a little attention and not freak out about all the unknowns. Perhaps that’s all there is to this in the end.
Perhaps I am smarter than I look, or just wicked good at jinxing my own life! =\
rose.
6:29pm
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