March 29, 2017
5:11pm
I want to write right now but I’m struggling to find any real motivation to say anything. Funny how I can pour hundreds of words out about a boy but I can’t seem to write a couple sentences about regular ol’ life happenings. I have made some notes though. So at least I can follow my own prompts to maybe get something down.
The baby shower is coming up this Sunday. I think all four of us are going to make it back to town for it so that should be fun. I mean, everyone else is going to make it into town, I’m still here. hah. But I’m looking forward to getting the group together again, especially to celebrate something fun like this! The first one of us to have a tiny little baby. It’s exciting! =)
There are a lot of life events happening among us all right now so it’ll be interesting to hear all the stories. I know Y’s working on buying a house and K just had her engagement happen so I’m sure I’ll be hearing all kinds of gossip.
I feel like I should be sad that I don’t have anything new to report. I’ve had 9 days off since the beginning of this year. I guess that’s interesting? ha. I can’t really complain about working so much either because then I spend the next 8 months pretty much doing whatever the heck I want. So yeah. I’m probably working on Sunday too but I’ll try my best not to rush out of there and just enjoy the time with them. It shouldn’t last all day anyway.
What else could I say besides that? I’ve had all kinds of boy drama over the last six months? That might make for fun stories. But nah. I’m way too private to share any of that. Y’s the only one that knows about TF and that’s because I was so dang excited when we started seriously flirting back in August. I couldn’t contain my enthusiasm and had to tell someone. I was just so sure it was going to turn into something. ha!
My real point here is that I’m not sad that I don’t have any big news items. Like I’m perfectly fine with it. Really! It doesn’t cause me any anxiety, or make me feel depressed, or anything. Is that weird? Like should I panic that they’re all going through all these milestones and I’m no where near any of them?
As much as I want(ed) to start something up with TF, I’m really actually happy with my life right now. I like being single. It’s one of the best things I have going for me. I’m fiercely independent. I still think a partner is more of a ball and chain than any kind of benefit. haha. Which is why I take dating so seriously. It’s a means to an end for me. I’m only ever going to get involved with someone that I think has long term potential. There’s no other reason to give up what I have. I’d have to see a future. I guess that also tends to push people away. Or maybe just that one person, because I’ve never bothered to try with anyone else. I never felt like anyone else was worth it.
Speaking of that situation: I’m currently somewhere between “eff you TF, you’re such a moron for not giving this a shot.” and missing him more than anything else. heh. I mostly feel like I want to put on my sexiest outfit next time he has to come in and let him see what he’s missing out on. Because I will find a way to move on, if that’s what I have to do, but he’ll always want me. No doubt.
Which leads me back to the one thing I do have going on right now: my Confidence! ;)
It is crazy to feel this way day in and day out. It’s so foreign to me. So different. So far from what I’m used to. I find it so hard to believe that just a year ago I was so self-conscious and had such low self-esteem that I couldn’t ever even imagine someone wanting me in the way I wanted.
March 30, 2017
3:36pm
I still can’t seem to focus on these things long enough but I think I’m almost done with this one.
Anyway, I was talking about this new found confidence, which still totally amazes me. You have no idea what it’s like to look at myself in the mirror and think I’m the cutest girl in the world vs. only seeing my flaws. It’s too amazing to even attempt to put into words that would make sense. It’s just the best feeling in the world. And I will forever and always thank TF for that because he started it all. That’s why I can’t regret what we had. I can’t ever try to take it back or say I wish it didn’t happen, because he’s the only reason I am the way I am right now. He’s the only reason I’m this damn happy with myself. His words, his actions, his interactions with me changed my whole world. I can’t feel anything but grateful for that, despite how it turned out.
This last week alone I had three separate people comment on how great I looked. Now, all these people had the same thing in common: they were all older ladies. haha! But still. I’ll take whatever compliments come my way! =]
The first was a client of ours and I overheard her talking to mom while I was getting their copies. I heard something about “she has such small features.” haha. Weird ‘cause my eye doctor said I had big eyes, but whatever. =P Later Mom told me that she was saying how beautiful I was and Mom assumed that the lady probably wished she had a son closer to my age to introduce me to. Wouldn’t be the first time!
Then on Saturday I saw my friend’s grandma at church. She’d been standing behind us and one of the first things she said to me was something along the lines of “you’re looking so great.” On Sunday I saw this same friend’s mom at the neighbor’s bbq and she did the same thing. She said something about how pretty I am and she even tried to squeeze my face, which I pulled away from and hugged her instead. Don’t touch me lady! lol. But no, it’s ok to keep telling me how pretty I am. It’s not going to my head at all! ;)
Seriously. I’ve had more compliments since the start of this year than I’ve probably ever had in my life. I know a big part of this is just the confidence I’m carrying around with me. Like feeling good, and looking good, and radiating that out to the world are all such great things. It’s true that you can project that kinda thing. I never really knew that. Or never recognized it as fact. People notice this sh*t though. Clearly. Or I wouldn’t be getting so many compliments this year compared to all the other years. I’m still the same girl. I wear the same clothes, and have the same sarcastic attitude. Nothing else has changed but the way I feel when I look in the mirror.
In slightly related news: I almost felt a little bad about the way I dressed when CK came by on Saturday because I was wearing this tight form fitting sweater that I got for Christmas.
[quick sidenote: I was actually shocked it fits because it’s like a medium and I never wear anything that small. People always buy me these tiny sizes though! I guess it’s good I make people think I’m that small? haha.]
I purposely didn’t wear my tight pants though and I think I was just in black flats. That sweater though; Whew! I’m not even sure he pays attention to those things but I did see him looking over at me a couple of times. I tried not to make too much eye contact though and I didn’t see him overtly check me out or anything. Definitely nothing like TF. That guy would practically undress me with his eyes. Like that one time he was staring at me and I asked why he wasn’t saying anything and he said he was just “checking out the attire”. Subtle dude. Poor guy’s never going to be able to handle being in my presence again.
Ok, see, I seriously cannot stop thinking/talking about him. Even when I’m in the middle of talking about another guy! argh.
So yeah, I felt a little bad about looking like that in front of CK. Especially after not seeing each other in two years. Little Rose is all grown up =P
Somewhere near the end (he was here for about 2 hours) Mom suddenly remembered that we’d seen him and he didn’t say hi. She was referencing that time in April that he drove by us, but he had no idea what she was talking about. He ended up saying that he had gone by the house to say hi and I said that we didn’t see him. He said no one was home but that he and J had stopped by. Turns out he was talking about the trip they did in October. The one when I’m pretty sure we were out in Oregon and I was drinking Irish Death and really wanted to text him. He was probably standing outside my house at that exact moment. Crazy!
Well, he said that they’d burned a lot of bridges during that trip because they didn’t stop to see anyone. I said something to Mom about, “hey, see at least it wasn’t just you” and he made a quick quiet comment about how he was glad he hadn’t burnt this bridge. It might have been around this same time that Mom was making jokes about not staying connected with people and he said he didn’t like having emotional attachments. Then I joked about that being why he moved all the way out to middle of nowhere Alaska [he said he’s in Fairbanks right now - not exactly middle of nowhere]. Mom went on about this and I could tell she was making subtle references to him not keeping in touch with me. I don’t think he clued into it. Although he did have this look in his eyes like maybe he sorta regretted not staying friends. Or I don’t know. Apparently I read way too much into things. Or misread way too much into things. =|
Another client had arrived by this time, and we were closing early to go to church, so Mom got up and he asked if she was kicking him out. She said he was welcome to stay and talk to me but she had to take care of the other client. He gathered his stuff and did come up front but only for a minute or two. We’d been making jokes about needing a beer to deal with all this paperwork and so when he came up front we continued the earlier jokes. He said we should get together for a drink, or that next time he’d bring booze. He was standing there watching me when he goes, “you liked that Irish Death, right?” and I laughed. Because I’d been wanting to bring up the same thing, but stupidly thought he didn’t remember our bonding over it! Silly me.
I said yeah and he said he thought he had 1 bottle left that we could share. I told him to guess what I had at home and he goes, “the same thing? ....well then it wouldn’t be a special thing to have.” But I quickly corrected and said that mine was in a can though and it wasn’t the same thing at all. I didn’t want him to think I didn’t want to sit down and have a beer with him. I’m flattered he’d share his last bottle with me! So we started talking about when I’d have time off. I wasn’t available until after six that day but I had Sunday off. He was saying something about how he would need to come back into town for DMV so he commented on how they weren’t open on Sunday. I said it’s hard during the week because I’m supposed to close at six but you never know. Sometimes I’m out at 7 or 8. Right before he left he said he’d stop by Thurs or Friday around 6 and we could consider it closed and have a beer. Then he said some stuff about being in touch and he left.
I’m not sure I’ll actually see him before he leaves town again. It’s already Thursday and I haven’t seen or heard from him. I have the same cell number but not sure he knows that. He didn’t ask. Honestly I’m a little bummed it’s not the off season because he’s driving all the way back to Alaska alone and I would totally volunteer to co-pilot! Like I’d straight up invite myself along for a trip like that!!
Oh well. This is way longer than I thought it would be. I should have started a new entry. It’s all pretty interrelated though.
Time to go.
rose.
5:40pm
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