just like yesterday in 2017

12:07pm

So I have had some time to sit with things and I guess I can start reflecting on life and the universe and all that.

CK called the office on Saturday morning and started saying all this stuff about how he wasn’t sure he was going to make it. He’d found a bunch of paperwork and thought he needed to go through it before he came in. I pushed to convince him to just bring what he had and we’d go from there.
[ulterior motive being that I wanted to see him and not sit around waiting/wondering when he’d show up - hello impatience, I didn’t miss you…]

I ended up passing him over to Mom when he had questions I wasn’t sure about and she talked to him for a few minutes. Gave him a hard time for being so spacey and not tracking stuff. Typical Mom. I sat at my desk and laughed at the part of the conversation I could hear. By the time she hung up it sounded like she’d convinced him to just throw all his stuff in a box and head this way.

Right around 2pm I started busying myself with putting some files together. I was leaned over the cabinet when I looked up to see that tall red-headed cowboy walking through the door. We smiled at each other, and said hi, and Mom walked over pretty quickly and gave him a hug so it wasn’t totally awkward. [She later gave me a hard time for not hugging him but I was on the other side of the desk messing with the filing cabinets. It’s always so weird to walk all the way around to hug someone..]

After that first minute or two we just sorta picked up right where we’d left off 2 years ago. It felt more like a month. Like no time had really passed at all. At least not the kind of time that’s marked by so many years.

Other than looking a bit older, more mature, he still looked exactly the same. Tall, skinny, red beard, short shaved hair, baseball cap, belt buckle and boots. All the same, exactly like I remembered him. I’m not sure I really expected him to look any different either.

I gotta be honest though, I still didn’t really feel anything towards him. You’d think with how freaken long [and how many entries] it took me to get over him I’d feel a lot more towards him. But nope. I guess I always did say, from the very beginning, that he’d be the kind of guy I’d settle for. Like he’d be perfect. Loyal, trustworthy, kind, gentle, respectful, honest, funny etc. But there just isn’t any spark.

I really thought I’d feel more seeing him again. Like all these feelings would be renewed. Because when he left I was pretty devastated. It took me more than a year to get over him. Maybe closer to two? We weren’t ever anything more than friends either and half the time we were closer to pseudo-friends. With long gaps in communication even when he lived 10 miles away. But still I felt enough to be a little lost after he left.

I guess maybe it was just because he was the only friend I’ve really made since I moved back home. Which is pretty sad, but true. He was always so easy to talk to and we always picked right back up again. Clearly that hasn’t changed. He was my beer drinking buddy and I missed him a lot after he left. I didn’t have anyone to shoot the shit with anymore. I didn’t get to go back out and enjoy the sounds of nature while we kicked back on his front porch. That’s still one of my favorite memories to date.

People are going to hate reading this but honestly, I think this visit from him did nothing more than to push me back towards TF. The idea of him. Of what I know we could be. Because it’s impossible to explain but I know he’s not this guy he’s pretending to be. He’s putting up a front that I’ve already seen through. And I don’t know if it’s my intuitive side or what, but I know that he wants more. He’s just too scared to admit it. We would be so good for each other. We both know this.

There’s a part of me, especially over the last couple of days, that’s tried convincing myself that my gut is wrong. That none of this stuff is true. That my intuition is not really that good. That I’m actually terrible at reading people and I’m just in some major denial. But I just can’t be convinced. I pride myself on my ability to read people, to see what they don’t show to the rest of the world, and I cannot believe that I’ve completely misread him. There’s just no way I could be that off! I know none of this makes sense, especially given his actions and my retelling of them, but not everything needs an explanation. Sometimes you just know.

Yes, there’s a strong possibility that six months from now, or a year from now, I’ll be laughing at how I thought I was so ridiculously smart, but I’ll deal with that if it comes.

There’s also the possibility that I’ll meet someone else that’ll be perfect for me in each and every way. TF certainly came out of nowhere. But you know I can’t see that right now.
Right now all I see are those eyes staring back at me. The way I’ve met hundreds of men and never had this mutual attraction before. I’ve literally never met anyone I liked that liked me back. Never. I’m not even exaggerating. Go back and read through my diary. hah.

Whatever though. I’m just trying to take things one day at a time right now. I have less than a month left at work and I’m counting down the days. We have a lot left to do in that time so one day at a time is the only way I’ll survive. I can’t get stressed or flustered. Just breath in and out. Wake up, go through the motions, and make it out the other side.
Same with TF. He’s never gone more than 2 weeks without speaking to me. Or 2 and a half maybe. I’m not bothered enough to count all our ups and downs right now. My point is that if I don’t hear anything from him by next week, I’ll know it’s time to move on. I’ll know that this was it for us. I’ve never left him without a response before. It’s always me that’s waiting to hear back, so that’s different. It’ll definitely be easier to move on knowing that he’s not going to come back this time…

In other news: I got a text this morning right as I got to work [yes, I secretly hoped it would be TF, damn it I can’t help it!] and it said, “You called it.” From JR. I asked him what I called and he replied “K [name of friend]”. I immediately figured she was engaged. And sure enough, he called me at the office later and I confirmed that she’d posted online about being engaged. After I saw his text this morning I went to check my email and noticed Y sent me two fb messages. One was from yesterday and the other from this morning. I realized that I didn’t get on the computer at all yesterday, between the BBQ and enjoying time to myself. I can’t see either of the messages, stupid fb doesn’t send you a preview anymore, but I assume it’s related. She knows I’m not on instagram and I assume that’s where it was announced. K never uses her fb.

I definitely knew it was going to happen. That guy is so into her. And I really like him. He was great to hang out with. I’m bummed that they’re probably moving to Austin. But I’m so happy for her!

Except: she’s the last of our group to get engaged. Besides me, of course. Which means there’s all kinds of subliminal pressure now. You know, the unspoken kind where everyone starts to wonder what the hell’s wrong with me.
L got married, bought a house, and is about to have a baby [baby shower this weekend!]. Y got married and is buying a house. K just got engaged. Rose is single, no prospects, no house, no babies, not even a damn cat. I can’t even be the cool spinster aunt without a cat!! =(

I was joking with Mom about how I needed to at least find a date if I’m going to be invited to the wedding. So it doesn’t look that terrible you know. But then I thought about it for a second and realized that that was a bad idea. Because Y married the date she took to L’s wedding and now K is marrying the guy she took to Y’s wedding. It’s kind of tradition. I’d pretty much be forced into marrying whoever I took to K’s wedding. haha. Nevermind. No thank you.

You know I say this out loud, but I’m secretly dying on the inside. I would actually like to have a date to something like that but I don’t really get to choose that. I can’t force the world to work the way I want it to, even if it would make for fun future stories between us all.

Have at it, Universe! It’s all yours.

rose.
9:09pm