reflection in 2017

It’s only been a few days but every thing’s always felt like a lifetime with him. I’m still learning patience even now I guess…

I’m doing ok. Better than expected actually! Everything always happens the way it’s supposed to. Proven yet again!

Don’t get me wrong, I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about him. There are moments where I remember something that happened between us and it hurts like hell and my chest aches in a way I never thought possible. But I try my damndest to push that away and out of my mind. It won’t do me any good to dwell on that. It just feeds into my heartache and makes me feel like shit.

I get that there’s still that part of me that’s addicted to the sadness. The part that likes the cold, dark, familiar surrounding of sad painful emotions. It took me a lot of years to work my way through all that, and I love being happy, I’m so grateful to be on this side of things, but there’s still that draw. That tiny little devil in the back of my mind that says to come back to the place I always felt safe. As screwed up as that place is!

So it takes some effort but I resist the temptation as best I can and try to move on to bigger and better things. I’ll probably do a lot of reflecting over the next several days/weeks/maybe even months. Just to sort through every thing that’s going on in my head. There’s a lot up there right now.

I’m also trying hard to resist the temptation to go back and look through old emails and/or texts. That’s not going to do me any good either. You know my brain blocks out the part where we kept having the same freaken conversation over and over again! It only sees the cute moments where he called me beautiful or we had a quick/cute flirty exchange. Damn you brain and your selective reading! You caused me so much wasted time! [Although not really. I don’t mean that! You’re a good brain! and I learned a hell of a lot about myself!]

I did, however, find an old compatibility report I’d done back at the beginning [August maybe?] and holy cow if that thing doesn’t describe us perfectly. Like I have to pay them to find out how the hell they hacked into our brains and our futures and knew all those things were going to happen! I can even see how it describes him so perfectly now. When I ran it I didn’t know much about him so I didn’t know how true it was. But it’s so freaken true!
The way he’s so enthusiastic, and likes change, takes risks, is very social, makes promises he can’t keep. Learned that one the hard way. ;) It says that many people with his number can be emotionally superficial. They feel love passionately, but fear making deep and lasting commitments. They can resist the depths of emotional attachments and remain on the surface where it is safe. It goes on to say that we make up a challenging combination and that our numbers stand for each other’s polar opposites in many ways. It could make for a dynamic relationship comparable to a roller coaster ride. That he’s sensual and feels comfortable around other people and probably has a wild streak whereas I keep my distance and hold onto protocol longer. I’m more conservative and need a structured spiritual connection. Etc. Etc.

I read through all that and I was so amazed. I mean, I don’t 100% believe in these things, but it’s so interesting to read and see when things like that line up.

But then I sat with it a little bit and suddenly had the thought, “oh shit, I read that back in August, what if I totally did one of those self-fulfilling prophecy things?!” This is what I get for working at the Psych department all those years [and studying sociology] but still. In a really crazy, screwed up kinda way it’s totally possible!

Because I’m not even sure we are that different! We don’t even really know each other. Like he knows very little about me and I know a lot of personal life things about him but I have no idea what makes him tick. I’ve literally only seen him ONCE outside of the office on our own. One time! No way can we know anything about each other after one meeting. And you sure as hell don’t learn much through text messages or quick emails! Isn’t that insane? I mean, it could have totally been me. I’m known to jinx things.

There’s still no doubt in my mind that if we spent time together we’d have a lot of fun. We had fun! And we have this playful banter thing going on in person where it sounds like we’re “arguing” but we’re really both just sarcastic assholes. It works for us. But damn if it looks like we’re not going to get a chance to explore that further!

It almost, just a little tiny bit, makes me frustrated that he’s so attracted to me. Of course I want him to like me physically and think I’m the hottest girl alive! But it’s getting in our way. He’s so “overzealous” and he doesn’t even see the fact that we’ve only spent ONE DAY together. That’s so insane to me. I don’t know how to get him to see that. I’m not crazy dude your hormones are just getting in our way!!

sigh What a terrible problem to have, huh? =\

Honestly, if I weren’t this shy, reserved, conservative, looking for love kinda girl it wouldn’t be a problem at all. I’d be all over that.

He doesn’t get it though. He has no idea where I’m coming from and I keep trying to explain it to him and he keeps dodging me. He doesn’t realize that I can’t get close to him because I’m so afraid that I’ll never be able to satisfy him. And I want to satisfy him. I just don’t know any other way.
Like I seriously sit here, day in and day out, and try to tame my lustful desire for him because I just can’t scratch that itch right now. But I’ve literally never been more attracted to any guy I’ve ever met in my entire life. Not one single guy has ever made me feel the way that he does when we’re in the same room. I’ve never wanted anyone more than I want him.

If it weren’t for the fact that I’ve actually been watching him from afar all these years, I’d start to think that maybe that’s all it is. A lust filled attraction. That I want him only because he’s the first guy to show me that kind of attention. Because I felt such amazing self-confidence when he started to flirt with me. Because he’s the first guy to outright flirt with me in like 10 years. Because I suddenly wanted to look good all the time. Because I wanted to do things to be better physically/emotionally/as a person. But I remember all those times he came into the office. The way his eyes were always so bright. The way I’d watch him when he wasn’t looking. Knowing nothing would ever come from it because we never interacted in that way, but watching nonetheless. [and writing little things about him without it ever being a thing] If it weren’t for all that I’d seriously chalk it up as some crazy brain chemistry / hormonal thing and move on.

But I’m not there yet. All those moments are too hard to completely ignore.

rose.
4:59pm