12:09pm
Welp, I’m not sure if I really expected to be writing anything different in here today so I’ll just give the spiel and leave it as an important update to this thing we call life.
It’s the first day of Spring! Can you believe it? Already! I totally forgot about it until they mentioned something about Spring flowers on the news this morning. Our garden has been blooming for the last couple of weeks, confused by the up and down weather I’m sure, but it has been beautiful. I always forget how beautiful this time of year can be! The wisteria just started to bloom a couple days ago and the amazing pink ice plant is looking to explode any day now. The irises are popping up in colors we didn’t even know we had, and the roses are starting up, and just everything is so colorful and makes me so happy to look at as we drive away each morning to work.
I’m not sure that it’s coincidence that this is lining up perfectly with where things are at between TF and I. Or that I’m feeling so much clarity today. It’s just that time of year. The perfect moment to transition from Winter to Spring. I think it’s putting me back in a good place. I’m finally seeing the light again! It’s taken so long. I just hope that I can stay in this place, in this mindset, for so many more days to come.
I know the transition is going to be hard for me. I’ll have my good days and my bad days, but I’ll always hope that the good win out in the end. Because this is what I need. To feel better about myself and where I’m at.
I’ve literally never felt this way. I’ve never had such amazing confidence in myself or my abilities! I have TF to thank for that! Seriously! If he wouldn’t have started flirting with me a year ago I’d still be sitting here wondering how any man is ever going to want me. Now I know they want me, they do exist, and I’m amazing and beautiful and not a little kid anymore. I’m a healthy, grown woman and I know exactly what I want and I’m not going to stop until I get it.
We didn’t meet up to talk yesterday. I’m not surprised. And honestly I’d mostly lost my nerve by then anyway. I couldn’t figure out how I’d ever look him in the eyes and say those things to him. I knew what I wanted, and needed, to say but I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to get the words out. I guess I’m a little embarrassed by it, even though I shouldn’t be. I’m still too shy to be that bold. So the reality is that not hearing from him kinda worked out in my favor. I won’t feel bad about it this time.
There was a quick text exchange though. By 7:30 when I still hadn’t heard a word [I was under the impression he’d let me know when he was free] I sent a text asking why he’s always standing me up and that I wasn’t going to pressure him into anything [like a commitment]. Within minutes he responded to say that he was just on his way home, he wasn’t standing me up, and that I could come over to kiss him. He seriously can’t even go an entire conversation without mentioning something like that. Which drives me crazy! Have some freaken self control dude.
The reality is that we’d already be beyond that step if he could commit to a second date. I mean, how many girls out there are going to wait all these months for a second date and think the guy’s still interested? One of those slutty girls maybe, but she probably would have slept with him on the first date. hah.
I responded that it was really coincidental timing [there’s no doubt in my mind that I would not have heard from him yesterday if I didn’t reach out!] and that there was no way that was going to happen because I’m not interested in a casual fling.
He told me to “knock it off”, and a couple minutes later that he has a busy schedule just like I do, and then about 15 minutes after that that he wanted to make love to me. =| Seriously, I don’t know where he goes that his testosterone gets so revved up. Maybe he was out hunting and the guns, and the guys, and the adrenaline, and the killing. I don’t know. Whatever. Is that just a typical guy these days? I don’t get out much, so it could be.
I ended up responding that that was what I wanted to talk to him about. That he still doesn’t know me very well and I’m not sure we’re ever going to be on the same page. He said that we could be. I just needed to stop being so uptight and let him kiss me. That boiled my blood a little. I mean, uptight? Really?? The guy can’t even make a simple dinner commitment! Or pretend to care about how I feel in all of this! I guess he did say that he was a jerk. I was just giving him the benefit of the doubt.
I said, “Stop being so selfish. You don’t care about anything I’m trying to say to you and it’s true I’m trying to make something of us that’s clearly not there..”
And it ended with him saying, “Babe, let’s make something but I need some love from you.”
HA! He doesn’t need “love” from me, he needs a play toy. He needs my body. He needs a way to satisfy all of his own selfish needs. Well hey dude, I need a second date, and romance, and someone who’s going to want what I want, and someone who will give a damn and think about more than just themselves. [also, since when does he call me babe?!]
I guess we don’t all get what we need.
There was no point in responding after that. I mean there were a lot of things I could have said but what for? He knows where I stand. I think if I ever say anything else to him it’ll be along the lines of: “Look, I’m the kind of girl you take home to your mom, or spend the rest of your life with. I’m not the kind that will kiss you when you can’t even commit to a 2nd date. If you ever decide that that’s what you’re looking for, come find me. I can’t guarantee that I’ll still be available, but it’s worth a shot.”
Yes, clearly I put some actual thought into that. hah. It’s true though. That’s the kind of girl I am. And I don’t ever see that changing. There was a part of me that really wanted to find ways to compromise with him, but it’s just not fair. At some point he needs to give in a little to satisfy me, not just the other way around. It’s a two-way street. And I don’t think I realized that until today, or last night, because he really is sorta being selfish about the whole thing. He’s never once tried to do things my way. At least not for very long. He always goes back to all of the same things no matter what I say.
I probably should have seen that from the beginning. That he would be so aggressive and forward. But I guess I looked past all that and only held onto the way his face turned bright red when I asked if he was going to get my number. And all the times he said he was shy and it seemed true. Or all the times he got embarrassed when we gave him a hard time. Or how he was so respectful that one night at dinner. If I played you a recording of every thing he’s said in person you would never, not in a million years, think he was the same person that’s sent me all those messages. It just doesn’t match. Maybe that’s the part I can’t get over.
Also, it gives me so much anxiety every time he says he wants to kiss me. It’s not that I don’t want to. I’m just so far from an affectionate person! I wasn’t raised that way. Every one I know or have ever been around is super conservative and reserved. Even the young people in the family do not show much affection around other people. It’s just not our thing. I mean JR doesn’t joke about my space bubble for nothing. It’s a real thing. So I get anxious at the thought. If he never mentioned it, it wouldn’t be a problem. If we could just let things happen naturally. Why is that so difficult?!
Not that it matters now. I’m basically over it. In the sense that I’m not going to push to try to make something of us anymore. We really are so different. Total opposites in so many ways and I’m not sure I really believe that opposites attract. We’re stubborn, and proud, and we’ll probably end up fighting all the time anyway. Especially if we can’t find any common ground. So whatever. It is what it is right?
This doesn’t hurt much right now. I’ve had a couple of weeks to get used to the idea of him not being around all the time. I’m not sitting here with my email open, or waiting for my phone to buzz. I’m already of the mindset that we won’t have much communication. The timing’s pretty great actually.
It’s like Spring Cleaning for my brain. Out with the old and in with the new. Time to get rid of all the old thoughts that are holding me back. I have so much I want to do in life and I’m not getting tied down to something that doesn’t completely 100% satisfy all of my needs. I know exactly what I want. I’ve always known. Compromising is fine, but giving up what I really want is not gonna fly. That’s never worth it. I’d rather be alone.
Thank God I’ve learned to be happy on my own!
rose.
4:21pm
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