Despairanoia in 2017

It’s another night sitting in my car downtown, waiting for my phone to ping with a ride. Seems like it’s these times that nudge me to come back here. I’ll forget for a while, and then want to wait til I’m home to catch up on all the entries I’ve missed, but it doesn’t happen.

Things should be popping tonight; after all, it’s St. Patty’s Day. Portland is not a party town though, despite a bizarrely large amount of strip clubs. People just sit and drink their IPAs at pubs and then go home and smoke all the pots. Sure, there are the occasional folks having a good time being crazy and on meth downtown, but you’ll have that everywhere.

Tomorrow is St. Travi’s Day, which should be more exciting. My birthday is on the 15th, so starting last year I decided to lump it in with the nearby drinking holiday and have a hangout on the closest Saturday.

Last weekend would have made more sense, but I was out of town/state/my mind. I was in Boston attending PAX East. It was fun, though not as much as PAX Prime in Seattle. Too many people. Super shitty cold weather. Not enough free swag. Not a great time to go on vacation, as my car needs a new catalytic converter, which is pricey, and will sound like boiled dogshit until I replace it. I may not do that, since I have two converters, and both are decidedly uncheap.

I’m 30 now. It doesn’t feel right, or real, but it has occurred. I was able to skip all the self-inflicted misery that comes with agonizing over what might have been, so that’s good. Like grains of sand, so many people and opportunities have eluded my grasp. There’s no point in facing back at it and missing the ones that are left.

I’ve been doing better lately. I’m determined to get the results that I want and put in the work required. The last few months have been rough though. I’ve been lazy, unproductive, depressed. Always worried that my car would break down and I’d not be able to work. Bummed that I’d wasted the day by sleeping in and doing nothing, furthering the chain of inaction and erratic sleeping patterns. Frustrated at being more and more out of shape, but not doing anything about it.

The more time goes on, the more I think I have legitimate depression, maybe other stuff. There’s no need to find out. I’m stuck with whatever ailments I may or may not have regardless. I’m becoming better at dealing with it all.

This week has been good though. I got back from PAX Monday night and basically slept until Wednesday. Flying always makes me feel like garbage for a day or two. As luck would have it, my roommate got her parents tickets to see the Chili Peppers that day, but something came up and they couldn’t go. So I got to see them on my bday, which was obviously rad. Not making as much as I’d like doing Lyft this week, but otherwise I am sleeping decently, eating okay and getting a workout in at a normal time. Just gotta keep this up for…well, ever.