11:20am
This isn’t really an entry. Just a place to jot down notes. I’m hoping to memorize them enough to not miss anything when the time comes.
I’m setting up a time and place to meet with TF to discuss what’s been going on. I’m feeling bold and honest and I really want to hash sh*t out. We cannot keep spinning in circles! It’s really stupid. I mean, parts of it are a lot of fun, but two people should not spend their lives like this. I don’t know, maybe that’s just me? But why waste so much time? If we aren’t going to work out [which is going to break my heart but I’ll survive] then we should be out there looking for what’s really going to satisfy us. Right? It should come along eventually. I’d hope.
So yesterday evening I sent him another text. We were working on our last client and I wasn’t doing much. I needed answers. I did not want to start this up again without actually working things out. I said, “So, do I get to know why you disappeared? I mean, if you didn’t get that check would I have heard from you? Just curious.”
When our last client finally left a little after 7pm we rushed to pack up and get out of here. We had plans to go to dinner with our friends and we were running late. I was waiting for mom to get out of the restroom and I poked my phone to see if anything came in. There were a couple of new texts and I glanced at the list to see they were from TF but I was going to wait to read them. Except my eye caught sight of the preview that said “The thing is this…” and I had to know what that was going to say.
He ended up saying that he is very much attracted to me, in a sexual way, and he knows that’s not how I am, but he is. And that he was a jerk. Which, I’m not sure any of that makes him a jerk. He’s just different than I am. And honestly, he’s not that different. I mean, if he knew the thoughts I have about him! They aren’t that innocent! But I’ve made a very important commitment to a certain kind of lifestyle and I cannot compromise on it. Seriously there are a lot of moments, especially when he’s close to me, that I wish I could! I wish I could go back 20 years and take back what I said, or be raised by my mother without all her old school values, but that’s just not the case. I can’t go back and I can’t change things no matter how much I want to.
I wish there was someone I could talk to about this stuff. Like how do girls survive in the 21st century without giving in to every gorgeous man that walks through the door? Maybe there aren’t any more of us left out there? haha. There should be a support group or something! Catholics anonymous? ;) Like I have these values mostly because of my religion, but I’m not religious enough to use that to get me through this. I can’t just pray away all my thoughts. ha.
So anyway, right before dinner I responded saying that I never said I wasn’t attracted to him that way but I just want to know if that’s all this is. Is he just looking for some casual hookup? When I got home around 9 and he still hadn’t responded I sent another text saying that it was ok to be honest. I wasn’t going to think any less of him and it didn’t make him a jerk. That only happens when he disappears and ignores all my messages.
Almost immediately [this is how I know he ignores me, because he’s quick when he wants to be!] he said that he didn’t know if that was all it was. He asked, “how can you know???” and just that he knew he wanted to kiss me. I went on to say some stuff about gut instinct, and that it’s pretty easy to figure out [isn’t it? Am I crazy to think that you should know if you want someone as more than a warm body to lie next to!?], and that maybe if he stopped talking about it and we actually spend more time together then it would happen naturally. He said I was right but that sometimes he gets “overzealous” and wants things right now. I said that he could learn some patience and that I was available all that time but he never asked me out again and he said that I made it clear I didn’t want a physical relationship with him. I pointed out that I made it clear I wanted to get to know him better and that I wasn’t into some casual fling. Then I asked where that left us. If we’re just too different to get on the same page.
By this time it was almost 11 o’clock so I wasn’t surprised when he didn’t respond. I was up in the middle of the night again. My insomnia’s been on a rampage lately. So I woke up around 2am and stared at the ceiling a while. Around 4am I was in the middle of a short sleep cycle when I heard my phone buzz. I picked it up and saw the time and knew it was TF. He was saying sorry because he fell asleep and didn’t respond to the last message. Gee, I can’t remember the last time he actually apologized. I haven’t gotten one of those early morning texts in months! Since November maybe? So that was interesting. Although mostly it served to give me hope that I probably don’t need right now. Especially if it’s all going to fall apart by next week.
We all know he’s not going to wait for me. He won’t be able to. And honestly I’m not sure I have that much self-control either. I’d probably want to marry him by the end of the year and that doesn’t seem healthy, or smart, for either of us.
I’d considered responding right then and there but my better judgment won out. I replied after I got up later and asked if maybe we could talk in person either tonight or tomorrow. When I was getting ready to leave I threw my bag in the car and reached down to check the time on my phone so I could set my watch. The second I let go of the phone I heard it buzz and there was his text saying “ok”.
I’m going to try to shoot for tomorrow since I don’t know what time I’ll get out today and I’ll be tired. I’d like to have a clear head and make sure I say everything I need to say. This totally turned into an entry by the way. But I do need to jot down some notes. There are a few very specific things that I want to make completely clear. I realized yesterday [and in the last several months] that he still doesn’t know me very well. We keep starting things up again but never actually clear the air or make any real progress.
We’ve “confirmed” plans for tomorrow. He said he’d be available later in the day and I said as long as he doesn’t sleep through it again. hah. Then he sent me a text that said “…for being upset with me you’re really trying to make something of us…” and I just responded. Of course I made a sarcastic joke, and said it must be those eyes of his [it totally is those damn bright eyes!] and then said that I was just trying to figure stuff out so we stop spinning in circles.
I ended up working out a draft email message with my speech. Will things actually work out the way I plan? I have no idea! Probably not. They don’t usually. But I assume we’ll get in touch some time later in the day. If it’s warm enough I’ll probably be out in the sunshine enjoying a beer. I think I’ll probably ask to talk to him in the truck, so that things stay private. Then my plan is to quickly ramble through my speech so I don’t miss my opportunity, or lose my nerve.
It all needs to be said. And now! I need to get it over with.
I’m feeling crazy and I’m so not willing to put any more time and effort into something that’s not going anywhere. It’s like building a bridge to nowhere. What’s the point? It’s just exhausting, and it hurts, and you never get anywhere. That’s not what I want. I sure as heck do not want to walk away and let go of him, but you do what you gotta do right? If that’s what it comes down to, I don’t have any other options.
I can’t force the world to work out the way I want it to. What’s that saying - life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. Everything always happens when I least expect it. I can’t pretend that it’s not going to continue to go that way.
I’ll let you know. I just hope I don’t chicken out!!
rose.
4:30pm
Ok. It’s after 8pm now and I am totally losing my nerve! Like I want to text him to say that tomorrow’s off and we’ll figure things out some other time.
The reason I’m panicking is because what if he does want to do this? What if he catches me totally by surprise and decides that he does in fact want to try something and see how it goes?! What the hell do I do then!?!?!
I’m not sure I’m ready for something that serious. Because for me it would be pretty serious. And I don’t know. I think I like him. I’ve thought that for months. But what if I’m just caught up in this. Ahhhh! Why does my brain make every thing so damn complicated!?
Ack. I need distractions! Wait until this gets combined with my insomnia tonight!
Damned if I do and damned if I don’t, right?
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