house on fire in 2017

4:12pm

I don’t really have much to say today. It’s possible that I say that a lot, but I mean it this time. Unless I find something to ramble on about. Which is actually quite possible. We’ll see how it goes.

Can someone please remind me why I’ve chosen to ignore TF right now? Because let’s be honest here, I’m struggling. I don’t even know if I can make it the rest of the night without replying. There’s a part of me that wants him to say something else. I want him to wonder why I haven’t replied. To be curious about my silence.

Maybe that’s not fair of me? It’s probably not. But I don’t know how to convey my feelings to him any other way. I should probably work on my own communication skills. Note to self. It takes baby steps though.

I know the second I respond to that e-mail I’m basically saying that everything else is in the past and we’re moving on. That’s what we’ve always done. We don’t pick up where we left off; we start fresh.

I’m not sure I want to do that this time. Like the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I’m doing the right thing. Is this the right thing? The two of us. I don’t know. I can’t figure it out.

Ha. Guess who just called me at work!
That was interesting. He didn’t mention anything about the email. I knew he wouldn’t. I recognized the number and was in the middle of a transaction so I didn’t give it much thought. He started talking to me in Spanish when I answered. I was definitely playing it cool though. We exchanged how are yous and then I asked what was up. He said he was just calling because he’d received a letter and figured my mom had gotten one too. I said I hadn’t seen anything and asked where it was coming from. He started trying to explain it and then admitted that he hadn’t really read it. I guess he got it yesterday, but we didn’t get a copy so it must not be related to the previous case. I asked if he could send it to us or drop it by and he quickly said he’d drop it by. Not sure if that meant tonight, or when.

He asked me again how I’d been. I said I was good, and then quickly added “but busy”. I don’t want to completely push him away just yet. He was saying something about doing I don’t know what after work and I thought he said “pozole.” Which would have been crazy because his brother called yesterday to say he was going to finally bring us pozole tonight for dinner. [whether or not he’ll actually show up is a different story..] But I thought somehow TF had gotten wind of it. When I questioned what he said it turns out he was talking about taking shots of tequila after work. I said, “I wish” and he laughed and said it wasn’t that hard. I just had to take the shot. So I told him I didn’t have any tequila and he goes, “oh right. I haven’t taken you any yet.” I laughed and said it was on his to-do list and he said something about an “action item” and I chuckled and let it go.

I’m sure he could tell I was distracted and/or not really wanting to mess around so he said he’d talk to me later and we hung up.

I have a feeling that if he does show up he’ll probably walk in at the same time that I’m with the client I’m waiting on. Everyone always tends to show up at the exact same moment. Anyway, if that happens I’m not sure what I’ll do.

It’s now after 6 o’clock. I got busy with the client that I was waiting on. And of course my other client showed up too. TF’s brother just walked in a couple minutes ago with a box filled with a pot of pozole and all the fixings. Even freshly fried tostadas! He certainly proved me wrong. I didn’t think he’d show. I mean he was in here over a month ago saying he’d stop by. [update: food was delicious! even my picky mother loved it!] The only one that we’re waiting on now is TF and he’s not going to show up. So I guess I’ll have to sit around and wonder when he’ll stop by. Keeping the mystery alive all around I guess. I’d rather get it over with, but whatever.

The world’s always catching me off guard! Things always seem to change in an instant with this guy…

I don’t know what to do when I see him. Like do I still hug him? What happens if he tries to hold my hand? I’m sure I’ll be tempted to pull away or keep my distance all together. That way there’s no question.

I guess there’s a part of me that’s just over this whole thing, even though I don’t really want to be. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know where I want to go from here.

rose.
9:16pm