3:50pm
Why do y’all let me get all caught up in these things? I cannot stop my brain from rolling over everything that’s going on. Constantly.
I seriously need some kind of distraction. Like you’d think work would be taking up most of my brainspace but nope. It’s all TF, all the time. I keep waking up in the middle of the night and thinking about him. I just lie there and consider and contemplate. It’s crazy. I don’t necessarily want to be thinking about him all the time. I mean, I’d like to think about other things. Like life, the universe, everything.
I sent him an e-mail an hour or so ago. I probably shouldn’t have. I should have waited until after work and just sent a text asking how work was. But I can’t help myself! I want to talk to him all the time. I want to know how his day is going. I want to check in. At this moment I kinda wish I could take the e-mail back. Is there an unsend button? lol. Ugh. I’m so pitiful. sigh
Now I have to wait around to see if he’s going to send anything back and I’m going to a friend’s house after work for dinner, so I won’t be able to know until after I get home. Waiting just makes my head clutter with more garbage. I really need to stop trying so hard with this. I don’t know why I keep pushing this to go in a certain direction. Like I can some how force it to work exactly the way I want it.
The problem is that the more attention he shows me the more I want to connect with him and so I start trying to reach out all the time. It’s kinda what happened at the end of the year and I really, really don’t want to go back there. That was not a good place for me. I just don’t know how not to do that. I don’t know how not to want to be around him all the time.
Ok. I just walked off and gave myself a pep talk. I was starting to spiral a little there for a second, but I’m ok now. There’s seriously nothing I can do about it. I can’t actually take the e-mail back. It’s already out there in the world wide web. And honestly it’s exactly what I wanted to do in that moment. There’s no shame in that! So what if I reached out? So what if he’s slow to respond? So what if he never responds ever?
I mean, it is what it is. That’s exactly what I wanted to do and I did it and that’s the way my entire life should be. No regrets, no repercussions, no getting mad at myself for trying so hard.
Who cares! Right?
I’m so tired of blaming myself for doing things that I actually wanted to do.
Come on, Rose! Get it together!
I’m going now before I say anything else. I need food and probably a drink and I just need to get away from this computer and zone out.
rose.
5:50pm
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