Sunday February 5th, 2017
Can you believe it? 2 years since I started my first online Diary (My-Diary) and it’s been a never ending roller coaster. Been through Therapy and many different Medications, but I have realized that while I am able to “control” some symptoms, there is no cure. I am stuck with these demons for life. I have changed a lot since then, especially in the last half of 2016 which I can describe as “enlightening”. I have found that I needed to make certain changes that I should have done long ago but was too afraid to. I went back and read my last entry, it was a bad night when I wrote that. I have a lot to talk about again so here we go.
Since then, it has become clear that I needed to end my “friendship” with those two, I was only going to get rid of Dickhead but I did what I do best and I sat and pondered, and wondered, and came up with the conclusion that I needed to get rid of both of them, or the cycle would repeat. I blocked both from everything, Facebook, twitter, xbox, kicked M off my Netflix, (I was nice enough to let him use my Netflix without paying), I changed the passwords for everything just in case. It has helped, I am not sure though which medications is effecting my mental health this month, I have noticed I have had more depression issues but I don’t think it’s related to cutting off the cancers that plagued me for so long. I spent a while after that trying to forget about them so I looked online how to find closure after ending a friendship and I came across something that really helped me. The first tip I found was to write a good-bye letter for each of them, not for them to read, but for me to vent everything that was buried deep inside about how I feel and all that I was too afraid to say. I thought for a while, I was never the best at writing in school but I gave it a shot anyway. When I started I was doubtful, but when I started writing, the dam just broke and all my emotions, thoughts, feelings (etc.) came pouring out and by the time I was finished I had written 5 paragraphs, I decided to write it like an essay and the final paragraph was an “In conclusion”. I did this for both of them and I found that it helped me extremely, it took all that weight from all those years of abuse and lifted it from my shoulders. They have been tormenting me since 6th grade, but not anymore.
I realized something else too, when I begged god for a real friend like my Australian one, I started playing with him again, even altering my sleep schedule so I could play with him as long as I could which means going to bed around 6-7AM. I use to have this type of schedule before and I found it was the easiest on me and I re-adapted to it very fast. I realized that he was a “real friend” even though he lives on another continent. He is the best friend I have always wanted and I finally realized that. He is the best friend I could have only dreamed about having, he was the friend that walked in the dark to find me and led me to the light when I needed that guidance and love the most. These changes I have made have helped me start the healing process that unlike before can be completed without being torn open. I am much happier now with my REAL friends. I have cut out the cancer that has plagued me for so long. I want to thank God for giving me the strength I needed and for helping me hold on in my darkest hours, because there were so many times where I just wanted to die and end the pain but I held on and it was worth it. I didn’t give up, I am a survivor, I have been through more battles then the most battle-hardened veteran in any army around the world. Everyday I wake up and combat my demons until I go to bed and I will do it again when I wake up. To all those demons in my head, I will STAND, and I WILL FIGHT. Every time you knock me down, every time you beat me up, no matter how much pain I am in, no matter how broken I am, I WILL stand back up and I will say “Is that all you got? COME ON, DO YOUR WORST!”
I did have a pretty stressing event where I got locked out of my email for a day and I tried everything to get back in only to fail. I get stressed out easily and when I do, I can’t handle it very well. Because my emotions are amplified, my stress levels reach a point where I cannot take anymore and I break down. Also right after I broke something that meant a great deal to me and I just lost it, I sat in the coroner of my room for a good while and just cried and cried and cried and let it all out. I was helpless, I can’t do anything when I get like that. I take stress the same way a child does because inside I am still a child, and no matter what I will keep that child in me alive. Another thing that I was thinking about was the idea of “Innocence” and I mean as a trait for people and it’s one of the reasons I have been so depressed is because I feel that at some point I lost my innocence, the innocence a child has is what I am getting at. I just assumed that once you reach a certain age, you lose your innocence and cannot get it back. I did some searching and found this, “An innocent person is someone who has not killed the child inside him/her. The one who cares, the one who believes in the unseen, and the one who loves unconditionally and selfless.” I raised this question a forum and I asked if Adults can still retain their innocence and I told my feelings on the matter and how I act towards others, and what I feel. Someone said this to me, “I think your (inner) Child has not left you, and if you choose to, can be a part of your life anytime if you want to make that happen.” I have tried to preserve my inner child and my innocence as best as I could, I have made so many changed in my life to do so, I love unconditionally, I am overly nice to strangers, I am very polite, I have become very spiritual and open minded, I have an open heart, I forgive, etc. I also asked my mother if I still am innocent and she said yes, very much so. I forgot some of the things she said (my short term memory is really bad atm) but I found the answers I was looking for. I am innocent :) and that’s who I want to be, I want to be a child, the person I was before my mental illnesses because those memories from childhood are the only ones I have of who I was before my mental illnesses. Thanks to everyone who has been there for me from the beginning and who have read all my entries, who was there through my darkest hours and my best moments, even though not physically but I know you cheered me on from the sidelines, I know some have said prayers and sent good fortune, and those who guided me out of the darkness when I was in the middle, afraid, alone, and had no direction. I have hope for the future, I have made great choices recently and I have changed for the better. I hope I can heal, at least a little.
I go by many names online so for my signature I will write the main ones you might know me as.
Sincerely,
~ Theolor/My Darkness Lives/SeptimiusMaximinus
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