7:35pm
So, today was kinda slow at work. We ended up redecorating one of our walls because the postings had faded and they needed to be remade. That took up some time, but not that much. It was mostly just printing, cutting, and posting.
I used my free time to multi-task, although looking back on it now I’m not sure I got very much done. I did read a lot of entries though! Some catching up and a lot of my own stuff.
It’s crazy though! I read a lot of the stuff I wrote at the beginning of last year [and a lot of flashbacks to 2014 but I’ll save that for later] and I feel like a completely different person. Like I remember writing those words but it doesn’t feel like last year. It feels like a decade ago! I’m not sure what I think about this. Is this a good thing, or a bad one? In this moment I really can’t decide.
I mean, if this means I grew up a lot and I’m a better person, then fine. But if it’s something else then that’s not good. And I can’t quite figure out where I’m at or how I feel.
The biggest shocker was that this time last year I literally had no idea that TF had any interest in me whatsoever! None at all! A year ago. ONE Year Ago
He didn’t say anything about “flirting” with me until sometime in March. Before that I’d seen him a couple times but I had no idea. Not even a little tiny hint that he saw me as anything other than the girl who sat at the front desk. I’m usually really good at reading people and noticing things, but there weren’t any signs from him. At all.
He came out of nowhere. To the point where I was still thinking it was a joke a couple weeks later. Never in my wildest dreams would I have guessed, even after it started, that by the end of the year I’d be so wrapped up in it that I’d break down at the thought of losing it all. In the span of 10 months we went from super casual encounters at the office, to jokes, to flirting, to texting, to holding hands at the end of a date, to disagreeing, to silent treatments, to nothing. Ten mother freaken months! That’s so insane to me.
It feels like it didn’t actually happen. Like it was all a dream. It doesn’t make sense how you can start and end something so quickly. I just can’t wrap my mind around it.
Now I know I keep trying to say things about how I wish I could go back in time to those moments at the beginning. Boy was that so flattering and fun! To discover someone’s interested in you. To have them throw out all these cute hints all the time. I loved that! Of course. Who wouldn’t?
But I have to admit that I don’t actually want to go back there. Not if it would mean losing everything I gained in the process. The reality is that I am a totally different person now than I was then. I’m so confident in my own skin! I feel like such a grown up. A grown woman! And I attribute a lot of that to him. The way he treated me. The way he looked at me.
I don’t know why things seemed to fall apart the closer we got. Like we were having more fun just playfully joking in the office. Maybe we were both trying too hard. Trying to force something that wasn’t ready to exist.
A part of me wishes I could say these things to him, but I don’t know how. Does he realize how quickly this all went down? Like quickest non-relationship to ever exist!
Maybe someday we’ll get the opportunity to go over everything. To say whatever it is we feel and be upfront about it all. There’s just this crazy thing between us. I’m hesitant to call it “passion” but I don’t know. We “argue” and get all riled up, but we’re laughing the whole time. Like fighting in a really playful sorta way. It happened a lot that day we went out. We were both trying to win. But never in a competitive mean-spirited way. It always felt fun. And maybe that’s what got in our way. That and the text thing. We need to be in person so that our jokes come off as actual jokes. So that we don’t keep misinterpreting everything. So that we can fight it out and move on.
I don’t know if any of it will ever make any sense but it all happens for a reason. I know this. I believe in this. 100%. I’ll have to wait to see what hindsight brings.
rose.
9:45pm
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