2:21pm
I guess my mind has been pretty consumed by work lately. I don’t even get on the computer at home unless I see a fb message in my email or something. Mostly I just get home and let my mind unwind and try not to think about much of anything.
I haven’t been eating much after work either. I think it’s because I tend to have a late lunch, usually around 2 or 3, then I’m not hungry when I get home. Some days I’ll eat a full-ish meal depending on what lunch was, but probably 80% of the time over the last two weeks I’ve just had a snack. One night I had a corn on the cob for dinner. hah. I’m sure it’s fine since I don’t feel hungry or anything. And I’m not starving myself on purpose. It’s better to just eat when you’re hungry anyway. Instead of shoveling food in just out of habit, or whatever. Not that I wouldn’t mind losing weight in the process.
The “workout” habit has been picked back up again. I’m basically doing the same thing as last year. Lifting light weights. Exercising my legs. I definitely notice a difference in my knee/leg mobility when I do it consistently. Also the stretching tends to help with the hip issues, especially since I’m sitting in these chairs all day. As much as I try to get up and move, it’s not enough to keep it from aching. I’m such an old lady! ha. The problem is keeping up the habit after I stop working. It’s hard when you don’t have a set routine during the off season. We’ll see how I do this year. I know it helps. I just need to find a way to stick with it, even if it’s different days and/or different times. It doesn’t have to be on a set schedule as long as I’m getting it done.
There was also a noticeable difference in my arm strength this year. Like I could lift heavy things! You can’t really tell in my arms, but I can feel it when I lift. Even my brother was impressed when I helped him move and had to unload boxes on my own since he was still recovering from surgery. He didn’t think I could lift some of them, but I proved him wrong! :)
That’s always a good feeling! Being stronger. I’d like that feeling to continue and if you could actually tell in my arms that would be even better! [ oops I let my vanity slip for a second there… :]
sidenote: I am starting to notice small changes when I look in the mirror. So yay on that! This is going to be my year, I tell ya!
I think I took another step in the right direction last night - I deleted TF’s contact from my cell phone. Now, this doesn’t mean much since I have the number memorized but I’m hoping that it’ll bring me pause and a moment to think about whether or not I want to make the next move.
I got busy at work with stupid computer issues. We had to send one lady home and the other is probably going to have to come back to sign paperwork. I hate having computer issues because it’s not even our fault. Someone screwed up the software somewhere. It sucked even more because we’d already processed other papers right before and they worked just fine. =|
In good news though, our friend brought us lunch/dinner and so since we ended up with free time we were able to eat before we left the office. It was good. I didn’t realize how hungry I was, but I guess that happens when you’re eating lunch at 4pm. Thank God for friends who feed us!! We wrapped up eating, I did some last minute stuff for JR, and we closed a little early to be able to make it to church. Funny enough we saw JR driving by as we walked into church. I thought it was his truck but I was waiting for it to get closer when I saw his hand shoot up and wave. I think he might have honked too. hah.
So yeah, it’s after 7 now and I’m back home sitting on the couch with a drink and my headphones playing some James Arthur. I just discovered him a couple weeks ago on a whim and I’m really digging it. Not my usual style of music, but I really like it. He’s got some good stuff! It’s been this week’s obsession.
Anyway, back to the TF contact thing. I do think this is the right thing for now. I really need the space to move away from this. I need the opportunity to let go. It would be fine the way it is but he keeps showing up after like a week. He doesn’t give me enough time to move on. I mean, I still don’t understand what he’s doing here. Is he interested? Is he just playing some weird game? I don’t get it!
I know I’ve said this a dozen times, but I’m not the one that started this! I was sitting around blissfully unaware that he was even interested. Just like all these other guys I see once a year. I’m still not sure what convinced him to start flirting and throwing out hints, but it’s not the same now. I so wish we could go back to that! It was so fun, and free, and easy!
I am glad that things happened the way they did though. Here at the end. Because I needed that. Desperately! I have no idea what even happened to me! I went from being all whatever about it, just enjoying the flattery to being like clingy and obsessive. It was bad. And I hated feeling that way. That’s not how I want to be at all!
So I know I needed to go through this and come out the other end. I needed to realize all of these things to make sure I don’t do it again. I can’t really guarantee it but I have plenty of crazy words to look back on. It was kinda terrible actually. Like I don’t even know how I became that person. From a lack of attention in my every day life, I guess? Or the fact that it had been so long since anyone had shown any interest. Or just finally feeling a mutual connection to someone for the first time in my life.
Whatever it was I got super wrapped up in it without even realizing what was happening. Thank God I found a way to the other side! It was hard, and it hurt, but I’m so much better off over here.
Now I just have to figure out where to go from here. I still feel an intense connection, but I haven’t seen him in over a month. There’s just a feeling I have that I’m not sure I should be paying that much attention to. Like what do you really trust? Is this my gut? Is this the universe? What do I believe?
I know that there are days where I just want to see him and yell at him that I know we both want each other and we should just figure this out already! But there are other days, like yesterday, where I remember how hurt I am.
I can’t really blame him for this though. I never said anything and maybe he doesn’t even think he did anything wrong. He’s said a lot of random things like: “you’re not sorry no matter how I feel” or “someone doesn’t show any interest”, but he won’t ever elaborate. I can’t force the words out of him and he doesn’t seem willing to share and connect. So there isn’t much I can do. I’m stuck.
Which brings me back to needing to let go for a while. I need some space. I need to remember my own life and how I want to live it. I need to not keep getting dragged back in or strung along. Make up your mind or let me go!
I’ve been really hesitant about saying certain things because I know I’m going to have to see him again. Once the season is over I know I’ll have more time to move past this. Even if I do have to see him again it’ll still be months in between. It’ll be a lot easier to get where I want to go. Right now I acknowledge, accept, and start to get used to the idea just as he decides to pop right back in. It’s not fair. Not if this isn’t ever going to move through these moments and onto something more.
I don’t know. I think I’m just ranting at this point. I’ve already had a couple drinks and my mind is wandering. Kinda like I did last night when I deleted the number. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want it and then I don’t. I want it the way it was before. I want it the way I’ve always wanted it.
It was never supposed to be like this.
rose.
10:03pm
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