12:29pm
Well, luck has definitely been on our side so far. In that first week of work we had three separate people bring/invite us to dinner! It’s so early in the season that we weren’t expecting it at all. We don’t usually get free food until like late January when we’re swamped and complaining about not having time to eat. hah. Pretty cool though. I’m grateful to have such wonderful friends/clients!
I’m in the middle of working up a bunch of paperwork for a couple clients, but I’ve decided to take a mandatory rest break. :) Actually I just took a pretty good break because one of our clients came in to ask questions and he sat around with us for like half an hour catching us up on everything. Spilling his guts out.
Turns out he’s the future brother-in-law to TF. I mentioned several months ago that we’d run into them at a restaurant at the same time that I was talking to TF. Well, everything’s officially been confirmed now, at least on this end. We’re totally small town living out here!
I’m still waiting to see if she’s going to come back in here this year and what she’ll say. It’s crazy how everything’s connected to TF all of a sudden. Like before I’d barely hear the name and now everyone has some kind of connection to the family. I guess it doesn’t hurt that there’s like eight of them, but still. Why is it all around me?
I said all of those things the other day about looking at the bright side and trying to stay positive and then of course I went home and had a major breakdown that night. =| It’s hard not to go back over every little thing. I remember the words and my chest starts to ache. Just like a feeling of being lied to, or played, or I don’t know. It’s pretty easy to spiral down once you get started.
The next day I came into work and for some reason decided to read back on all the old entries. I read pretty much every thing from the moment he took my number until present. And I have to say how grateful I am to have written out all those words. I think it’s part of what keeps me coming back here all the time even if I just ramble on about things that don’t seem relevant. The perspective I got from reading back on it though! It’s nuts!
I suddenly realized that things never were that good between us. In terms of the text communication and being on the same page with how we viewed the situation. He was bold and forward from the very beginning. I don’t know what made me think that had started later on. I guess maybe I was associating the beginning with everything that had happened in the office. The flirting and the flattering remarks. He was never very forward in person. It was easy to just blow all that off and keep trying after I was caught off guard. I mean it’s crazy to see the way I’d just forget about everything and start fresh. Like he’d never said the words and I’d never felt weird/awkward. I wanted it to work so bad that I blocked it from my memory and just moved on.
A huge part of that whole thing was me too. The way that I am. The way that I see the world and interpret other people’s intentions. I was experiencing so many new emotions and firsts that I got kinda lost in it. It feels so weird to say that I’m only now experiencing these things for the first time, but that’s just the way it goes. It’s not really my fault that it’s taken this long to feel that kind of connection to someone. Which I guess is also a major reason why I can’t let go. Or why I tried to hold on so tightly.
Also there was that whole confession thing I needed to make and I refused [although mostly subconsciously] to let myself truly connect with him. Looking back on it I see so many moments where I would have normally said something in a teasing/flirty manner but I didn’t. I was worried about getting too close and I know that’s because I saw this as a serious thing instead of some flirty little connection. I wanted it to go further than that. But I just knew that he was going to walk away once he found out and I didn’t want to get hurt. I didn’t want to allow myself to feel everything just to end up in pain. In the end though, I was hurt anyway so lotta good that did me.
I can’t really say I’d go back and do things differently. There was never a reason to believe that he wasn’t going to walk away. The only way things would have been different is if I didn’t have to say those things in the first place, but that’s never going to happen. So instead of just being friends and having fun flirting and getting to know each other, he was too bold and I was too reserved. We never found a way to meet in the middle.
I always feel sorta weird bringing up the God thing in here. I know a lot of people don’t believe anymore, but it is a part of my life. After I did all that reading on Saturday we ended up going to church which has been very cathartic for me lately. I’m not even sure I pay that much attention while I’m there but it’s a nice place to reflect and contemplate your situation. And you pick up on certain things. Certain words stand out to you. Like forgiveness.
These moments of anger keep coming back up when I think about everything TF said. The words just feel so fake now and it hurts to look back on them that way. I realized though that he didn’t actually do anything wrong. I mean, he was just being himself. The same way I was being myself. It just so happened that we weren’t riding the same wave so we clashed.
In reality, things were very good with him in person. I enjoy spending time with him. I had so much fun that day together. I wouldn’t hesitate to do it over and over again. But I can’t keep getting angry at him for the words that he said. It’s not fair. And it’s causing me unnecessary pain. I mean, what’s done is done. The words were said and there’s no way to take them back. Whatever his intentions were, they’re already out there. I need to move on and stop blaming him for saying things that I believed to be untrue. Who am I to judge him? Who am I to tell him what he should or shouldn’t say to someone? It’s not his fault he doesn’t see the world the same way that I do.
I’d hate for him to be over there blaming me for saying the things I said. Or for being the person that I am. I have to look at it that way. Treat others how you’d want to be treated and all that.
Part of it, I think, is that when I try to see everything through my rose-colored glasses it starts to feel like I’m denying there were ever any negative aspects. That’s not true though! I’m simply choosing to accept them and move on. To not dwell or focus on the moments that bring any kind of negative emotions. Why torture myself that way? Why cause myself to suffer for something that in the long run isn’t going to mean very much? That doesn’t make sense.
Instead I’d like to feel happy about what I have/had. Because I’m lucky to have been able to feel that kind of connection! Really, I am! Imagine if I’d gone the rest of my life without knowing what it’s like to look someone in the eyes like that? Of course this comes with its own set of issues because now I miss having it. Before, I couldn’t miss what I didn’t know existed. But I think that’s ok. Some days it hurts, but for the most part I remember it and smile. It was kinda great! Even if it was only for that brief moment.
I’m just glad that I was able to look back on everything and see what was really happening. If I’d never read all those words I wouldn’t have realized all these things. I wouldn’t have been able to look back on it with this kind of insight. I had it all twisted up in my mind and now it’s so much clearer. It makes so much more sense the moments where things shifted. The fact that I’d thought that he’d just pulled away suddenly. The truth is that yes, he did change the way he interacted with me, but he was never that close to me. It wasn’t that big of a change at the end.
Am I still holding out some kind of hope? Yes. Of course. It was new and different and I don’t really know how these things work. Maybe, in the long run, it won’t be worth holding on to, but it feels ok for now. At least until I see him again. Then we’ll see how it goes.
I should get back to my work now. I’d meant to type this up yesterday but I didn’t spend much time on the computer. Only popped on for a minute last night before bed because I remembered I had fb messages to reply to. Also, I saw something that I’m still in denial about so I won’t really mention. Up until that point, yesterday was a pretty decent day. We got all the Christmas lights taken down and packed away before the rain came. Got to watch some movies and relax. And ate some delicious food. That’s a good enough day off for me.
Ok. Leaving now before I remember other things I wanted to say. =)
rose.
3:11pm
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