12:47pm
So, thought processing really makes for good entry count. I guess. Now that I realized how helpful it is to read back on entries to work my way through things, I’m all for writing every little thing. hah. Not that I wasn’t before, but it’s new motivation. Plus you know boy things always have my mind reeling.
Guess who I got a text from last night? Why do you think it is that I write certain things [see: last two entries] and then it pops right back up in my life?
I really, honestly, did not think that I would hear from him again. He’s freaken random about it too. Like he looks at his phone and suddenly decides a significant amount of time has passed to where things are no longer weird and sends some random text.
Last night it was: “I hope your mom’s not working too hard.” =|
I was on my way to the bathroom when I stopped in my room to check my phone. I was expecting a text from my brother so when I poked at it and saw a new message I wasn’t that surprised. Until I clicked, it loaded up, and the first thing I saw was TF’s name at the top. I read the message, looked at the name, read the message again, and stared at the name some more. No way! I must be seeing things. My phone must have glitched and put the wrong name at the top. It was too much of a coincidence.
The world sure does love to throw things back in my face, huh? Because I say certain things and then it’s like, “here! put them into practice now big talker!”
The message had been sitting there for like 40 minutes already so I just ignored it. And of course started contemplating all the responses I could use. What else is an introverted mind going to do? There were things that I said I wanted to do/say if I did ever get another text, but they were all pretty petty passive-aggressive type replies. I want him to know that I was hurt by his actions, or inactions, but I don’t know how to convey that via text.
[sidenote: phone’s are so stupid. Really I’ve never been that big of a fan. I’m not a big phone talker either but at this point, just call me and get the conversation over with! Texts take forever, don’t have room for enough words, and are so easily misinterpreted.]
Since we’re all pretty honest on here I’ll go ahead and say that one of my initial reactions was anger/annoyance. You can’t even say that you hope I’m not working too hard?? But I quickly brought myself back down to earth and knew that in reality it’s just his way of teasing me.
Also, I’d clearly just said in that entry earlier yesterday that I wanted to stop being angry and blaming him for the words he chooses to say. I wanted to focus on the stuff that made me feel good instead of all the negative. So how could I then go and continue to be mad at him?
It is what it is. That was the past. New years; new beginnings. Treat others how I’d want to be treated. You have to put good things out there in order to get them back. I’ve always believed that.
Now, I didn’t respond right away yesterday, but instead of dragging it out and making him sit and wonder all day today I reached out this morning. I thanked him and said she’s only working six days a week for now. Kinda casual. Still responding. There wasn’t much I could say with that text anyway.
Ok, I got distracted with actual work. The good thing about being open every day now is that JR stops by whenever he’s free instead of rushing in here when he’s tired. He’s a lot more fun to joke around with when he’s not exhausted. :)
Back to the situation at hand. So yeah, I didn’t want to go too funny with the thing. I’ve definitely got some walls up and I’m trying so very hard not to get wrapped up in it this time. [I feel like I always say that....heh] Like I don’t want to care so much if he doesn’t text me back, or get bothered when the response he gives isn’t quite what I was hoping to find. If I want to dictate both sides of the conversation I should just start talking to myself…wait a second…is that what I’m doing here? ;)
[sidenote2: I just saw his mom outside. And I think his sister-in-law. The family’s stalking me and they don’t even know it! haha. Mom pointed her out. I guess she saw her walk by the window and she knows her from a long time ago. I’d never seen her in person before. Interesting that they randomly show up wherever I’m at. Silly world]
But yeah, I’d responded to the text this morning while I was getting ready for breakfast. I went back to my room to put my shoes on and tried to tell myself not to check it so quickly. It happened to buzz from my work bag as I was about to walk back out. I guess the text had just come through. It said something about “dam! Crazy days ahead for you!”
That sat around until lunch time. Mom left the office to look for paperwork and grab food so I shot him a text back. I’m still trying to figure this whole thing out. How I want to come across. What I want to say. How cool I want to be.
So I just ended up saying, “Yup. Time to pay for all that fun I had!” Sometimes it’s hard to respond to the things he says. I want to continue the conversation so I’m always struggling to make it open enough to respond to. Like on that one I could have just agreed that it was true, or whatever, but I was trying to say something else to keep things going. Of course then I just got a ” ;) ” back from him so so much for that. Another example of why I think texting is lame.
I don’t know. I’m currently in the midst of constantly reminding myself not to go down the rabbit hole again. I need to see this for what it is. I can’t get upset over things that aren’t going to matter two weeks from now. I can’t expect him to be the exact person I want him to be. He’s not some fantasy daydream I’m conjuring up in my head. He’s an actual human being with his own thoughts and opinions. There’s no way to force him to be what I’m looking for. I wouldn’t want to try to change him either!
Speaking of dreams: I had this one a couple nights ago - I was at his house and we must have been drinking, or it got late because I was lying on his couch in the dark. I couldn’t sleep so I walked over to his room, asked if he was awake, and complained about it being too quiet out there. [Part of this is clearly from watching Message in a Bottle the other day!] Then I was lying next to him and we were talking about everything that was happening. Like having a real heart-to-heart session. At some point I must have felt like we were in a good place because I reached over, took his hand, and pulled his arm over mine. I remember I fell asleep after listening to him breathe for a while, which is totally something I do in real life. I like listening to people breathe in the quiet. It’s like white noise.
The next morning I felt him move ever so quietly out of bed and I pretended to be asleep. I eventually rolled out of bed, went to the bathroom, and walked into the kitchen. There was something about good morning and the ungodly hour and he pulled me into a hug because I was shivering. Then there was coffee being made and jokes about that being the true test on whether I’d be back. There were also jokes about who was going to make breakfast and the fact that my mom still cooks for me. I said I’d clean if he cooked and I think we had scrambled eggs and toast? There was also something about doing his laundry and I laughed and said he’d have to marry me to get me to do that and he said that we should head over to the courthouse. I laughed and said no way. And I remember saying he couldn’t handle marrying me. That I was too good for him. haha. Even my dream-self is witty. I don’t know what happened after that.
I woke up in one of those bittersweet kinda moods. Because that’s totally something that could happen between us. None of it is that unrealistic. But it’s not happening. And I can’t force it either.
I guess we’ll see what happens this time around. I am in a different [read: better!] place than I was even a couple days ago. It’s easier to see it for what it really is now and I just need to keep that in mind. Whatever happens, happens. I said that at the beginning but I got lost somewhere along the way. I’m going to make sure not to get lost this time! [Remind me I said this!!]
rose.
5:33pm
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