my heart starts hurting in 2017

8:14pm

Wow. My first 2017 post. I’d say it’s the first time I’d written it but I post-dated a rent check the other day and had to focus hard to make sure I didn’t put the wrong year. hah. Still first entry though!

It probably won’t be that interesting. A few thoughts. A couple updates. I was going to save them for tomorrow when I’m at work all day, but it’s best to get them out and move on.

Moving on. That should be my 2017 theme!

I thought about making resolutions, but I feel like whenever I put these things into words I tend to purposely not do them. Not sure why? I guess I don’t like being told what to do, even if it’s me that’s doing the telling. =P

There is something to the self-fulfilling prophecy though. I was thinking about this the other day and how much it relates to my situation with TF. I don’t remember all the thoughts that floated through my head that day, and I’m too tired to come up with them again, but it definitely seems to fit. I had a certain idea about what we were, and where we were going to go, and it basically came true.

Not that I had these thoughts on purpose! I think it’s part of my self-sabotage. I finally had a good thing going and I freaked out and pushed him away.

That’s kinda the thing though, isn’t it? That I keep “pushing” him away and yet he doesn’t really leave. He’s very clearly not interested in the same way that he was at the beginning, so why not walk away? Why does he keep coming back? Why does he say things about how we’re still friends, or whatever, but doesn’t act like it at all? Maybe he doesn’t know how to be friends with a girl? Maybe he just doesn’t know how to be friends with me?

I mean, it’s not that hard. If I’m sitting in front of you, reaching out, practically begging for your attention, it’s probably time to show me some. When I’m telling you that I miss talking to you all the time. When I tell you that I can’t let go of this idea and I’m still open to being friends. You’d think you’d want to try a little harder.

It doesn’t make sense to me. That could be life and humans in general though. Like there’s not a single thing in my head that can help me comprehend how a person acts super interested [talking all the time, always reaching out, being affectionate, etc and so forth..] for months and then just stops out of nowhere. Stops responding. Starts picking and choosing what he does reply to. All that. Is there anyone that can help me understand this?

Is it some kind of game? Was it a challenge he was trying to win? Was he really just trying to get into my pants?
I’m such an observant person, so aware of myself and others, with great watching and listening skills that I don’t know how I could have missed all that. How could I have completely misread him?

I guess that’s part of what keeps me holding on. Because I don’t necessarily think I misread him at all. Not by that much! He’d have to be like the most amazingly charming liar I’ve ever met. I find that to be damn near impossible.

sidenote: someone just called our house phone. We almost never answer it but it’s kinda late so I got up and saw the number was a local motel 6. I looked over at mom who said they sometimes mix up the numbers and to answer. So I pick up and the guy sounds flustered and asks me who I am. I laughed and said, “who’s calling?” He laughed because duh! You called me. He said his name was Tony “and uh I think I got a missed call from this number.” “Haha. No. It wasn’t from here” “You don’t know anyone named Tony?” “No I don’t.” “Oh. Well. I wish you did because that voice. It’s so nic....” “Ok. You have a good night” Click! I was so not going to sit there on the phone while some random dude tried to flirt with me. I mean, I probably should have. I am complaining about not having attention. HA!

That’s probably what got me hooked on TF in the first place. His flirty flattering ways. I was so into it! Who wouldn’t be? =]

In an update: I sent him a text a bit after midnight on New Years. I said that I knew he was probably sleeping but I wanted to say Happy New Year and I wished him all the best.

I messed with some settings on my phone and was about to get up from the couch to go to bed when the phone lit up in my hand. There was his response saying he wasn’t sleeping but the little guys were and honestly this was probably the best new year’s he’d ever had.
Clearly he was able to receive text messages and had just ignored my previous text. Which crushed me. Of course. =\

I picked up all my stuff and started getting ready for bed. I was in the bathroom when I pulled up my phone to reply and saw a new message. It was a picture of a little boy lying on a couch with a puppy curled up next to him. He looked too young to be his son, but the picture’s really dark. I responded that I didn’t expect him to be up that late. That that was a sweet picture and it almost made me think he had a sensitive side.

He responded that he loves his family so much it makes him crazy. I told him that I totally get that. That it’s great that he can experience that. And told him to enjoy it.

No response after that. I was so hurt on the inside at this point [and had been drinking since the early afternoon, although not nearly drunk] that I was crying all over the place. Tears streaming down my face. Just what the fuck!?

I sadly sobbed for a while after I went to lay down. It’s kinda pitiful and a little pathetic. But whatever. I’m all for feeling the emotions.

The next day was better. It’s good to get all of that out of your system. I always remember this part of Tuesdays with Morrie where he talks about how he gives himself a certain amount of time in the mornings to feel all the self-pity and cry it out. Then he remembers the good things and moves on with his day. That stuck with me. Obviously he was dying so he had a lot more to complain about than I do, but it always stuck with me. And I’ve always been that way too. If I feel something then I let myself feel it all the way. Every ounce of it. Usually at night before bed. Then I get up the next morning and it’s a brand new day to start over with.

So I got up and went about my day. We basically watched movies and ate leftovers. It was perfectly nice and relaxing. I wanted to fully enjoy a day like that before work gets crazy.

At some point in the later afternoon, after I still hadn’t heard any response, I reached out to TF with another text. I know it’s something I said I didn’t want to do but I figured I’d get it all out of my system before I tried to move on. I’d never be able to fully move on without trying one last time.

I told him that he still hadn’t wished me a happy new year in return and that we needed to work on his friend skills.
There were several replies I had worked up depending on his response [I am an introvert after all…] but I never got a chance to use any of them. I thought he’d at least say happy new years as a retort, but nope. Nothing.

Last night, right before I went to sleep, I typed out a text draft I’d been considering all day. I thought if he’d texted me today I’d tell him it was too late. That didn’t happen either though. So now the text sits in the drafts folder waiting to be used: I can’t keep doing this. I do have feelings, you know? And getting dragged in just to be pushed back out again isn’t fun… It hurts.

Now, will I actually send that? I have no idea. I’m trying to convince myself that at least some version of that should come out. Like maybe I’ll ignore whatever text comes in next [if any] and then if he reaches out again I say some form of the above.

It needs to be said. I am tired of being hurt by this. I don’t, and can’t, understand what he’s trying to do here. I know what I’m looking for and it’s not matching up anymore.

Letting go of him is going to be terribly difficult. I keep trying to remind myself of all the little annoying things, but that doesn’t really help. I try to think of all his flaws and my mind comes up with a way to refute them all.

I don’t know how to do this, but I know I have to. I have to start over on this one and stop chasing what I can’t catch.

You’d think I would have learned that last time we rode this train…

rose.
10:11pm

Last updated January 03, 2017