Stuff and things in Not All Who Wander Are Lost

I’m not even going to lie and say I’m going to try and write here more because I think after the how ever many years I’ve had this particular blog that is just an outright lie.

God I miss OD so much sometimes. Yes, it was a shit site most of the time but it was home.

Anyway.

It’s been two weeks since my father died. I think we’re all doing well, considering. He was very, very sick for a very, very long time, and at the end it was so rough. About a week before he died mom was visiting and she said, “I just want this to be over.” And then it was. He died in his sleep, next to my mom. It was peaceful. He’s not suffering anymore. We miss him, the person he was before Alzheimer’s destroyed him, body and mind.

The week of the funeral was awful. Anyone who has read me for a length of time knows I do not get along with my siblings. One is a racist, one is a snobby bitch, and the other is a pretentious asshole. My father’s funeral was apparently not an occasion to put all that aside and be decent fucking human beings for once. Thursday, the day of the funeral, was the worst. I was just done with my family, and had been crying the entire day. We went out to Olive Garden after the service and I felt like I was going to vomit. I had a headache, I was 110% done with everyone’s bullshit. My Anna had come for the funeral and thankfully she and Ed had just gone down the street for lunch, so she came and got me and took me home. I didn’t even say goodbye to anyone. Just fuck them all.

It’s been a little over a week since them and I’m okay. Actually I’ve been highly anxious lately, my anxiety is basically through the roof. I’m feeling distant from people I used to feel close to and the feeling of being replaced or overshadowed or, I don’t know, basically just . . . My feels of being not as good or not enough are being solidified. And I can reason with myself that it’s mostly in my head but it’s like . . . It’s IN MY HEAD. It’s a hard thing to get away from. I hate being needy. Absolutely hate it. I hate that I want to ask all those questions that I just want to hear the best answers to. But nobody likes needy people. Which seems like a dumb thing to worry about right now.

So yeah. I’m okay. I’m great on facebook, because it’s easier to just be great on facebook. Inside I am and totally mess of emotions I can’t seem to keep in check. Work’s been hard, dealing with my family has been hard, it’s all just hard. But I keep at it, because it has to get better soon, right?

It has to get better soon.

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Last updated July 16, 2016