Up to speed in Flashback

I don’t know where I left off in my last blog from years and years ago. Roarke? Tyler? Bad things come in threes. Third times a charm? I’m the third boy I’m trying to have a relationship with.
Flashback a few years ago and I’m in my fabulous two bedroom apartment. I had friends. I hosted the pregame and hosted the after party. I thought I had grown up. I had it made. Flash forward a few years and I realized that I had made it all up. Friends were like credit. Money so life like that you thought it was your own. The way your image becomes as valuable. It’s only real when someone else says so. I wasn’t a friend. I was free booze and I was a place to hide. Not to everyone however. Foundation; the underlying basis of a structure. Not all of us can see what is keeping us grounded when we are looking for something else to pull us up a little higher… (actually someone told me once that I talk existentially a lot. My vocabulary does not always have the requisite words I need to express what I feel. I need more education.)

After my nervous breakdown in 2013 I had moved in with one of my sisters, Gayle. She had been struggling to keep her head above water after she left her fiance. I understood that she was in a relationship with someone else now when we all got a rent-to-own house together. Similar problems needed a similar solution right? I had a 16 year old cousin in my custody when we all signed that lease. 95 gallons of financial drama later my 5 gallon bucket was just enough to sustain myself. Gayles’ new boyfriend kicked my cousin out and his financial abuse swallowed me whole as it did my sister. The learned helplessness is something that I want to pretend was smaller than I was but I am not. However, I’m not in that situation anymore but to this day I feel like I owe them every loan they need from me. Somehow my inability to keep a roof over 4 peoples heads was completely my fault. Anyway, I spent the last two years with my other sister Joy and her husband Matt. He and I were never really close but I have never refused an invite to one of their Karaoke nights or bonfires. He also watched me try and save everybody I came in touch with. A close friend of mine lost his battle to alcoholism a few years ago. He was a big brother figure to me. I doubt I will ever have that again in my life. I was enabling him completely so I had to step out of his life while he was rehabilitating. He passed away before I could come back. It was hard. I have come a long way but I am still trying to cope. Nothing about life makes sense.
I had a crush at the time too named Tyler. Ty made the whole world feel like it was on my shoulders. “Crush” is what they call someone you start to have feelings for right? I took the long road to rejection pretty rough. He didn’t want a relationship. I had a nervous breakdown when I found out that he was already in a relationship that everyone knew about long before I did. We worked together after I hired him against my good judgement. I thought I was stronger than the situation. I scheduled us apart and lost a lot of hours leaving early. Depression was rough. By the time I left my lush apartment with my 16 year old cousin I was behind in every bill that wasn’t rent. I doubled it when I moved in with my sister and her abusive boyfriend. Could probably add my name a few more bills after all that.
It’s 2016 now and with the help I received from sister Joy and her husband Matt I am actually capable of standing on my own two feet. They had a daughter 15 months ago and I was able to step in and help them both get back to work full time. I reduced my own hours so I could be a stay at home nanny for my niece. I’m 30 years old and I hadn’t changed a diaper until a few months ago. MJ, my niece, has been the most life altering experience of my life. She was the first to come into our family since my baby brother. She changed everything. This whole experience was very special to me. She is brilliant. I was not a kid person before her but I had a lot of firsts. Watching this little human become bigger everyday has been so awe inspiring. I get that now. This babysitting is now over however. I been store to store and back again with work. I can get into all that in later entries but I just wanted to get the gist out of the way.
I have been making small change after small change to the point where people do not recognize me anymore. Physically, mentally and spiritually. My personal development has been slower than most but even a supernova will last longer than a lifetime. Life is a unique experience for everyone and I now that I am off my medication I finally feel compelled to write, paint and do anything really.
I am starting to experience passion again. We shall catch up on the sex, drugs and rock n’roll along the way.

Last updated October 25, 2016