How much longer do i need this body? in Random Thoughts
- Sept. 23, 2016, 4:27 p.m.
- |
- Public
Slowly ive cut out NPR and podcasts, instead listening to calm chanting and what youtube calls “meditation music.” All the talking was too much in my brain. So much information that i may enjoy listening to, but really doesn’t do much for me. Especially my poor memory…
So. I feel a stillness. Calmness. I carry it with me.
In the mornings, when i come back from the gym, i listen to this:
\
My lights dim, the rising sun’s presence barely felt, and quiet chanting. I sat on my couch this morning and wondered whether i can ever live with someone else again, whether i could have children (not that my nearing 40 year old body is likely to conceive). I live in this quietness. I love in it. My little rituals.
The changes ive made over the past year or so have helped my emotional state immensely. But. Not all the time. I’ve had a few things happen to me that show i need work. My over the top visceral and emotional response to what i perceive as failure or stress. When i had plumbing issues that i thought was going to be more money than i had, i couldn’t keep it together. I mean, i wasn’t falling apart, but my ability to interact with the general public (i.e. work) was severely limited.
And some interactions with my principal have left me feeling devastated. There is no reason for me to feel this way, i am not in trouble. But it’s my perception of being and having done wrong that lays me low. I feel like an utter failure and that she is just looking for a way to get rid of me.
Ugh.
Meditation has been beautiful lately. Not always, of course, there are tough days when turning off the internal dialogue is difficult and i can’t seem to relax all of the muscles around my eyes. But transcendence.
One time, though.
One time.
I had a thought rise up from my heart. I don’t know where it came from.
Something like this-
“How much longer do i need this body?”
I haven’t told anyone this, yet. Maybe i won’t.
HukiDoll ⋅ September 23, 2016
NPR - is that neuro programming?
I meditate a lot. Every day. Ive been through hell and back. There's all different types of meditation, but the ones with religious over tones do nothing for me... Buddhist and Hindu/yoga stuff. My husband is a martial artist... and his reccomendations for learning meditation is sit in a room in front a candle... and just sit there.
I try to let my thoughts go... to try to learn to not think...either focusing on my breath...or counting down or up... then back down again... and as your thoughts trail off... you can say that's an organising thought, that's a memory, that's whatever...but come back to focus on your breath...that's mindfulness stuff, which is nearly impossible when your thoughts and your internal dialogue take over... I like the visualisation stuff focusing on something other than myself...
but right now, I am kinda at the phase, now where I am focusing less on things I have no control over, one of those is horrendous credit card debt, and if I cant make the repayments, I cant, I don't have the money to do it, I cant do it... but I focus on other things which I can do... like my hobbies, my gardening, my painting whatever... I have been through hell in employment too, and sometimes the stress of not working has been easier than the absolute hell I have suffered in particular jobs... but its not fun. Its not what I want... but everything is what it is, and no matter you cant teach yourself to cope with shitty circumstance, or problem people.
WhatDreamsMayCome ⋅ September 26, 2016
That is the question.