Tuesday, july 19th 2016, at 9:31pm
I’ve come to understand something throughout this pained existence. There are times where I love the pain, I roll in the darkness laughing, challenging my demons by saying “Is that all you got?” Sometimes it’s not just emotional pain, but physical, I’ve noticed I like the taste of my own blood and I like to cut slow and long, sometimes twice over the same area and then I try to suck as much of the blood as possible, although my cuts are not deep. Then I go to the bathroom and fill a cup with extra hot water and slowly pour it over the cuts. The pain is just so intoxicating. Sometimes I feel like this, I feel happy in some weird sense that’s not normal and I feel completely free. I don’t get like this often but boy do I enjoy it when i do. I feel so free, I just want to laugh not only at the pain but just anything. this is the 2nd day I stopped taking my depression meds, I still take my anti-psychotic but wow it sure feels like that has no effect except for making me tired. 900mg and this wild beast inside me still crawled free, Maybe all my meds are just placebos, I think that sometimes.
Anyhoo I want to talk about some of the days before I quit my anti-depress, My friends and I have been playing more together and they take me out to eat sometimes, when I am feeling my weird out of place normal self, I feel kinda bad about it because I never have any money. We go swimming together sometimes and that makes me happy although last time they dragged my large ass to the lazy river and had to hold onto my tube because I couldn’t keep it balanced and I got pushed really hard at a corner and fell over hitting my ankle pretty bad but the pain wasn’t so bad. together the 3 of us ate out at a chinese place and a mexican place but each of them took me to other places before like subway and back to the Chinese place. I have become closer with my other friend “Manny” because he is going through a hard time like I had previously talked about and he understands some of the pain I go through.
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