For most of my teenage years I have thought of myself as asexual. It’s not something I go around telling people, but it seems like the only way to really describe the fact that I’m not really interested in sex the way everyone else my age seems to be.
I am very much a virgin. I’ve never even kissed anyone, unless you count the occasional kiss on the cheek from a friend. There’s a degree of humiliation that goes along with admitting that, but at the same time I don’t really have any desire to have sex. I’ve never seen a woman naked in person.
I’ve learned over time that I need to pretend I’m interested just to seem normal. I remember going to see a movie with a friend with I was only 12 or 13 and there was a scene with two girls kissing. I leaned over to my friend and said that I thought it was gross. Not sure why, I have no problem with lesbians, it was just my honest reaction at that age. I fully expected that my friend would be feeling the same way, but he instead whispered to me that he thought it was really hot.
I’ve watched a little bit of porn in my life, but I don’t really like it. I have trouble being aroused by it. I find sex between a man and a woman, as well as sex between two men, to be awkwardly violent. I understand that porn perhaps depicts it that way and it’s not actually like that, but it’s my initial reaction to it. Lesbian sex is often much more sensual, and I appreciate that, but it really doesn’t turn me.
When I take the physical act of sex out of the equation, and I just think about men and women and which I find more attractive, it’s hard to say. The most definitive statement I think I can make it so acknowledge that I know that I’m certainly open to the idea of being attracted to a man. I understand penises. Vaginas seem complex and confusing.
Maybe it’s safe to just say I’m not straight and leave it at that.
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