My mother’s birthday was last week and my sister wanted to take her out to a nice restaurant to celebrate. This posed a small problem for me. I’m very good at dressing casually, but when it comes to dressing for a fancy restaurant, I don’t quite know what to do. I complained about this to my sister. Her first suggestion was that I just wear men’s clothes, but I told her I wouldn’t do that. I feel uncomfortable in men’s clothes and really don’t want to wear them ever again.
Her second suggestion was that I just dress casually, but I told her it’d be awkward if I was in jeans and she and mom were dressed up. She agreed with that. I would have been happy to borrow some of her clothes, but I knew they’d be too small on me. So I told her I’d really appreciate it if she went shopping with me and helped me pick out something nice. I could tell immediately that she was uncomfortable with the idea, but I begged and she agreed.
We ended up having a long talk that night about my gender identity, and it was really helpful. I talk about it all the time with my therapist, but there was something nice about having the conversation with my sister.
We talked about bra inserts and hair removal and choosing a new name for myself. All things that I previously had been too embarrassed to bring up with anyone in the family.
I realized while I was talking to her that my mindset during the conversation was that I have openly decided that I identify as female. I hadn’t really made that decision. Or maybe I had and I didn’t realize it?
I spoke about this with my therapist on Thursday. She has been encouraging me to think about this. Not that I need to make a decision immediately, but that accepting myself as having a certain gender identity is an important step that I’ll have to make eventually.
I know all the signs point to me being a transgirl. I know when we sat down at the restaurant for my mom’s birthday and the server came to the table and said, “How are you ladies doing tonight?” I was very happy that I’d been identified as female. I think I’m just nervous to say it.
I’m nervous my mom will be offended that I want to go by a female name and not the one she gave me.
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