Once my secret was out, it seemed like it was completely out. About six months ago my mom sat me down and had the super awkward conversation with me that if I wanted to wear women’s clothes, she was OK with that. It was uncomfortable to speak to her about it, but at the same time it was at that moment that this all really became real.
I started by wearing some of the other items that were in the bag of clothes I had taken from my sister. Women’s clothes, but nothing too super obvious. I wanted to wear more, but I was embarrassed about what people would think. Then one weekend I was hanging out with my sister and she made a comment about me being part of the LGBT community.
Admittedly, I’ve never dated a woman or a man, but even now a few months shy of my 18th birthday, I’ve yet to really make a decision about my sexual identity and I’ve certainly not come out as gay. So I was a little shocked when she said that, and I immediately wanted to defend myself about not being gay.
Which is awkward, because I realize I might very well be gay. I definitely feel some attraction to men, and I don’t deny this.
She stopped me and said that she wasn’t talking about me being gay, she was talking about me being a cross dresser, which technically makes me part of the trans community. I realized I’d never thought about it that way. But instead of wanting to deny it, I actually immediately took comfort in the idea that I am trans. I liked it and accepted it and feel like at that moment, in a very anticlimactic way, came out of the closet as trans.
It was like a total mindset change, and after that I felt very comfortable dressing like a girl. In fact, I started to feel very uncomfortable whenever I would wear men’s clothes.
Three weeks ago, I told my mother that I thought I’d like to see a therapist that specializes in transgendered teenagers. I guess it’s fair to say that a lot of self-realization happened in my mind over the recent months. As soon as I told my mom my desires, she responded with the one question I was most hoping she wouldn’t ask. She said, “Do you want to be a girl?”
I looked at the floor and said, “This is why I want to talk to a therapist, to figure this stuff out.”
She said she understood, and she found me a therapist. After my second meeting with my new therapist, she suggested I start a place to write down my thoughts and feelings, and that’s why this writing exists here.
My first meeting involved a lot of talking about my background, a lot of the things I’ve already written here. My second meeting started out with a question from my therapist. She said, “How do you identify?”
I said, “I identify as trans.”
She said, “Yes, but do you identify as a man, a woman, or something in between?”
I wasn’t able to answer, but I’ve been thinking a lot about it.
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