I’m trying to get the feeling back. I don’t want to drag the past with me into this new space. I just want to move forward.
I cut and dyed my hair tonight. Painted my nails party glitter colors. I wanted to not feel dull tomorrow. What I ended up with is extremely loud fingertips, and a purplish-red scalp. I had to take a toothbrush to carve through the mess of color to make a place to part my hair for work tomorrow. I have resigned myself to the reality that I will never stop being a ridiculous spectacle. I must embrace this fact. It’s just part of my being.
What’s next? Sleeping on a towel to avoid spreading the crimson everywhere. Before that, pausing a moment to gaze at my slumbering daughter. Like every night for the past eight years. Marveling at how her magnificence shines, even while she dreams. Especially when she dreams. Wondering how many more nights I have to experience this feeling.
I am, at my core, always preparing myself for endings. It helps get me through daily worries by knowing I’m ready for the worst. This disabled me, though. I am working towards facing fears head on, letting go of shame, and accepting things as they come. A lot of work, but it will be worth it to rid myself of the chains of the past.
I am choosing these things. It’s difficult, but it will be worth it.
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