Echoes of My Father in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

So much has happened and I’ve wanted to write but my computer had to get shipped off to Texas for repairs.

I’ve been sick, done scene work, been asked to audition for a Tennessee Williams production, been on some dates, cried over some boys, said good-bye to my brother, watched my grandfather in the hospital, had many papers to write and remained locked up in my house away from my friends....

But if I had written entries about all of those things, what would they really be saying? I’m not getting anywhere or doing anything. I have paused my life so that I can assist my family with theirs. My father vanished and moved to Portland spontaneously. He has called me a few times and I try my best not to be irritated with him, but my aunt said a few things to me about him that really upset me. They didn’t upset me because they applied to him, they upset me because I feared that they applied to me.

My father has this inability to reach out and be close to his family. He cannot see when he is needed nor take the steps that would lead to intimate relationships. He relies on platitudes and philosophical tangents to substitute for actual emotional investment and conversations that aren’t soundbites from an episode of Dr. Phil.

Hearing what my aunt said made me wonder if I too was guilty of some of the behaviors of my father. I don’t get along with my family, I have spent just as much time traveling as my father has. This is something that has always been in the back of my mind, in fact, one of the reasons I’ve always excused my father’s choices is because I know that in instances in which I have made similar choices, the choice I made was not with the same understanding of the situation as others. Others see me leaving as abandoning my family, whereas I always saw it as needing to be somewhere where I was not being watched or scrutinized constantly.

It was in this contemplation of the validity of perspective that I realized that I am not my father. Although I have made similar choices, when the moment comes down to it, I do return and participate. I am here now. I have no abandoned my family and I am participating. I have already made a different choice than my father therefore I am not resigned to his fate.