So this survey seemed fun, but every question was depressing in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

What part of pop culture do you wish would just go away?

Well, “go away” is a bit strong, but I wish reality television were shelved as a concept for a little while. Back when it was first starting, it was like a kind of documentary that was meant to help us view others’ lives in a way that made us feel small, or make us feel like we are all One in this world. Now it’s just freaks… which was actually the point of my paper on “Pink Flamingos”. I wish we could go back to the beginning, to those first couple of seasons of MTV’s The Real World and preserve that sense of awe.

What is your favorite salty snack?

Well, I too eat French Fries all the time, but I don’t consider that a snack. But I eat pretty much anything salty. I’ve never been too big on sugar, but I’ve always eaten copious amounts of salty food, so there is no way that I could choose just one.

What song do you love to dance to?

I love dancing to anything that I can dance to, that being said, I’m very limited with my rhythmic capabilities so that means it must always be something 4-to-the-floor and almost NEVER hip-hop or rap.... the existence of hip-hop and rap would be my back-up answer to “what part of pop culture do you with would go away”

What was your most embarrassing hair style?

I don’t really feel embarrassed about any of my hair styles. I’ve always had incredible hair, even when I’m in an awkward phase due to growing it out (like now), I still find a way to not look awful. I suppose anything from my childhood when I had no control over it. I think that’s why I’m so frightening about my hair, it’s the only thing I really wished I could have control of, and now that I’m an adult, I’m almost psychotic about it.

If you could have a drink with someone from history who would it be?

There are several people I’d like to speak to. I think I’d quite enjoy having a drink with President John Adams or Indira Gandhi, maybe Salvador Dali or Charles de Gaulle. I don’t think I’d be able to choose just one, it’d have to be a dinner party like a scene from Midnight In Paris.

What is the furthest west you have traveled?

I feel like I’m in the far west and I’m trying to work my way east. California is a vortex.

What is the funniest thing you have heard a child say?

I have no answer for this as I hate all children.

What vegetable do you hate?

I love vegetables. I can find a way to prepare nearly any vegetable and find it enjoyable, except for sprouts. Ick.

Have you ever been mentioned in the newspaper?

Yes.

If could live in any other country for 2 years where would you go?

Pretty much any country in which French is a spoken language. I find it much easier to communicate my feelings in French… my ideas are better communicated in English, but there’s something so dispassionate about the way I describe things in English that I know that if I find the words in French, they sound like a warm breeze caressing your cheek.

That would’ve sounded so much better in French. Oh, and I would have to avoid any place that spoke Spanish (except for Spain) because Spanish disgusts me.

Do you believe in God?

Yes.

If you could see 24 hours into the future what would you do with this ability?

I’m not sure that would be very helpful. I mean, besides financial gain, I’ve never really seen the appeal of time travel, which I suppose is why that whole “Back to the Future” Day that happened recently seemed like a colossal waste of time. Which I found to be highly ironic.

What is the worst physical pain you have ever been in?

The memory of physical pain fades. I’ve had several circumstances where I’m told I was in great pain, sometimes even to the point that I lost consciousness because of the toll it took on my body. But scars heal, wounds close and we move on. Emotional pain? That is much, much worse and cuts much deeper than some silly little wound.

In what way are your parents out of date?

I’m more “out of date” than my parents are so I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it is agist.

What are you afraid of?

I suppose I’m afraid of the unknown. I say that because I don’t know what I’m afraid of.

Do you have faith in the next generation? Why?

Not at all. I didn’t even really have faith in my generation. I grew up as part of the disaffected youth of the nineties. We were hungover from the extravagance of the eighties, too suspicious to have to freedom and optimism of the seventies and sixties, and we see millennials as a bunch of egotistical idiots.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/852308

What makes you laugh?

People and situations. It’s very rare for something that was intended to make me laugh to actually make me laugh.

What exotic pet would you like to have?

I want a destunk skunk. Like how cute would that be?

What are your marketable skills?

I’m good at nothing. Seriously.

Who taught you to cook?

I taught myself because my family can’t cook for shit.

What color underwear are you wearing?

Black.

What single piece of technology makes your life easier?

I find this to be a loaded question because there is not one piece of technology that has simplified my life across the board. I would have to say my phone. But just the phone mode of my phone. The rest of it is just a waste of time.

What do you miss from your childhood?

I had more friends and companionship as a child than I do now.... which is surprising if you knew me as a child.

What do you do to impress someone you are attracted to?

I don’t really do anything to broadcast my feelings, which is probably why I’m still alone.

Last updated October 27, 2015