So I’m thinking of canceling my counselling appointment for tomorrow. I’ve only been once and it was a rough session full of emotion last week but this weekend has been good. Full of positives and smiles and laughs and the belief that I’m going to be ok.
Friday night after having received the message earlier in the day that he was going away next weekend I made a conscious decision to not mull around anymore waiting for him to come back or feel bad for me. I went home after work, showered and did my hair, applied makeup I hadn’t worn in months, and dressed up a bit. I was taking my youngest to the movie at his school and had plans for drinks with friends after the movie and after the boys left with their dad for the weekend. My oldest was curious of why I was “prettied up” to go to a kids movie and I explained that I had plans after the movie and wouldn’t have time afterwards to get ready. I gave him no other details other than the fact that I would have my phone with me if he or his brother needed me for anything.
Dropping the boys off I smiled a lot, I spoke highly of how much fun they were going to have with their dad and nana, and when he sympathetically urged me to have a good weekend (thinking I would be home sad and alone all weekend) I clearly confirmed it would be good…and may or may not have walked into the liquor store to pick up a bottle of wine. You know what? It WAS a good weekend! I sat and chatted and laughed into the early morning hours both Friday and Saturday night, I accomplished things that had been on my “To Do” list that I was always so busy for, I had a successful Scentsy party for one of my hosts, and when yesterday rolled around for the kids to come back they were HAPPY to see me. I had been afraid of how that would go, whether they would be sad to leave him or angry but it was a smooth transfer. He stayed and watched them bowl (they both bowl and I run the youth program), and we spoke really well together, in front of the kids and alone.
Last night going to bed the kids were bathing and the oldest asked where I had been on the weekend, said that after they got on the highway their dad asked him where I was planning to go. I smiled inside just a tiny bit because even though he’s moving on it’s nice to know he’s still curious. Best part of it all? I FELT great when I spent the extra time on me. Not for him or for anyone else but I felt pretty for the first time in months and my smile came from my heart and my eyes, not just my mouth.
I’m not naive enough to think we’re in the clear and it’ll be total smooth sailing but I believe that depression isn’t around rearing its ugly head right now and my friends and family have been the support I needed to know that my own two feet would carry me <3
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