Friday. My first full weekend away from the kids. They’re going tonight to stay at their Nana’s with their Daddy until Sunday afternoon. I’m not upset about it yet but they haven’t left either. At least their Nana will be there too and since she’s still rooting for us I know she won’t allow him to bring his new fling around. I don’t think he would anyways, at least not yet, but the extra reinforcement soothes me a bit. Initially when he asked for him this weekend I told him that I planned to take them to the movie at the school and he’d need to pick them up when that is done. It wasn’t true - at that time I had no intention of taking them to the movie but wanted him to have to wait longer for them. Now I’m looking forward to taking the youngest to the movie while the oldest goes to Youth Group. I’m going to try and convince myself it’s even ok to wear a tiny bit of makeup and maybe even spend a few minutes to flat iron my hair. I know it’s only been 10 days but 10 days of looking as miserable as I feel has to stop sooner or later. My brokenness is bringing everyone down, not just myself. Fake it til you make it, right?
I found myself singing along to the music on our way home from getting groceries last night with the boys. My oldest was in the front seat with me and the conversation of his dad came up and I wanted to be honest with him. Rather than just saying that Daddy couldn’t be happy at home or that we made better friends than husband and wife (neither of which were true for me because this was his call, not mine but was the story we gave them when we told them the separation was permanent, not just a time out) I said, “You know that I still love your daddy very much but when we become adults sometimes our hearts change. Your daddy still cares about me and still loves you both very much but he doesn’t love me the same anymore.” I started to say, “I hope someday…” (and was about to finish with “that my heart feels better and I love myself just as much as I love your daddy”) when he finished as a question, “that Daddy will come back home?”. I answered honestly that I DID hope he might change his mind but that if not…(and again was about to say that I think we’ll still be ok when he surprised me and said, “that’s his loss”). That one little statement, to hear him standing up for me as his mom gave me butterflies. I know he’s still angry about the situation and our troubles with the anger and grief probably haven’t even begun but to hear those words come out of his mouth almost gave me the belief that it WOULD be Steven’s loss. I can’t live my every move hinged on hope that he will fall on his face and not be happy with the new fling. Because you know what? Maybe he’ll be the happiest he’s ever been in his life. And where would I be if I thought that every contact we had was bringing us closer together when in fact every contact might be driving him closer to her? I want to be happy for and with my boys and I want to be happy for me. Some minutes and hours I’m crushed and can’t breathe and then there are some when I have a moment of clarity and think, “I hurt now but I will be ok”.
I went to counseling yesterday. I cried. A lot. I cried when filling out the form and not knowing who to list as my next of kin. That was him. I cried when I told her how much I hated my job. A job I loved until last Wednesday. One that now reminds me of how much time I spent away from my family, focused on making money instead of filling my family with my time and love. I cried when I admitted that I’m not OK now even though I lie and tell people I’m on my way there. I cried when she let me admit that I don’t want him to be happy with her. I want him to be happy because I love him and he’s a good human being (making a wrong choice) but I don’t want it to be with her. The thought of him being happy with her makes me want to vomit to tell the truth. I cried when I admitted that a week before this took place my dad was admitted to long term care for his dementia. I feel like the two men in my life have both left me at the same time and I’m more angry at dementia for taking my dad away than Steven’s heart for taking him away. I cried a lot. I told her I felt like I needed to cut Steven away. Be civil and welcome him in the kids’ life as often as he needed and wanted to be there but otherwise stop depending on him for my needs, let him go be happy. She disagreed. I feel like she’s holding on hope that keeping him around will also allow him to see what we have between us but she hasn’t seen those eyes. The ones that look at me with pity because I’m sad and hurting, not with love and regret. The end result is that I walked out of counselling feeling more confused about what I should do than before I went in. I will keep him around for the kids’ when they need him and otherwise will try and limit my contact with him for now and see how that goes.
I called his mom this morning. She is a good woman. She meddles and I’ve always felt like I had to compete with her as I was never doing things good enough but I’ve been far too hard on her all these years. I wanted to apologize to her. She’s hurt over this and thinks he should come back home and work on things. She knows though that it’s his heart and his decision that she can’t influence anymore than I can. It gives us that common ground now I guess. I’m sad she has to do this and cry for me and the boys at her age. I told her I would come visit her (and I will). She’ll always be my Mama Daisy no matter how things go with Steven and I and she deserves to have company when her heart is hurting too. I cried with her and then I told her that I have to do this for me. I can’t hold onto the hope in case he doesn’t come back. I think she’ll be my biggest supporter no matter the path I walk down.
The support from family and friends, even ones I didn’t know I had, has been heartwarming. There are inspirational quotes and texts and messages sent to me all day long, every day, some from people I’ve only talked to a handful of times. Even one this morning that said, “It’s Friday. Don’t be a sad sack” with a picture of a pretty sad looking set of balls. Just the chuckle I need to keep my brain busy. Tonight once the kids are gone for the weekend I will go visit my neighbor with a good bottle of wine. This will bring me down but one way or another it won’t keep me down. Cheers to a good morning with less sadness so far. <3
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