(2 PM
The doctor gave me 2 pieces of paper, one for september and the other for october and he told me to write an event for each day that made my mood change and how it made me feel and the impact on my mood. I tried explaining it to him that for the most part there is no trigger or event, it just happens but he gave me the papers anyway. Today I woke up at noon and I have been feeling depressed ever sense. I truly hate these feelings I wish there was some way I could just numb them. Well of course there are ways, ways that lead to my death or illegal ways. How I want to live yet have this part of me die, why must I feel? There is so much clutter on my bed right now, I alternate it at night and in the morning between my computer chair and my bed.)
(3 PM
Maybe the doctor was right and I need to get out there more with people but I don’t want to build up a relationship with someone, I want it to be pre-existing. I wish I had a little brother to always keep me company, someone who would never betray me and would always be by my side. It seems almost every day I hit rock bottom and I just lay there and some force just seems to rewind time to where I am above ground for a while before it all comes plummeting back down. I think honestly if I had a gun right now I would just end it all, maybe as a sick gesture - play Russian Roulette. I shouldn’t speak like this I know but I have to get it out, my true feelings. The truth is, I don’t want to die, I just want this pain to stop. I....I’m out of sleeping pills so we will have to see if I can fall asleep tonight with just my anti-psychotic and my Melatonin supplement.
I think from now on, every day I will open up a new page and just write whenever I think of something I believe should be put into my entry for the day, and at the end of the day just time it and save it for you all to read.)
(4 PM
I am not doing this by the hour on propose but it is mere coincidental. I am feeling a little bit better now, the heavy blanket of deep depression has lifted for now and I can breathe peacefully. Mother is going out to get chicken for supper which sounds good to me, I am very hungry. I feel a lot better now, I think I will end my entry here for today)
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