7:40 PM
Just a note, The time I leave is never accurate to me publishing this entry, In fact I write the time before I start writing and usually takes between 10-20 minutes to finish because of the amount that I wrote or me spending time looking for an image or even me just simply going absent minded and looking around the web before coming back. This entry was published at exactly 8:09 PM
Today right out of the gate when I got up I was instantly fighting with depression, it was like I was hanging off the edge of a cliff, struggling to hold on and pull myself up. I have tried to keep myself distracted and had some laughs watching cards against humanity games and while I had 1 second of pleasure it was immediately followed this emptiness and hurt feeling. I had to go get a new SS card because I lost mine some time back, I was an idiot and kept it in my wallet which I then lost and went out to eat at this Mexican restaurant where I had a steak stuffed large burrito with some cheese sauce on top and then we went to pet co. to get my cat some eatable grass and more food, my mom wanted to go to Walmart but I made her drive me home because I felt I could not take it anymore.
So she dropped me off and headed to Walmart. I revisited several episodes of Code Geass and read up on the current news, Bigot Kim Davis is still being a Bigot, Russia sending bits of its armed forces to help Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad which is good because I like Assad, he is a good leader despite the lies said by western media, Trump is still being a loud mouth buffoon, the usual stuff. I am very interested in political and military matters and history as well. I go and see my meds doctor again on Friday, I just don’t know what to say anymore.... I feel extremely lonely and it’s my own fault because I don’t go out and socialize and I even stopped playing online because of lack of interest.
Truth be told I still think about dying all the time and wanting to die, thinking about how I want to do it and then worrying over if I survive an attempt. I am very afraid of telling anybody about this and I want some advice on if I should say anything to either my therapist and/or my meds doctor. I haven’t seen my therapist in a long time, I guess I should check the calendar and if I do not have an appointment I will set one up tomorrow. I am tired and I want it to be bed time, I want to enter the dream world again, free from worry and depression. I haven’t really thought about smoking weed in a while as a way to escape from my daily struggle for a little while. Part of me doesn’t want to disconnect from the world, another part of me doesn’t want to spend the money, and all of me doesn’t want to get caught.
I cannot believe it is already the middle of September, wow this month and year has gone by fast and so far I can say this has been the worst year of my life with my severe depression and my mom being in and out of the hospital all year and she marrying the fat stinky oaf of a man, I really hate him and he really disgusts me and pisses me off. I know this sounds childish but when he is not looking I flip him off, I don’t know why I do it but I just feel like I must express my hatred.
Loading comments...