Tinder in Chunky giblets

WARNING BLAH BLAH BLAH OFFENDED BLAH BLAH DON’T CRY TO ME BLAH BLAH you get the gist.

Tinder is an app created for the desperate and pathetic who are unable to get a date or even some pity sex from that fat friend you have. It gathers personal information (i.e. horny, hopeless, getting back at daddy, need to test new handgun on live target, etc.) and matches you up with similar users in your area. It’s also utilized heavily by trolls, rapists, and scumbags, albeit for different purposes.

Tinder works by pairing up your Facebook information with that of another and giving you a list of potential matches. You then look at their profile and then swipe right on the screen to like or left to pass. If two users like then it connects you for chat. But what happens if you accidentally swipe left when you meant to swipe right? Fuck you, that’s what. You can never see that person again. They could have been your one and only chance for love, and you just fucked it up, dumbass. The schemers at Tinder know you want to avoid this, so if you want to enable the “Rewind” feature they make you start handing over your monies for Tinder Plus.

In March 2015, Tinder realized that a lot of its users were using the app for purposes other than intended, and also that the advertisements that kept the service in business were peanuts compared to the mass amounts of gold they could rake in by requiring payments to enable certain features (some you got before for free). Tinder’s response to these revelations was to impose a number of limitations unless you subscribe to what they dubbed “Tinder Plus.” Basically, you’re limited in the amount of swipes you can do within a 12-hour period with the free version, and so you’re fucked if you go over your limit unless you dole out money to purchase Plus.
The funniest part about Plus, however, is the pricing: it’s USD9.99 for people under 28 and $19.99 for people over 28. See, Tinder is well aware that people 28 or younger have other dating options and use Tinder only for fun. But anyone over 28 who is using Tinder is pathetic and desperate, because they’ve been trying and failing to get dates for a decade or more, and they’re either worried that what little hair they still have will be gone before finding a mate, or that they will die childless because their ovaries will have become atrophied husks before anyone ladles out the baby gravy. So if you’re an over 28 Tinder Plus user and you still can’t find another graying, wrinkling, desperate partner, you may wish to consider your other options.

Enter Warriena Wright. Warriena Wright was a clueless New Zealand woman who apparently didn’t realize that she was hot enough to have no need for Tinder. She met a gentleman by the name of Gable Tostee who, after giving her what people sign up for Tinder for, decided that Ms. Wright’s good looks would be of better use smeared all over concrete, and so he chucked her ass out of a 14th story window. As it turns out, the last moments of her life were being recorded, and the police released a full transcript of her final moments. Another victory for social media.

In a turn of extremely ironic events for a company that makes a dating app they claim is safe for women, Tinder co-founder Whitney Wolfe sued the company due to sexual harassment by fellow co-founder and butthurt ex-boyfriend Justin Mateen. When Wolfe complained to company CEO Sean Rad, he did the only logical thing and demanded her resignation, because obviously there is no chance of that blowing up in his face. However, Wright had actually saved all the texts between her and Mateen and Rad, and in an unexpected move, the court released the caps to the public. Naturally, Tinder and its parent company collectively shit their pants and immediately decided to settle. This resulted in a $1,000,000 settlement for Wright, Mateen leaving the company, and Rad stepping down as CEO. Unfortunately I don’t have the screengrabs just yet but in some of them Mateen refers to “middle aged Muslim pigs” and Rad warns her “Shut it. I’ll come get you”.

Well, in response to the above mentioned introduction of Tinder Plus, one brave Floridian named Billy Warner decided to take a stand against Tinder’s obvious cash grab and filed a class-action suit (inviting literally anyone else pissed to join) claiming that the customer base was maliciously tricked when a formerly free app started asking for money to unlock certain features and that this is sinister false advertising. Of course, most people who aren’t fucktards or just trying to pull their own cash grab would just say “fuck this” and go try and get a real date or use a different app or website. However, some argue that Warner is actually a master IRL troll and that this entire class-action is being orchestrated for the lulz. If this is the case, it is encouraged that everyone join in this cause for great justice.

Last updated September 04, 2015