exhausted barrage in idea barrages

1.) Rick Perry can write all his hateful ideas down and shove them up his ass, a Texas book suppository.

2.) Put the “metal” in “metal”. Put the “teak” in “steak”, even. Subvert arbitrary constructions of reality wherever possible.

3.) A softcore adaptation of the science fiction classic, “Plan Fiiiiiiiiiine From Outer Space”.

4.) In Canada, it’s called 67.25 SHADES OF GREY.

5.) I refuse to take seriously any performer whose stage name is that close to “Wetty Fap”. Sounds like a My Little Pony fan character.

6.) Like Sheryl Crow’s “All I Wanna Do” except all I wanna do is punch Rand Paul until the world wakes up and people matter more than stuff.

7.) Deadpool’s healing factor as metaphor for Ryan Reynolds’ career: no matter how often it shoulda died, it just comes back uglier.

8.) I long for the day it turns out all these insurance discounters turn out to be shell companies to prop up terrible advertising firms.

9.) The new big food meme out of Utah is “Will It Bland?”

10.) How does a dark and realistic Fantastic Four compute to ANYone? We’re THIS close to a grim-and-gritty Gummi Bears reboot.

11.) Bill Pullman and Bill Paxton get into fights over which is Dane Cook and which is Ryan Reynolds.

12.) Once again I fought the reflex to look up the most messed-up stuff I can think of on my laptop in the airport, just to mess with people.

13.) 35% of all airport announcers are doing goofy voices on purpose out of pure working malice.

14.) Agent Mulder mansplained the supernatural like it was his job.

15.) Actually, the notebook in The Notebook was the notebook from Death-Note because they made it kill them in the end.

16.) Just once I wanna walk into a dressing room and it’s filled with delicious Stove Top.

17.) Step one: imagine every Donald Trump quote in a Valley Girl voice. Step two: ??? Step three: profit!

18.) Who are these who’d pay more money just to get the boarding lane with the little blue mat in it? MATLESS BOARDING LANE 4 LYFE!

19.) In the boarding area, you triage who you’d wanna hook up with if you all crashed on an island together. Admit it. ADMIT IT.

20.) I call shenanigans on “the Mile High Club”. You’d have to be two yoga rubber-persons. I can’t turn around in those bathrooms.

21.) A woman dressed as a raccoon, a man dressed as a tree and when they exchange vows, he only says “I AM GROOM!”

22.) An early Kirby drawing of the Human Torch with the caption “Burning Man 1962”.