I found out yesterday, last night. I was asked to go for a walk which is a ritual for “my husband has pissed me off, I’ve had a bad day, I need a smoke, and I need to bitch.” This walk started with a slight tremble “we got some news…” I asked who was pregnant, someone had to be pregnant by now, if not her then possibly her sister in law. She stalled… we made it down the block before I demanded that she spit it out. “We’re moving…”
Auto defense mode kicks in and I shut down, I congratulate her but at that moment I want to sit down on the sidewalk and simply cry like a toddler who just had their favorite toy taken away from them.
The only words that hold any hope are “we’ll get all the details tomorrow…”
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I met Kathleen nearly 11 years ago, she had been an angel who came to my side and had rescued me from my mother in law. It had also been the first time meeting my mother in law whom had lived in a very small town, she had been a shut in whom the second I walked into her house pointed the finger at me and accused me of stealing her son away. I was 19 years old and away from my family for the first time, in a hick town meeting and staying with a woman who hated my guts. I remember Kathleen lovingly embracing me “it’ll be okay sweetheart” she let my then boyfriend now husband and I sleep on the couch of her place (well her boyfriend now husband’s place.) I didn’t even have my stuff with me, I had left everything back at my in-laws, she offered me a nightshirt to sleep in, it was silk… just like the one I had stuffed into my travel bag.
I had been in the market for a new best friend, it seemed my social circle from high school had abandoned me when my ex and I had broken up and I had spent the past year at the side of my boyfriend. We had worked together, moved in together, spent all our spare time together… and yet I was missing that solid relationship with a female, that something that only women can share with one another and I now wanted to share that with her. Kathleen was a perfect match, she was motherly, soft spoken, and had a dark past like I did. The kind of person you could tell things too and instead of judging she would simply relate back with something similar. As Kat passed me that silk nightgown and then lead me outside to the balcony so she could have a cigarette and chat with me I felt this instant bond, she knew my boyfriend’s crazy mother, was offering advice, and was smiling at me apologetically that I had to deal with this. Yes, she was a keeper.
~~~
We hadn’t even finished our walk and I was already making a mental list of people whom could fill the void. My heart was racing near panic attack levels, I was going to be alone again. I had my son, my husband, and a few friends whom I saw once a year… the other person who popped into my mind was my sister in law, she was pregnant… she would need me, I could dode on her, but it wouldn’t be the same. I was angry too, how could Kathleen leave me? I choked that down… our kids have grown up together, now you’re separating them from THEIR best friends… I choked that down too. I kept trying to make a list in my head, who can replace you? You won’t be around anymore, who will I go dancing with? Who will I go to the beach with? Go shopping with? Bitch about my period with? I spiral down and hold all emotions in the pit of my stomach, refusing to let them out. I don’t want her to see me cry over her because I’m supposed to be happy, I’m supposed to be the one cheering her on… instead I want to ruin everything so her family has to stay here, I pray the details fall through. This is why I don’t make friends, I’m selfish.
~~~
I don’t make friends easily, I was never popular, I was never molded into a shape I couldn’t possibly fit. I was who I was and the world had to accept me for that. I’m dark, sarcastic, sometimes I blurt shit out that still surprises the people who know me best, and it seems that some days I just simply don’t shut up and can talk someone’s ear off. I need someone as a partner in crime per-se someone understanding who will put up with me. I’m easy in the way of if you give me your friendship I will become loyal to you until the end, I will drop everything to make you feel better, to help you in any possible way that I can. You’d think that would be the game changer but it wasn’t… to this day I’ve had a handful of people whom I could call good friends.
~~~
Kathleen comes inside with me after the walk, she tells my husband whom wishes her luck. James doesn’t seem upset, he doesn’t think it’ll happen. He’s optimistic about the situation, he says they don’t know for sure yet. We put our son (Dante) to bed and watch some Dexter. We go to bed and that’s when the tears start, when I allow the weight to sink from my chest into my heart, I cry and my husband comforts me. It doesn’t make sense to go to sleep so we go and watch some light hearted tv together, South Park… there’s nothing I can do about how I’m feeling. I ask my husband to make them stay because he’s the most powerful and influential person I know.
Again, I am selfish.
~~~
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