So I never did go to my interview this morning. I got up about 7am and got breakfast and then decided to pass back out for awhile. I just can’t be at a job where my pay is solely based on commission and where I’m on call evenings and weekends. I took a small nap and the department store had left a voicemail so I called back and I’m going to my orientation Wednesday at 1pm! I’m pretty excited because it’s $9/hr (which isn’t much) but I don’t have to wear a uniform and I stay inside where it’s air conditioned.
I’m really hoping that this job will work out and be a better fit for me than the restaurant job was. I don’t plan on going back because it’s the same job that I left and I was hoping it would be better than that one but it was wishful thinking. It’s actually more of a joke than the last one and I knew it probably wasn’t a good idea to even apply considering I was super burnt out doing the same thing for 20 months but I was hoping that because it was a different place, that I would really enjoy it and plan on staying for awhile but I knew even the first day that I wasn’t feeling it but just thought if I kept going, that it would get better.
I really don’t believe I have a problem with authority but when I’m having to take orders from 16 year old girls that are rude and follow me around to bark orders, I was about to slap her!! I just don’t see myself being able to handle an that kind of environment where almost almost everyone is younger than me, it’s poorly ran, it’s more per hour but you do way more, I still don’t get off work when I’m supposed to and I’m constantly dirty and sweaty.
Maybe I’m making too big a deal out of the small things but coming from a place where I made way more in tips and it was a lot easier to pay my bills to a place where the tips are less than half than before, it makes me realize it’s time to get into something completely different. I’ve known for awhile that I want to get into a different type of job where I don’t have to make or serve food and obviously the time is now.
I know that it’s time to try different things and I want to. I can’t see myself working in food service anymore. It’s tiring, gross, doesn’t pay enough, and there’s no future in it at all. You might get promoted but it’s less money and more responsibility! Fuck that, I know what it’s like to manage and it’s definitely not my thing.
It’s just frustrating because I was hopeful that once I got my GED and some college under my belt that there would be better opportunities for me but there really isn’t. Every time I look on Facebook or Craigslist, the only jobs are basically front desk at motels, cashiers, housekeeping and fast food. I know how to do all these jobs and have experience with them but it’s not shit that I can see myself doing long term.
I’m definitely glad that the department store has called me back because I’ve been wondering about it. I’m glad that everyone gave me such a good reference and does what they can to be supportive.
So Matt text me last night saying that he didn’t go out of town and was trying to get me to come over and blow him. I almost went, got dressed and put make up on until he said that he didn’t agree to go down on me and that was the last straw. I am not going to deal with someone who’s selfish and is all about me pleasing them but doesn’t care to please me so I stopped responding and then this morning I wake up to a text saying to lose his number, which I did. I never saved it in the first place and keep deleting the thread so if he stopped texting me, I wouldn’t have his damn number!
He’s a fucking scumbag, a selfish one and I refuse to be caught up in another shitty situation with someone where they don’t care about me at all, don’t talk to me with any respect but want me to do everything I can for them. I’ve been through that before I refuse to give in to it again. I’m honestly hoping that he just leaves me alone and if I have to, I’ll change my number because that’s probably the only way he’s going to actually leave me alone. I admit that I did have feelings for him but it came to a screeching hault.
I’m just sick of men acting like they are so nice when it’s just a fucking lie. They tell you whatever it’s going to take to get what they want with no intention on caring for you. I’m glad that I didn’t put too much time or energy into this or I’d be extremely pissed right now. It sucks that every guy starts off so great and within a few days, I’m already over it. I’m proud of myself for not giving in and going over to his house last night because I know that if I did, I would have been so angry at myself. I already know this guy doesn’t care for me, doesn’t have any intention on being in a relationship with me and is only thinking for himself.
I’m glad I don’t work today and tomorrow I don’t plan to go. I’ve spent the last 4 days worrying about this shit and thankfully, I’ve found something else. It’s been on my mind so much that I have excruciating headaches, my back is killing me, and I’ve been grinding my teeth again. I want to work but I don’t want to work there. I just don’t want to be in full uniform, have to wear a hat, and take orders from children. I was so hopeful that this place was going to be better than the last one but it’s just as much of a dump!
It was probably foolish of me to go to another job doing the exact same thing I’ve been burnt out on for months. I was really hoping that I would like it and things would have worked out, but just in the few days I was there, I was already fucking miserable. I was so fucking sick of how much shit I was expected to do because it’s another place where they are too dependent on certain people! I know that it was more per hour but I also DID way more too. I also wasn’t thrilled about having to wear a hat, having to tuck my shirt in, wearing a belt and wearing shoes that were super wore out because they were the only ones I had close to the color black! I was never going to be able to afford the shoes I needed and I could see that becoming an issue. They said something the other day because my shirt wasn’t tucked in and it’s because they gave me a size too small and it wasn’t long enough! It’s not like I purposely was trying to not follow the rules!
I think I’m going to pick up my niece from daycare at 4 and hang out with her for awhile. I definitely don’t feel as stressed out, for the first time in about 2 weeks. I’m getting shit figured out, finally.
And if Matt wants to be angry and butt hurt that I’m not going to come around just to satisfy his sexual needs, well that’s on him. I’ve been treated like that enough in my life and am not going to stand for it anymore. Relationships and sex are a 2-way street and if someone isn’t willing to please me then they shouldn’t get too angry when I’m not trying to please them either. I sucked him off for at least an hour the other night and I was annoyed because my ribs, shoulders and stomach was sore for 2 days afterwards. I don’t mind going down on a guy at all but when I know they aren’t going to do it to me, then there’s not a lot of incentive for me to keep doing it for them.
I’m really annoyed that I can’t even find a decent fuck buddy. They are either crazy or selfish so it’s best that I just stick to myself for now. I can’t really worry about other people since I’m still between jobs and need to get that figured out before I worry about having any kind of a relationship with anyone, especially a toxic one like I had with Matt. I’m super bummed that he turned out to be a selfish piece of shit when he was so nice the 2 times we hung out. It was all an act and that’s why I don’t believe there’s any nice guys left in this world. They start off that way and then once they get what they want, they aren’t nice anymore.
At least now I know what kind of person he is so I don’t have to worry about wasting any more time. I know that if he would have continued being the nice guy that he showed me he could be, things would have went a different way but I’m glad things ended up where they are because he had an underline ulterior motive and it came out very early on so I didn’t have too much time invested. I’m grateful for that because I wasted 8 months with someone that was the exact same way and I put up with it because he wouldn’t let me go and I was in a phase were I didn’t want to be alone but now I understand I’m gonna be alone no matter what so it doesn’t matter.
All I’ve wanted for the longest time was to have a relationship with someone but because of everything I’ve been through and after how many relationships where I’ve been abused, I believe I’m just too fucked up. I don’t believe that I’m worthy of being with anyone long term because I don’t see anyone treating me like an actual human being that’s going to give me what I need. I’ve always been made to believe that being married, having kids, and wanting certain sexual things done is just not possible, I’m realizing that maybe it’s not.
I used to think that the blame for this shit was on the men I’ve encountered and dated but now I think it’s me. I think I want way too much because I’ve never been able to find what I’m looking for. After being single for so long, having plenty of conversations about my past relationships, and actually focusing on myself, I’ve learned that I’ve made mistakes too and that’s why I’m much quicker to dip out on men before they can do any mental and emotional damage because I’m still working through the shit that’s happened to me from my past.
My mistakes consist of me not walking away when I should’ve, loving too hard too fast, and putting up with shit when I should have spoke up and that’s why now I have learned that no one is going to care about my feelings except me so that’s why I’m more able to walk away when someone is being hurtful and mean, I can say no without explanation and not loving too hard too fast anymore. I won’t make the same mistakes as I did because that’s where I’m where I’m at now. Maybe the right guy will come along that will respect me as a person, have understanding to my boundaries and can handle me saying no to things.
I’ve learned so much about myself in the past 2 years and I feel like I continue to grow as a person everyday. I can actually speak up now and not just let people walk all over me. If I don’t want to do something, I just don’t. I can tell people off and have a backbone and it’s been really great for my self-esteem. I just can’t go back down a shitty road with someone who won’t love me back, doesn’t care what I want, and has no compassion for my feelings. I just won’t do it because it doesn’t lead to anything positive.
I’m grateful to be where I’m at mentally and emotionally because I never thought I’d turn out to be the strong person that I always wanted to be. Everything has changed but I’m more me than I’ve ever been. I’ve learned so much about myself and even when I’m at my loneliness, I’d rather be by myself than have someone who’s just using me and doesn’t care about me or what I want. It’s just not worth it. I’m not going to waste my time with yet another shitty situation that’s just toxic because if it starts out that way, it stays that way.
I’m gonna go get some cleaning done and get my niece after awhile. More later.
Loading comments...