So today I woke up in some kind of funk that I’m still in. I told my job I had to leave town and they said to call back on Monday. I’m not officially on the schedule yet and they were super nice about it. I’ve decided that it’s probably best that I stay, at least until I can find something else. I’m going to tell them I can only do Tuesday through Friday that way I can still have a life outside of work and pay at least some of my bills. It’s not going to do for me to completely quit because I have nothing lined up and I don’t want to be without a job because then by the time I find another one, it’s going to be hell getting back into it because of my social anxiety.
I got some groceries, made my car payment, turned in my medicaid denial letter, and got my diabetic medication. Walmart was just insane and then I remembered why, it’s Friday. That place was just ridiculous and I stood in line for about 20 minutes to get my prescription. I hate being there when it’s super busy because it makes me feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I get really freaked out when people are in my way and start to feel like I’m gonna go insane. That place just irritates the shit out of me because NOBODY there has showered recently and has 20 fucking kids running all around screaming and crying. It’s terrible that people can’t raise their kids to behave in a public place!
I’m still upset about the whole Matt ordeal but I have to remember that I went into it knowing he didn’t want a relationship and the best thing for him was to push me away so he didn’t have to worry about feeling things towards me. I understand that he’s been hurt and so have I but it would have been nice if he would have ever considered my feelings but that NEVER happens. I’m just glad that things ended as quickly as they started so no real harm was done. I’ll just be happy when a few days go by and I completely forget about it.
I have my niece for a few minutes because her parents wanted to go for a bike ride. I’ve gotten dishes done and garbage taken out. I need to clean up my bedroom because it’s just full of laundry all over everything but I don’t know where to put things because most of it is shit that I wear so if I put it away, I won’t be able to find it again. I already have stuff that I’d like to wear but I can’t find it so I don’t want to go through that again. I’m still wishing I would find my jean capris but they are no where to be found. I just have too much shit and I need to start downsizing. It’s super frustrating when I can’t find shit!
The good news is I don’t have to make a car payment for about 5 weeks if I didn’t want to because I’m so far ahead. It definitely takes a little bit of stress off but I still have plenty of bills to worry about. I just don’t know what to do right now and it scares me. I feel like I’m going through a mid-life crisis or something. My emotions are just all over the place, I feel like no matter where I want to work it won’t make me happy and I can’t stand where I work now. I have 16 year old girl bossing me around! Like WTF! I’m literally twice her fucking age!
I really don’t see myself lasting at this place but if I fuck it up, I’m pretty much out of options for this kind of job. I honestly am sick of doing this kind of job and just want something that’s not food service that I’d actually have benefits and shit. I’m just scared because I have no help, no where to turn so I can’t just be jobless. It is nice that they were understanding about me not being there the next couple of days but I honestly need some time to figure out what I wanna do. I know that I can’t be at a job without tips unless it’s full time and this is probably the best fit for me at least for now but it’s just driving me crazy.
I applied at a gas station earlier today so maybe something will come from that. I doubt it because even if they hire me, I’d be stuck working full time because part time wouldn’t be enough to even make my car payment and I really don’t want to work full time because my rent just gets crazy and I won’t be eligible for any assistance whatsoever but be in a worse boat. I just wish I could move away from this place because the wages are shit here and there’s no way to come up unless you have a college degree.
School is something I’d like to consider getting back into but I don’t know what I want to do. I know that I’d be interested in medical assisting and to do that online wouldn’t take too long so I’m going to think about that. I’m going to make some calls on Monday and see who offers it here and maybe get back into school but if I do, I’m not going to be able to work ALL THE FUCKING TIME like I tried to do before. That’s part of the reason why I dropped out, I just couldn’t handle never getting enough sleep and everything was suffering. If I was able to do it on a very part-time basis and work on a very part-time basis, I will consider it.
It looks like I’ll have my niece tomorrow night so it would be awesome to find something to do tonight but I know that won’t happen. I fucking hate never having friends or people to even talk to on the phone. I’ve been feeling so alone lately and it’s worse now because I’m not happy with my job or where I’m at in life. I just need someone to point my in the right direction and help me figure out who I should talk to and where to go. It’s hard dealing with it all on my own. My Mom is always offering for me to come live with them and I appreciate that but I’ve been on my own way too long to go back to the nest.
I’m hoping I will stop feeling this way once I’ve been at my job for a little bit and have a better idea of what I’m doing because then I’ll be more comfortable. I absolutely hate being the new person. I didn’t think it would bother me too much because I couldn’t see past getting out of the hell hole I was in but now all I want to do is go back. It was my comfort zone, my place of consistency and I loved knowing what I was doing every second but now, it really sucks having to constantly ask people what I should do and follow people around. I hate always wondering if I’m doing things right too.
As far as my loneliness goes, I was doing alright with it while I was always busy and had money. I learned to just take it in stride and cope when the times got hard but now, I’m just so fucking tired of it. I’m sick of this situation. I’m annoyed that I found a what I thought was a cool guy like Matt and he just turned out to be like all the others. I finally broke down and text him tonight and we were visiting about me possibly coming over and then I just didn’t hear back so I’ve deleted his name and number and just need to forget about it. I honestly need to just accept that I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life so there’s no point in trying to change it.
I admit the reason why I wanted a couple extra days off is because I wanted to have some time for myself to not only try and figure out what I want to do for work but to also make sense of this thing with Matt. I know that I shouldn’t be as fucked up over it as I am but it’s really getting to me. Part of me wants to bury my head in my pillow and bawl my eyes out and another part of me would love to punch him in the face numerous times. I’m just sick of getting my hopes up thinking that the next one will be different, where it could actually turn into something great but they all have ulterior motives and their own agendas so I’m kinda screwed.
It just sucks because now days, everyone’s been hurt so no one is really wanting to let their guard down. I know I’m not but it’s like when I find someone I like and can see myself getting to know, they turn their back on me. I’m just sick of feeling like no one will give me the time of day. I never get the chance to actually hang out with someone and get to know them. Like with Matt, I didn’t get to know his favorite food, or what he likes to do for hobbies, or what was really in his heart. He got what he wanted and that’s all that mattered.
It would help if I was just as heartless as the men I find. I really wish I was but for some reason, I still believe that I could find someone to share my life with. I don’t see myself ever completely giving up but I can’t go on getting hurt either. I’m not as heartless as I try to make people believe I am but I have to act like it so they don’t think they can walk all over me.
I really don’t know what else to say so I’m just going to listen to music on Youtube and try to pass out soon. I’ve taken my Tylenol PM but now I’m even more upset so who knows when the fuck I’ll get to bed. FUCK!
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