terrible flu barrage in idea barrages

1.) If you were expecting good music at the Super Bowl Halftime Show, you’re probably the one still thinking SNL might be funny next week too.

2.) All those suits at the end of Iron Man 3, that… that was a Starknado, wasn’t it?

3.) Tolkien INVENTED TLDR. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

4.) The one advantage we have is that people trained to blindly follow orders have a helluva time getting creative. We got that one.

5.) If we locked him in a Clockwork Orange thing & forced him to watch all his terrible movies, it could be an M. Night Shameathon.

6.) In Spain, all pirates believe they are Ho-Hos, it’s weird.

7.) Is it possible to cough your own lungs inside out? Asking for a me.

8.) Malcolm Gladwell looks like The Scarecrow in a giant Halloween afro wig, it’s weird. Musta took 10,000 hours to pull that off.

9.) Don’t praise “maverick” right wing cranks for the 2% of the time they’re sane, damn ‘em for the other 98. RE: McCain, Christie, Megyn Kelly.

10.) No one ever talks about John Boehner’s association with the radical Orange Panther movement.

11.) Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Waterfalls are basically stationary. It would be boring as hell.

12.) Silk Road and Pirate Bay should just move everything to Bing. NO ONE WOULD EVER LOOK THERE.

13.) This is as close as I will ever get to a humblebrag: the last thing I would wanna do is shovel the deck and stairs with my throat on fire, hacking up stuff that looks like the stuff in the He-Man Slime Pit but… I’m not gonna let Ma do it if she’s workin’ all day. That driveway, however, it is on its goddamned own.

14.) The profane is the divine. The divine IS the profane. That’s the whole point of either concept.

15.) I’ll get through this horrible cold but only because there are more words to write and women to admire from afar. Other than that, why even?

16.) I wonder how many football nerds made “Celery Cap” jokes when ordering wings yesterday. Here’s what I do know: no one laughed.

17.) The nerdiest name ever for a DJ would be “Batroc the Looper”.

18.) take me down to the Parrot Ice City/where they’re too cheap to license out for Slush-Puppies

19.) In a hipster wedding, almost as important as the bride and groom themselves is the crucial role of the Best Manchild.

20.) He was talking about that weird half-season of Saved By The Bell without Kelly and she was all like “COOL TORI, BRO!”

21.) Couldn’t just be a brightly-coloured sprite running fast to fight robots. You needed grim & gritty & furry pornography. THANKS INTERNET.

22.) Walk out of the bathroom in a really fancy establishment, proudly proclaiming “What a dump!” See what happens.

23.) Here’s your next band’s name: The Usual Ghosts. You TELL me that band name doesn’t headline Southbysouthwest.

24.) When reading racism by Pats fans after the Super Bowl, it’s important to remember Boston is essentially Apartheid South Africa w/ duckboats.

25.) Actually, the chicken did it because of ethics in road-crossing journalism.

26.) I’m like in the nutrient bath in THE MATRIX except with Vaporub.

27.) If you get into something just for the money, you will either fail or fail the world. MAYBE BOTH.

28.) What’s twenty feet tall, turns into a truck and is a deeply disappointing manufactured rite of passage? OPTIMUS PROM.

29.) I have a hard time remembering that Current Reboot Spock and Previous Reboot Superman aren’t the same actor. Reboot. Reboot.

30.) Neighborhoodwatch think they’re cops. Cops think they’re soldiers. Soldiers just hope the endless war w/ Eurasia will stop being profitable.

31.) Every other prejudice comes down to justifying why it’s ok for some people to be powerless & poor. But it is not ok. For ANYONE.

32.) Weird should be a title like Sir or Dame. It should be a High Honour. There should be a Council of Weird that determines it.