It’s the 4th of July. Yay. If I actually had something to do anyways. There’s stuff going on in town but it’s going to be 92+ today and hot. I hate hot. The baby hates hot. We’re just sitting inside watching tv with the central air blowing full force.
I’m currently watching Love Story - It’s about the love story of JFK Jr and his eventual wife. It’s fabulous. I have not googled to see how accurate it is. It’s amazing though. Watching how their romance came to be. How it evolved. How much self worth and strength she had. She didn’t just anxiously attach to him. She didn’t throw herself at him. She made him work for it. Chase her. Fall in love with her. I love it. Seriously, watching this just inspires me. Makes me want to achieve a life like this. A love like this. I told JR I was watching it last night as I want to finish it. He asked if I was taking notes. Ummmm, no, should I be? I thought I was doing pretty well with him. In reality though, yes, I am taking mental notes. Learning what I want in life. Realizing that being slightly hard to catch is so much better than desperate. I don’t ever want to be desperate again.
Things with JR are going pretty amazingly. I’m still struggling with wanting to dive in, spend every second together, talk constantly. I know it’s not healthy. I know slow is good. Damn, I like him though. But I want a love story like this and I’m willing to play the long game. Ready. Trying hard. Really, I just need to get a grip on my awful anxious attachment.
I have no idea when I wrote last. We’ve hung out every few days - or more - since the first date which was 2 weeks ago. When we’re together it’s like we are the only people on the planet. Time stands still. It goes from being 7 pm to 2 am in minutes. It’s incredible. I honestly can’t get enough of him. I invited him to the lake Thursday night as I was going paddleboarding. He told me he’d love to but wasn’t sure how he’d feel. Well, after working a long day cutting down trees from a storm he still showed up at 9:30 or so. And gorgeously stripped down and dove into the water. Swimming to wear I was to just relax in the water for a minute. Kiss me. Talk. Then he got his kayak and we again enjoyed the dark lake. The sunset was gorgeous. The storms moving in from both sides were beautiful. We were surrounded by far away lightning. Not the smartest. Yet, it was incredible. We floated. We talked. We simply enjoyed each other. He’s so sweet, smart, deep conversations. Honestly, this man is nothing like I always envisioned him or thought of him. I’ve known who he was for probably a decade, yet I obviously knew nothing about it.
We eventually made it to shore. Yet, we’re slow loading up as usual. It’s like we just get lost in one another. We finally made it out of the water but just kept talking, kissing. He’d say he needed to get going. Then start kissing me again. Start talking. Repeat. Incredible. Finally I started gathering all my stuff and getting it ready. Then I went to grab the paddleboard while he was peeing in a bush or something…
He came back over and snapped at me. I’m not sure how I feel about this yet. He just snapped to put it down and that when he’s around to let him carry the heavy stuff. That he wants that to be his job. That I’m not to be doing stuff he can do to make my life easier. It was just a few sentences but slightly harsh. I just quietly reminded him I’m capable and do things like this alone all the time. He then nicely came over and told me he knew I was capable but I just shouldn’t have to when I have him. That I don’t have to be tough with him around. It’s okay. He then kissed me again and just gave me a nice calming hug while he looked into my eyes. Then he told me that this was all magical and he was so thankful I invited him.
We very slowly got everything together. I didn’t try to do anymore heavy lifting, packing or door opening. Just letting him do it all. He gave me another amazing kiss, told me I drive him crazy, I smiled and said he better get going and drove away. I wanted so badly to beg him to come over. To spend the night. To not let the night end. I didn’t though. Mostly. Slow. Make it intriguing. Make him always leave wanting more.
He texted me bright and early the next morning… “Good morning, last night was amazing! Thanks for inviting me and making it magical. Hope you have a good start to your vacation today 😘”. Seriously, perfect way to wake up. It really was magical and amazing.
I’ve just grappled with the tone of him telling me not to lift things. Is it okay? Honestly, I kind of liked it. Is it sadistic to enjoy being snapped at? It felt… normal. Like that’s far more the tone I’m used to. Really, I did like having someone else tell me what to do in life. I didn’t like the bad times. Yet, not having to make basic decisions was great. I’m so indecisive. He may have snapped but he did mean well. I’m sure my constant need for independence does get frustrating when you have a constant need to be a gentleman. I know I’m a lot. I know I have issues. I also know that though it feels weird I do like the feeling of being cared for.
In the end, I do want to get better at letting him just take care of me. Letting him do everything. Has anyone ever taken care of me like that in my entire life? Even as a child I was forced to be independent. It’s weird. Yet, comforting. It’s just hard letting my guard down, letting my hyper independence and trauma relax. Accepting something I’ve never had.
I’m so truly excited to see where this goes. Yet, I’m terrified. It’s too early to make it exclusive. I’m not ready. I won’t put all my eggs in one basket again. In the same breath, I don’t want to share him. I don’t want to think of him spending his time with other girls. I honestly don’t want to hang out with other guys. Sigh. It’s complicated. Can we just like skip to being married and living happily ever after? I despise dating.
Tonight… He asked last night if I was open to going to watch fireworks somewhere on the outskirts of town. Absolutely. It sounds amazing. I asked what time so I could get a babysitter and he said to plan the sitter by 8 pm. Yes sir. Sounds lovely. I cannot wait. 8 more hours. Yay. I already don’t want the future night to end. I wish we were spending the whole day together. This is great though. More than I was expecting. I’ll work on my feminine energy tonight and 100% letting him be the man and me not being independent and stubborn.
So yeah. That’s that. I had more to write but that’s enough for now. We’ll catch up on Chase and the rest of my life next time.
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