It’s been a week. A good week. Just one more day of work and I’ll get a day off. It won’t be much of a day off but at least kind of.
On the dating front… This is the first time I’ve felt peace since Nick. The first time I didn’t ever stop to think “this would have been better if he was Nick”. I’ve went on some decent dates. Yet, every time, every person, I was just left comparing them to Nick and basically feeling like I’d never do as good as I thought he could be. He wasn’t that great in reality, but the fantasy I’d created of him, of us, was amazing.
This time though. JR. He isn’t leaving room for Nick thoughts. He is even better than the fantasy I’d created and thought I’d have with Nick. When I’m with him I’m there, I’m present. My mind isn’t wandering to other people or what ifs. I’m just there. With him. It’s intense. I’ve never had a present that was as good as or better than the fantasy I could create.
We discussed going into this with no expectations. No relationship requirements. No rush to a label or marriage or anything else. Just simply dating and seeing if there was chemistry to want something more. Well, for having no expectations he’s even exceeding the previous expectations I had in life. I never dreamed I’d be treated like this by another person. It’s only been a week, but in that week he’s been better to me than anyone else.
Tuesday we texted some but didn’t hang out. Wednesday is my double shift night. I’d texted him I had to work but he could come eat if he wanted. Not expecting him to. He said if he was ready before I closed he would. I still didn’t expect he would. Fearing he wouldn’t want to be seen in public with me. A little later he asked if I’d be interested in going to the lake when I got off and he’d bring a couple kayaks. E’s asleep when I get off so I agreed but mentioned I had my paddleboard in the car. He then told me he’d see me in 10 minutes. He came in, ate and was super friendly. I sat with him most of his meal and just chatted. Then when he was done he asked if he could grab my paddleboard from my car and he’d get it all ready for me so we could go the moment I was off at 9. I agreed if he was sure and asked if he wanted me to walk outside with him. Still expecting he didn’t want to be seen with me. He simply said of course he wanted me to go with him, always. We ran out and I opened the trunk. He grabbed it. Talked to the cook that was smoking and then boom, gave me a great kiss good bye. Right there. In the open. People watching. I was speechless.
Why am I so convinced he doesn’t want to be seen with me? I have no idea. Because I think he’s pretty amazing. Because I’ve always thought he was better than me. Why would someone like that want to be seen with someone like me? Because I’m used to men trying to keep whatever a secret so they entertain numerous females at once. Because I feel like he could do far better than me and has to have tons of girls wanting him. How could they not?
So far, he just keeps proving me wrong and hasn’t hesitated at anything public. I feel like the real test is a busier restaurant or a community event. Surely, he wouldn’t want to be seen with me if there’s tons of local people around. Yeah… I really have issues.
I managed to get off right at 9 and met him at the small lake that’s just right by where I work. It was still light out with a beautiful sunset going on. He gave me a kiss and I helped do the last few things to get them ready. Really though, he had it all ready to go mostly. So thoughtful.
We got them in the water and made it to the middle in time to watch the rest of the sunset. Then we just floated. Kicked back and talking. Perfect weather. No wind. Warm but not hot. Clear skies and a great view of the moon and stars. We talked and talked and talked. About anything & everything. Rowing occasionally as we drifted. It was so peaceful. So relaxing. I was completely present and immersed in the moment.
I have seriously never done anything like this. No incredible dates and romantic moments. Very little talking endlessly. It’s amazing. I was thinking how great it was when he tells me “he’s done things like this a lot by himself but never with someone else and being with me takes the incredible experience to a totally new level and he didn’t know if could be so great”. Then he also mentioned feeling like the universe was finally getting it right for him and he couldn’t believe how lucky he was. Seriously, he said ALL the right things.
Which then brought me to the fear of love bombing. What if that’s what he’s doing? What if it’s an act? What if he just lures me in with these nice words and then screws me over? I so struggle to have trust that someone likes me or won’t hurt me. He’s seriously the most incredibly thoughtful person I’ve ever went on numerous dates with.
We stayed at the lake until 2 a.m. I was finally cold. It was late. I couldn’t believe how long we lasted. How long we talked about anything and everything and nothing. Not once did I want to check the time or leave. Finally we decided it was time to go. He mentioned that he hated that he didn’t pick me up as he couldn’t bring me home and walk me to the door. I jokingly mentioned he could follow me home then. He did. Seriously. He walked me inside. I then asked if he wanted to hang out for a bit longer and another 2 hours flew by. How does time go so fast with him? It was 4 am but the time I went to sleep. Needless to say I was dead on Thursday.
He left me his hoodie he let me borrow. So high school. So nice. It’s like my Hallmark Dreams are coming true. Finally. Yet, I’m waiting for the bottom to fall out. Waiting to be let down. Waiting to realize it’s not real.
His custody started back Thursday night for a week. He’s taking his kids camping today - Sunday. So I expect I won’t hear much from him if at all. We will see what his communication style is like during his parenting time. I’m good with that. I just don’t like not knowing what to expect really. Like I’m preparing for little to no contact, yet really hoping he proves me wrong.
Needless to say I’m really feeling good but skeptical.
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