The title says it all. I went on an incredible first date Friday night which slightly restored my faith in the dating world. Only partly of course.
I have been really struggling to decide what I want in life. Chase (he’s the guy I’ve been going on dates with since February & took with to Matt Rife) has been trying far more than what he was in Feb/Mar. He obviously likes me. I have full faith he’d be faithful. He’s nice to me. Yet, there’s some stuff I just don’t like. I despise his parenting schedule and think it’s ridiculous how much he allows his ex to control. I keep reminding myself it’s not my circus and not my monkeys. Yet, it does affect me and will affect me in the long term if I decide to pursue something serious with him. This is probably my biggest drawback. I don’t believe in interfering with someone else’s children and ex. Would I be happy though always subjected to that? Am I really interested in the level of enmeshment they have? He denies this of course and tells me it’s not like that. It is though. It’s clear from the outside looking in. I also don’t like his house. If I’m looking at the future I’d have to move there due to the kids. That parts fine. However, his house isn’t feasible for 2 adults and 3 kids. It’s honestly a huge fixer up. It’s small. I’ve worked really hard to get out of that kind of house and that kind of neighborhood. Worked really hard to buy my dream house in my dream neighborhood. (Well it was my dream neighborhood. Nobody told me I’d be living amongst the snobs. I should have known.) I don’t want to downgrade to his house. His suggestion was keeping both houses. Seriously? And what live separately? Eventually I’d like a partner I live with and split the bills with. I’m so tired of paying all these damn bills alone and working two jobs. That defeats the purpose. Yeah, we could combine and buy a new house. He doesn’t ever seem interested in that idea though and his town (an hour away from mine) is even closer to the oilfield and the decent houses like mine are double the price. I can’t afford that. Splitting a mortgage would have me paying the same amount I’m paying now. Maybe it’s superficial to not want to pursue things over a house. Yet, I’m being real. I don’t like his boiler heat, I don’t like how small it is, I don’t like no central air, I don’t like the crappy one bathroom, I don’t like that the upstairs rooms are so small and have like the arches low ceilings. I spent 5 years in a cheap dump to afford to buy my house. I’ve done my time. In the end though, I go back to his parenting schedule. Could I do it? Right now it makes seeing him complicated. He says it’ll change when I meet the kids. Yet, do I want to spend every day with someone else’s kids? I love kids and kid activities. I’d be fine. But I also like adult activities and I do get a babysitter occasionally to do things. They don’t use babysitters, have nobody, he literally just has the kids nearly every night, every weekend day and she has them during the day to homeschool. I don’t know.
He’s also not very in control. She controls everything. He does whatever I want. Like this man does not have a backbone. Like he WANTS to be controlled and has some sexual kinks I can’t say I’m into that involve him being absolutely submissive. My marriage was very controlling. I’m good with someone else having control and somewhat being told what to do. Like I don’t want to revert to that level of control but I do appreciate a good old fashioned dynamic of the male being the head of the household and having a lot of the control. Being so submissive essential just makes me be a bitch to him and I don’t like what that that brings out in me. Like I know I can do whatever and he’ll be like, okay. He doesn’t plan dates. We don’t do anything unique or fun. Just the same thing. Food maybe. A couple beers. TV. Sleep. It’s slightly pathetic.
After being ghosted from the doctor I was feeling pretty low and over dating. I debated deleting my Facebook dating and just being with Chase. Seeing where it went. Trying to just accept his flaws. I do like him. He is nice to me. Yet, there’s that voice in the back of my head that says it’s just not enough. It says I’d be settling. Then I think maybe I can just settle. It would be an okay life. I wouldn’t be alone. I don’t want to settle though. I want more. I want that connection. I want to feel like whoever I’m with is the only person out there. With this guy I keep going on dates, I can’t say I want him to be the only person for the rest of my life.
After this date Friday night though. It made me realize I just don’t want to settle. The fact he’s nice just isn’t enough. I just keep going back to hating his parenting schedule, disliking his lack of planning, disliking that he almost always just sits there and waits for me to pay - it’s weird. That he doesn’t help me carry a thing when we go anywhere with E. Like he basically lets me be the man and I think he freaking likes it. I did text him yesterday that I really don’t think this will work long term. He then just goes into how much he likes me and how it’ll be different when I can be around the kids. Ummmm, you’re missing the point I don’t think I want to be around the kids buddy. So, I don’t know. It would be easier if he’d just take me - this isn’t going to work speech - and move on. He doesn’t grasp it though or see the issues and I guess I haven’t been firm enough to fully enforce boundaries.
The Friday night date though. Wow. That was the moment I realized I don’t want to settle. I want to create the life I’ve always dreamt of. I want to be with someone that sets my soul on fire. Sometimes I start to think I want to much. That what I dream of isn’t realistic. Maybe it is though?
So, Thursday as I was thinking I’d delete the dating app and just try to see if settling was okay I got a message from a guy, JR, that’s actually local. It was simple… “Hey beautiful! I remember you from the clinic a couple months ago. How’s your grandbaby doing?” So simple. I actually met him when I went in 2 months ago and was so sick. I had the double ear infection, sinus infection and bronchitis. I had the baby with me. I looked and felt awful. This guy befriended me in the waiting room and talked nonstop. Asked about the baby. Told me about his kids. He was super nice. I looked him up on Facebook after and it said in a relationship. I decided maybe he wasn’t flirting and moved on. Fast forward to the message - he’s single and very attractive and even remembered my homeless self and wasn’t turned off.
I messaged him back and corrected him it’s my random bonus baby I have full time, not my grandbaby. He asked more questions and told me he grew up with a lot of those kinds of situations and got it. Friday he messaged me and mentioned he thought we’d really get alone and we should meet up. But first he wanted to know what I was looking for on there as he wasn’t looking to jump right into something serious but is looking for a connection and more if it’s right. I debated the whole day and pondered what exactly I am looking for. I want more but I don’t want it quickly. I’m not jumping into a relationship just to say I’m not single. I don’t really want to settle. I want a connection to be there. To find someone I truly enjoy to spend time with and have fun with and that it just feels natural and not forced. Once I find that I’ll definitely want more. I want someone that adds value to my life and isn’t just adding negativity. Yet, I just don’t want to rush it. I want it to be right and I am just “dating them all” currently while I learn what I’m okay with and what I won’t accept. So, I told him exactly that. Then apologized for rambling but I just didn’t know how to shortly explain it as I have learned enough it is complicated.
He quickly responded that we were on the same page and asked if I had plans for the night. I didn’t and double checked I could get a babysitter. Once I was sure I replied about 5 that I had nothing. He texted me back “I’ll pick you up at 7. Wear something nice but that it’s okay to get dirty. We’ll have a view and eat. Just remember we’ll be outside for most of it.” That right there was a first in my life. A man fully planning and taking full control? I was already intrigued. So I rushed to get ready and create perfection. This guys literally already saw me at my worst, I wanted to be my best this time. He let me know he just got off work and would be about 20 minutes late. He communicated until he got there giving me updates. So he arrives about 7:20…
I was watching for him and grabbed my stuff when he arrived to head out. He came to the door and was like - you didn’t have to just rush out, I was coming to the door. Wonderful. I’ve had enough dates where they just expect you to come out that I wasn’t really sure. Gave me a hug. Opened my car door. It was a great first impression. We started driving and he told me it was about a 30 - 40 minute drive to this amazing location he found with his kids but it’s beautiful and would be worth it. We talked the entire way. No awkward silence. Great questions. Just learning each others history and all that.
Then we arrive to the destination. I didn’t even know this place existed. It was secluded with beautiful views of the trees and river and horizon. He advised the sunset would be perfect there. I didn’t smell any take out or see bags of food so was thinking to myself - so much for food, this guys just trying to get laid or something. Well, I took those thoughts back…
He starts unloading the back of his truck. I ask what I should do. Just stand there and look pretty. He brought a folding table to put stuff on, a nice fold up bench seat, a charcoal grill, everything (including condiments) for cheeseburgers, fruit, fancy sodas. He had bug spray, a couple blankets, wood, water. Everything to build a fire and make s’mores. Literally he has every single detail planned out and accounted for. It was incredible.
We watched the sunset, had dinner and just talked for hours. He told me all about his life - I live in a small town, I’ve always known who he was but not much about him. I assumed he came from money and that couldn’t be farther from the truth. He had a rough beginning. Mine also sucked. So, we discussed all that, our kids, friends, random shit, religion, town stuff. It was so nice. The burgers were amazing. He had me walk to where you could see the sunset even better. The sunset turned to star gazing and finding constellations. He danced with me under the stars. When I say I had an amazing time, it was genuinely amazing. I couldn’t believe he thought of everything. And he was upfront that he’d never even tried a date like that or brought anyone else there but was trying to do more. I’d never been on a date like it. So a first for both.
Finally at 1 am we realized the time and we should pack up. I offered to help and he didn’t have much for me to do. He finally said he’s always done it alone and is awful at delegating or sharing tasks. Same dude and I’m not used to someone literally doing everything for me. I went to put something in the truck and he stopped me and kindly explained that though whatever we have is new and we both agreed we were going in with no expectations he did have one… That was the fact I’ll never open a door and he’ll open them all for me. This may be bare minimum but nobody has ever done that for me, especially regularly. Maybe a couple times but it’s never been consistent. So it was sweet.
We drove the 30ish minutes back home and continued nonstop talking. Our date was 7ish hours and we never ran out of things to talk about. He thanked me for the company and mentioned he’d like to do it again. Walked me to the door. Kissed me freaking incredibly.
Texted me the next day and reiterated again his good time and hanging out again. We texted some off/on sporadically during the day. He had folfing plans. I had a baby beast. At the end of the day I’d made a comment it was too bad he was so tired and someone kept him up half the night. He then asked if I was wanting him to come over… Absolutely?…
So, he did come back Saturday night and we just sat and talked more. Debated religions and the different versions of bibles. It was great! Then he realized it was 1 am and he had to get home as he’s got his oldest back already. Some more amazing kissing and I can’t wait to do it again! Seriously.
Overall, he pulled out all the stops and I do really enjoy his company. I had a fabulous time and really hope it wasn’t a one time amazing date. The fact a complete stranger could do all that for me… it just reiterated there are nice guys out there and I don’t NEED to settle. I will find the right person eventually. I can’t quit smiling and thinking about how nice all of it was. How nice he was!! I needed that so badly to just remember I do matter.
So yeah, incredible. I’m working hard on just living in the moment and not rushing anything. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. But damn, I also can’t help thinking - this one’s gonna sting when it’s done. Seriously! One day at a time though. We will slowly see.
Whatever happens though, I’m thankful he appeared and reminded me of my self worth and the fact I deserve more than I give myself credit for. Someday I really will get the life I’ve been dreaming of. I just have to remind myself, chin up, patience.
Loading comments...