Is this a blessing or a curse? I can’t be the only one that’s scared to be alone.
Yawn. Another day.
It’s hard to focus on work when I know it’s a 3 day week. And next week I really need to crack down on my training and get some stuff done. Probably starting monday I’ll be doing 2 hour study sessions at home. Not exciting, not glamourous, just studying so I can keep working and paying bills. :|
Super depressing that’s what life is in this capitalist world. No, it’s not just capitalist, people have been slaving throughout history. At least I have toys I can play with to distract me from the reality huh?
I mean we can sit here and watch from our phones as society collapses in slow motion. That’s kind of neat, right?
Today should get all the hardware and such to hang curtains, such an exciting thing. Will it arrive before I get home though? Maybe. So depending on that I will either do them today, or tomorrow. I’m curious how much they cut down on the A/C. I keep all the doors to the rooms closed, I noticed the central part of the house, 1 big window in the living room, is much colder than the rest of the house. Ugh. When did I get so old? I’m seriously thinking about putting up curtains to save on electric.
Things were so much easier when I was young, I was sure that I was going to die, so the ‘future’ never mattered. I kept my distance from people, knowing I could check out at any time and just be done with this ‘life’ thing. (0/10 would not recommend).
Ah what a young idealistic fool I was… well still am.
I saw a meme, forever ago and it kind of stuck with me. Oh it’s a quote. … which was turned into a meme. so.. same difference I guess?
“Finding yourself” is not really how it works. You aren’t a 10 dollar bill in last winter’s coat pocket. You are also not lost. Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people’s opinions, and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are. “Finding yourself” is actually returning to yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering who you were before the world got it’s hands on you. - Emily McDowell
Now at this ungodly age, I’m finding myself looking back and reflecting on things I’ve “known” to be true.
The level of indoctrination that I faced is frankly amazing. Let’s start with TV. Growing up I watched a lot of cartoons, every saturday morning and after school. My parents wanted us to leave them alone after work, a feeling I kind of understand now, or on the weekend wanting to sleep in and not be bored. My brothers and I would grab cereal and plop in front of the tv at 8 am and watch cartoons until noon when we would be thrown out of the house.
What did I learn from those cartoons? G.I. Joe and Transformers taught me how it’s my responsibility to die for my country and to be proud of it. (also military family so grew up on base filled with people who loved the military and everything about it. ) It was my DUTY to fight to the death against anyone who talked bad about america. Noble sacrifices and all that.
Notice how everyone is a ‘hero” in america? It’s what we were brought up to be. During covid, restaurant workers were heroes, nurses were heroes. Now that we’ve established that, that’s all. Just words, cheap words. As soon as those ‘heroes’ wanted more than words though. Suddenly it was too much. How dare you want a living wage after working 23 hours in a row! How dare you want a day off! The rest of the country needs YOU (specifically) to continue being a “hero” while we all cower in our homes.
Heroes means you don’t complain. The public gratitude should be more than enough.
My brothers and I all were geared up to join the military. At 18 I signed my draft card proudly and happily. I would die for my country, I would MATTER.
My girlfriend at the time didn’t agree. We fought and it was decided that I would not join the military.
With that life plan interrupted, I just drifted I didn’t know what to do, I’ve always been told what to do. My father was a Marine Drill Instructor. To be fair he was good at his job (so I’ve been told, by him and the medals/awards he displayed proudly in his office), but he didn’t understand that a 6 year old kid, is not the same as an 18 year old recruit who signed up for the military.
My brothers and I were treated as new recruits, we were punished if one of the others did something, we were mentally and physically abused and told that this was normal. Well not told, but what else were we supposed to think? My mother did little to interfere, it wasn’t her place. She cooked and cleaned and had little say in the day to day affairs of the children.
I understand why my father did it, it was what he knew, young kids here’s the best way to get them to do what I want. Of course I don’t think my father was allowed to hit the recruits, but his own children? Absolutely. I learned that children are not to have an opinion. If I was asked a question, I wasn’t supposed to give the correct answer, I was to wait and be TOLD what I should have thought and done.
Several backhands and punches to the face corrected my streak of insubordination, I wasn’t the quickest learner at that time. My younger brother and older brother got it worse than me, but that’s because I realized, I don’t like being hit. Or being yelled at, I also watched them screw up way more than me and learned not to make the same mistakes.
Of course if one of us did something wrong we were all punished, grounded from the tv or not allowed to leave the house kind of thing. But my father’s temper at being ‘disrespected’ from back talk or questioning his authority was quick and to the point.
My life was a series of being told what to and not to do at any given point of my life. Learning to accept that I can not change anything and that I have no control over anything i my life. One year I got some money for my birthday, just 20 bucks, but that was so much money back in the late 80’s, early 90’s. I went out and bought a poster for my room. Well my wall, me and my brothers all shared the same room. I put it up on the wall and was happy I had something of my own.
That weekend my father got drunk and to prove a point, tore it to shreds and left it on the floor, I got grounded because I didn’t clean it up fast enough.
What was the lesson? I didn’t own anything, anything that was given to me was a gift or privilege that could be taken away at anytime for any reason. He was mad I didn’t give him the 20 dollars, since it came from his parents and I should help out around the house more. I believe I was 8? maybe 9.
Every 1st Saturday of the month was ‘field day’ that’s where we had to go and clean the entire house, top to bottom. Usually took from 8 am till 6 pm. And depending on how shitty my dad wanted to be, we could do it 3 or 4 times. He wouldn’t tell us what we missed or what the problem was, just that we had to do it all over again.
One time at 9 pm, we are begging to eat as we haven’t had any food all day. My dad just tells us that we still failed the cleaning. Asking over and over what we missed.
He took out his knife, went to a random corner and dug out a few specks of dirt from the corner. “You didn’t clean as well as I wanted.”
That’s it, we were sent to bed with no dinner. All through the night the sounds of my parents fighting over, whatever it was this time. Every weekend they would start drinking on Friday around 6pm, and stop sometime sunday morning.
So the next morning on Sunday, we were woken up at 2am by my very drunk father shouting at us because WE had upset our mother by not following his instructions and therefore not eating. And she was upset so now we didn’t get to sleep. The house had to be cleaned.
He went to bed. My brothers and I cleaned, until noon the next day when he woke up. Hungover and curious why the fuck we are in the house. It’s sunday get out of the house and leave me alone.
The lesson here? Nothing you do matters. You will do what I tell you until I stop telling you. There isn’t a rhyme, no reason. Just do as your told. Also, don’t complain to your mom and get him in trouble. Keep your fucking mouth shut and do what you’re told.
As for the drunken rambling/raving? I assume that’s because he was embarrassed, he did it so often and would just ignore everyone the next day.
Later, my parents divorced, shocking I know, and suddenly we had all the freedom, my mom didn’t care, she worked 3rd shift had a different boyfriend come by every week, would often try and ‘boss’ us around.
My mother got very religious around this time. Not because she believed in god or anything like that. She would use me and my brothers to go to church and beg for money/help. She wouldn’t go to church, just send us and have us stand in front of the congregation while they talked about how poor and pathetic we were and could people please donate.
Hated it, worse than anything ever. So embarrassing, looking out at all these people that are looking down on you because you’re so pathetic. And what can you do about it? If they don’t give us money or help we will not have electric (again) for this month, our food constantly spoiling, “luckily’ we lived in georgia so it was just hot and humid, not really cold.
I prayed that god or someone, something would step in and help us. My father’s family never reached out, my mother’s family she ignored. CPS (child protective services) got involved several times. I was offered numerous times to leave and go live with a new family. But my mother had already trained us to not accept this, since they were just trying to hurt my mom.
Later, I realized how mentally unwell she was, but at the time… she’s my mother, she wouldn’t lie to me? Or use us for her own benefits, right?
This is running a bit longer than I meant to, my parents got back together a few years later, after my mom dumped me and my brothers on her parents in tennessee. they were in their 70’s trying to take care of 3 growing boys.
My parents got divorced another year after they got back together. My mom got custody again and several years later my dad showed up with my step mother and forced a custody hearing.
I got blamed for a lot by my mom. Apparently when you miss 100 + days of school, they won’t let you pass for the year. We never had a home phone so they couldn’t call, I got the mail so she never knew. I failed the 8th grade, but still had a B average. They couldn’t understand it. (i showed up to school did all the work for the day and left before noon if I showed up at all, would just walk out of class, to the track and follow the railroad tracks home, or to wherever, no one cared what we did back then, just stay out of sight of the police)
The lesson I learned from all of this?
No one is coming to save you. This is on you and you alone. You can’t rely on other people. They can pull their support at anytime, for no reason.
No one cares. It’s your problem.
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