I’m so over shitty people and life. That sums up my week basically. Monday night I was pretty happy and everything was going smoothly. By last night I was ready to just run away, change my name, never talk to anyone again or simply jump off a cliff.
Zak has been a complete douche to me since Tuesday. He was also a complete asshole last week when I reached out about the fact he needs to reschedule his MRIs as they messed them up. I understand he is miserable and scared of the treatments he’s going to have to start. I get that he’s frustrated and it’s never ending medical shit. However, that doesn’t give him the right to take it out on me. I literally haven’t done anything to him. I’ve spent money I don’t have on travel and medical stuff. I’ve taken endless hours off of work to help him. I’ve spent weeks in the hospital for him. I’ve done far more than a parent “has” to do for an adult child.
Yet, as far as he’s concerned every problem in his life is my fault. He was extremely emotionally abusive in his messages. Just hateful and rude. He reminds me so much of my exhusband when he gets like that. He says the same things my ex said. I know it’s a result of that trauma and he’s never learned how to cope in a healthy way. I replied nicely to every text. Every mean message got a polite response. I’m sorry he felt that way. I know it sucks. Blah blah. Then he accused me of telling him to go fuck himself which I never said. He was deadset me saying “Reschedule the MRI. Simple enough” was the same as go fuck yourself. Literally, it was that simple. Reschedule your MRI dude. That’s all I meant.
In the end he just continued spewing hate & that he was cutting me out of his life for telling him to fuck himself. I asked numerous times if I should cancel the hotel room and take back my time off request. He ignored me and finally said yeah, because he wasn’t going and cutting me off meant he was never talking to me again.
Then he texts me later last night. Screenshots of a Facebook post ready to post with some caption about how he has no privacy and he’ll tell everyone all about his childhood. He hasn’t posted the post but he screenshot what he wrote. It was awful.
He went on and on about how abusive my exhusband was from the time he was about 9 - 18. The horrid things he did to us. Some accurate, some inaccurate. I have taken full accountability for this. I know I shouldn’t have stayed as long as I did. I know I should have protected my kids. I failed to. I know this. I’ve apologized. I’ve changed my life. I’ve accepted I was a victim too. I can’t change my ex though. I wish I could. I’m not sure if this post was to hurt me or what. It wasn’t exposing me or my privacy. It was exposing the craziness of my ex. It was only hurting my ex. Most of the world knows I left due to abuse. It wouldn’t be a shock. However, all I could think was if my ex caught wind of that post he’d be fucking insane. Like I wouldn’t put it past him to pull a gun over it.
I didn’t reply to the text. There was nothing to say that I haven’t already said. He texted some more shit today. I didn’t reply to that either. I’m done. For my own mental health I need to just step back and let him do his own life. He can figure out his medical on his own. It breaks my heart but I can’t do this. I can have the insane messages all day. I work two jobs, I have a baby, I’m crazy busy to be spending time crying over abusive texts telling me I’m a shitty person. I’ve worked too hard to get better than to live this all over again. He has my health insurance for 2 more years. That’s the most I can give him at this point. What he chooses to do or not do is on him. I know I’ve tried. My therapist was worried he’d revert to this like before. He did. I’m sad and just trying to stay busy.
Nightmares… I haven’t had nightmares in ages. I’ve been weaning down on my nightly anxiety med and doing so good as the nightmare had gotten so much better and the 3 am panic attacks had ended. Well, Zak and all of his texts and screenshots must have fully got into my brain. Wednesday night was the first nightmare I’ve had in so long. It was awful. Just like before. I woke up terrified. Just like before.
I was at home with my ex. He was being his insanely controlling self. Someone wanted to come over and I told them no because he’d be upset if we had company. I was scared they’d just show up and see what he was like. Then it was Halloween and I’d gotten candy but turned off all the lights because I didn’t want to upset him if someone knocked. I was just walking on eggshells the entire dream. Trying not to upset him. Having like memories of all the times I did upset him already. It was so real. Then somehow I was at my grandparents and wanted to stay there. My grandpa was injured though and my grandma thought I should go be a good wife and just make peace with him. It didn’t make a lot of sense. I just wanted to hang out with my grandparents and missed them so much. But I had to go home. Back to him. I didn’t want to. I fully felt he’d just eventually kill me. Maybe then. Maybe later. Then I woke up.
Doesn’t sound that bad but the memories of the past were bad. The feeling of walking on eggshells was so real and so awful.
Last night I woke up in pure panic twice. More nightmares. Needing to get somewhere but not being able to leave him. Being sad. Being scared. It wasn’t as vivid as the night before but real enough it took me forever to fall back asleep both times.
I was doing good. So good. It’s frustrating. I guess this is what real C-PTSD is. It never goes away. It just gets better for awhile until something triggers it to return. It’s sad it’s my son that triggered it. I wish he’d work on his mental health and outbursts. I’m sure my kids also have PTSD. It is fully my fault for staying for so long. Yet, they each have to choose to help themselves and not let the past define them. The other two are good. Zak though. Zak sounds just like him. He learned his behaviors, his words. It’s sad. I wish I’d of had the courage to leave a decade before I did. Literally.
On another frustrating note… I had the great date Monday night that I wrote about. HE texted me that he wanted to go on another date again soon. His words. Soon. Before our date he’d sent texts about going to the lake sometime. How much he’d like to see me in a swimsuit. How cool I seemed and how he’d like to know me more. He really led the direction we were going. I matched his energy perfectly. I made myself perfect for the date. He told me he had a great time. And again, he said he wanted to see me again soon and maybe Saturday would work and he made the suggestion of where to go. Sounds like the right direction. Right?
Nope, I haven’t heard a word from him since Monday night. Literally the last text he sent was about a possible Saturday night text. I nicely replied a few minutes later. Nothing since. I had texted him Tuesday asking how the day was, etc. He was normally texting me first every morning and I thought I’d just text him while I was thinking about it. No response. Weird but sometimes he does take a bit. He’s a busy doctor. He’d already told me this week was going to be really busy. So I didn’t think much of no response. I texted Wednesday asking if he’d gotten tickets to the comedian he wanted to see already as my plans had changed and I wasn’t going to Minnesota anymore and I’d found a great deal on tickets. We’d previously talked about how badly we both wanted to go to this. He was talking of going and I’d said I wished I could go but couldn’t. No response. So I just didn’t text again. Today I decided to say fuck it… Sent the following text “Good Morning!! How’s your week been? I know you had mentioned you’d have a busy one. Thought I’d reach out and see how things were going & check if you’re still interested in talking and a second date? 😊 Wasn’t sure if you were going ghost mode and I should just take the silence as a hint to go away. 🤣 Hopefully you’re just crazy busy with work, kids & life.” Nothing since.
I seriously do not understand. How can you tell someone how great a date was and you want to see them again… just to go ghost mode? Yeah, he could be busy but it literally takes less than a minute to reply to a text. Even a simple “Hey, I’m crazy busy, it’s going okay. I’ll get back to you on tickets later.” Seconds. So, I don’t get it. At all.
Then my anxious brain starts running in overdrive. What did I do wrong? How did he go from really liking me to ghosting me? Is it something I said? Was I too fat? Am I just a girl on his roster and someone better came along? If that’s the case then what does she have that I don’t have? Why does this happen? Will he eventually reply? What do I need to fix? I even start to think - like did he somehow find my last entry and know it was about him and get offended I didn’t like him enough or think he was cute enough or whatever I said? (I know. So unlikely. I’m just paranoid like that.)
It’s ridiculous. I just keep telling myself it’s a him problem not me. I’ll be enough for the right person. If he can just ghost me he doesn’t deserve me anyways. A person with any human decency doesn’t go ghost but instead sends a “Thanks for the great date but I just don’t feel we’re right for each other. Good luck out there.” Something simple and direct. It’s uncomfortable but I’ve sent plenty of thanks but no thanks messages. Mainly because I don’t believe in ghosting. I believe everyone deserves closure. I expect ghosting for the younger ones. I expect it if you just have a random night of sex and no follow up. I expect it if the date ends and you don’t follow up with a text the same day about how great it was. Hell, I expect it from the gorgeous men that are clear they’re not looking for commitment. For a 43 year old man who’s completely average and stating he wants to see where something goes to just ghost - What in the actual fuck? Aren’t we more mature than that? It’s just freaking frustrating. I won’t be reaching out to him again. Unless he sends me some fabulous text with a damn good reason on why he hasn’t reached out. Even then though - Do I want someone in my life that just goes silent for days at a time? It literally takes no time to shoot off a quick text. I always go back to the saying “if he wanted to he would”. Which is so true. Obviously he doesn’t want to with me and that’s okay. He has that right. I want someone that fully wants me. Yet, he could have had the decency to text that he wasn’t interested then. Ugh. Dating these day sucks.
Between Zak’s totally verbally abusive texts, the nightmares and the ghosting… I just want to cry. I’ve wanted to cry for days. My eyes fill with tears just typing that. I’m sad my kid is so angry. I’m sad I didn’t do what was right for him when he was a child. I’m sad my exhusband has a place in my head still. I’m sad I got ghosted by someone I thought I hit it off with. Like I’m not sad he doesn’t want to be with me, I barely knew him. I’m just sad that he could ghost me so easily.
Then I start to think I screw everything up and just can’t do anything right by anybody. And yeah. Here I am. Sad, depressed, crying, questioning my worth. It’s a vicious cycle.
On a positive note - When Zak told me off for the millionth time and told me I wasn’t going with him o cancelled my hotel room, cancelled my days off at the cafe and bought tickets to see Matt Rife Sunday night. I know he’s not everyone’s cup of tea but he makes me laugh, inappropriate or not. I got the tickets for a steal. Two floor seats for $200 total from a local that was selling them. I’m excited. I’d hoped the date still wanted to go and didn’t have tickets left as it would be a great second date. That doesn’t appear like it’ll happen though. So, I’m debating between going with Chase (he’s the date I’ve saw off/on since early February - oilfield somewhat, couple kids, I just don’t like his parenting schedule & he made me pull away after a comment about the baby that he now regrets but I’ve been making him really prove what he wants now and that he can be consistent) or my nice son. That’s a debate post for a later time though.
I’m really starting to think I might just give up on the dating and maybe give in to giving Chase a complete second chance. I don’t know. I do know I can’t do this rejection ghosting shit though. It’s not for me. Maybe I’ll just hangout with the baby forever and give up. That’s where I’m at these days.
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