It’s almost the weekend. One more day of work. I’m entirely over it so I can’t wait to have a couple days off. The yard looks like shit though so it won’t even be like much of a weekend off as I need to work on that and figure out how to juggle the baby at the same time in the 100 degree weather. Ugh.
Life’s been… life. Not great. Not awful. Just the same bullshit every day.
E is getting so big. I can’t say enough how good of a baby she is. She’s just sweetest, happiest soul. Everyone comments on how much she talks already. She’s been talking nonstop (in baby cooing of course) since about 2 months old. I’m really curious how early she’ll be talking for real. I’m sure it’s the fact I talk to her all day, every day. Just a running commentary. She just lights up when she sees me. She laughs at nothing. She’s started trying to play with toys. And boy is she a chunk. We will be in 6-9 month clothes in the next couple weeks and she isn’t even 4 months yet. I’m absolutely in love with her. I have no idea what the future holds, but I wouldn’t trade this time for anything.
Zak is making me crazy as usual. Today he threatens to not go to Mayo. They changed his appointments around and didn’t mention it. Well, they sent a letter I got yesterday - 6/3. Moving his MRIs to 5/31 and 6/1. Literally, afterwards. He doesn’t check his portal every single day so missed the portal change. Now he’s all frustrated that he has to call and reschedule the MRIs. I need him to call ASAP so they can get them scheduled while we’re there. We will see when he gets around to it. I’d like to believe he won’t really not go. He’s in too much pain to ignore it. I hope.
I’m still REALLY struggling with the Nick feelings. I just want to forget about him and move on. Yet, it’s not that easy. Somedays I find myself questioning what I did wrong for him to end it. Was it because I was going to take the baby? I think that’s why this is so hard. It was so good. Just to end out of the blue. I don’t understand. Obviously, he didn’t truly want me or choose me. Why though? Why did he act so caring and amazing towards me if he didn’t feel it? Why did he let me fall in love if he didn’t truly want forever? I just can’t grasp how you can go from a near perfect relationship, go from wanting to remodel a bathroom together, go from buying me a birthday gift to telling me you’re too busy and it’s over. How? How is it so damn easy? I just keep telling myself to let it go, to accept he didn’t choose me and reminding myself I only want someone who totally wants me, chooses me, every day. I don’t want him if he doesn’t feel the same. Yet my heart, my heart still wants him and misses him. Badly.
So, I just decided to date them all. I’m not even sure I care anymore. I have this theory though that the right person is out there somewhere and I’ll never find him if I don’t just put myself out there. What am I looking for? I have no idea - my happily ever after. What does that look like? I have no idea - none at this point - obviously I keep picking wrong. I’m just trying to keep an open mind. Not just go for my usual type but give everyone a chance. They say date them all - not sex - just dates. And figure out what you’ll accept or not accept. What you like and don’t like. Until you meet the right person.
I’m trying. Seriously trying. I always pick douchey men it seems. So I’m picking different. I’m sticking with a few things I won’t settle on. Superficial things. Must have a real career/job. Can’t be like crazy short. No crazy overweight. No sexual talk in the bio. No pictures that look remotely AI. Looking for long term relationship. Other than that, I’m just pondering the bio or pictures and swiping. If they can carry on a conversation I continue even if I’m not 150% smitten with their looks or job or location or whatever. If they can’t carry on a decent convo I just unmatch.
It’s kind of working. I’m just classifying people by their jobs or some random fact about them. Everyone has a nickname. So far I’ve only been on dates with 4.
Sidney - One I’ve went on dates with since February. I did break things off in April completely but he’s been persistent and working on the reasons I broke it off. He just wasn’t consistent enough. Now he’s consistent and seems to really care. I’m just not positive I’m willing to accept the coparenting schedule he has. And I really don’t like his house. Yeah, sounds dumb but I know I’d be the one that had to move and I’ve worked too hard to live somewhere nice to completely downgrade. I could never afford something like I have now there. I just don’t know if long term is feasible. I do like him. But do I like him enough?
Accountant - Ehhhhhhh, the date was okay. We just had a couple drinks and appetizers. The conversation was okay. There weren’t any crazy sparks or chemistry though. He was polite and respectful. He didn’t seem to eager for the next date though. We’re still somewhat talking but it’s just slow. Yet, the book I read said it’s supposed to be slow. Fast is often love bombing and not real. If he asked me on another date I’d likely go. I don’t have high hopes though. He was on the edge of too young too. I’m also pretty confident we have different political views which could be a major deal breaker.
Alcoholic - Yep. That nickname says it all. The date was great. He was fun and enjoyable. Super cool with the fact I have a baby. He checked a lot of the boxes. Untillllllll, I realized he definitely has a drinking problem. Like got fired for drinking in the job, went to treatment 11 months ago, already drinking again. Yeah, I’m good. Btdt. Never want to do it again. If I just wanted somebody to randomly entertain me and hang out - definitely the guy. Long term - negative. I’m still texting with him out of boredom but yeah, this won’t be going anywhere.
Next up….
Audiologist - So definitely a good job with his own business and hours. Nice back yard and lake cabin. He’s got a boat. Can carry on great conversations. Rearranged his work schedule for a date on Monday - meeting halfway-ish. Has his kids full-time and sounds like a great dad. He’s checking a ton of boxes too. Buttttttt - looks wise I’m not overly excited. Looks aren’t everything though and I know this. We will see how the date goes and if the time together can override the physical attraction. Honestly, he’s got so many positives I’m kind of hoping it does. I am slightly excited to figure it out.
That’s that. I’ve blocked a lot. Unmatched with the majority. Just slowly waiting. The right person will show up somewhere. At some point. Whenever is the right time.
I don’t really have time. So I expect it’s going to take a while.
For now, I’m going to sleep…
Loading comments...