And I’ve made the most amazing breakthroughs
Without blame, Shane, or judgements. Just complete openness, honesty, and acceptance.
I heard today from a coach that most people avoid feeling their feelings not because of the feeling itself, but because of what they think it must mean about themselves. Mic drop
For me, it was fear of what my parents would think about me. If my parents thought something negative, I got beaten. Even if they thought something positive, and then I flubbed it, I was punished.
My primary inhibition to feeling my own feelings was terror that it would create more negative judgement from my parents, or serve as further evidence for existing negative judgements from my parents. As a defensive mechanism, I guess, I or pre-emptively judged myself before the consequences could manifest through the cause and effect chain to harm me.
*My feelings don’t have to mean anything about me * This is so utterly freeing. I feel like a brand new person. Our at least, someone capable of seeing somewhat objectively into my own childhood. Someone capable of recognizing the unique and specific attributes which combined in me to give me the exact experience of my childhood. That I was, almost inevitably, going to have the experience that I did.
It actually has to do with my Human Design type. The 5/1 heretic investigator. The 5 line, at least in my profile, is conscious. So I do percieve and an aware of the 5 line attributes. Which is to say, I am actually aware that when I enter into any kind human interaction, I am projected onto. This is a left-handed orientation, where my ability to be seen is not limited, but instead it’s broadcast to strangers, groups, communities, and far-flung people third or fourth or more, degrees of separation away from me. The energetics of this is that, in a particular kind of genius who has the ability to provide universal solutions. And that universal genius creates a universal kind of debt. Balance the scales, or something.
So it basically works like, I have a gift; a particular gift to help nearly everybody. And everybody has a nose for the fact that I can help them- what’s more, it’s sort of like an unconscious feel where I’m obligated to help them in some way. The only part of this that a choice left to me, is the particular way in which I help the people. Morning what is under my control or my choice. Not the field of perception of every other human being which sees a potential savior, or if I fail, heretic. Not the genius which helps me develop universal solutions. Not even the drive to learn and research and study until I know I’m right. The only thing I have is the very delicate ‘yes’ or ‘no’ discretion, which may or may not be respected by others.
This is what was never respected by my parents. This delicate, and singular, choice point in my life was risky obliterated by them. It took me this long to figure this out. But I did figure it out.
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