Every time I become more embodied, I see shit. Instantly. Stuff that is impossible, that shouldn’t be there. That isn’t there, physically, but it is there.
And, it freaks me out. On a fundamental level. I observe it from a place of objectivity. Like, yeah, that shit’s not supposed to happen, and I feel my body react in fear. My nervous system turns to tension as I contemplate the mind-bending phenomena that I’m perceiving. But all I can think is that’s impossible.
There are notable cases where I percieve something and that fundamental fear does not kick in. I’ve noticed that the fear kicks in with any kind of physical-seeming presence, like a body. Didn’t matter if it’s humanoid or animal or… Whatever. But it does not kick in with lights. Orbs. Small movements of lights far away in the sky. Or orbs close up. The play of light which is physically impossible- that does not cause any fundamental fear in my nervous system that kicks my perception back into the mental.
I don’t know what any of it means. These are just observations.
I noticed a great pressure, a tension within myself to stay in the mental. To not embody too much. To stay heady, airy, light, dancing away. And it is all too easy, for me. Aquarius Sun, Libra Moon and all that Air.
But I also have Scorpio rising and Pluto conjunct, ruling my whole chart. And it is confronting. I’m like a child being scolded; being forced to look at my bad deed, my bad habits. “PAY ATTENTION!” seems to be the message being shouted at me as I’m reprimanded; “Feel your feelings! Be present! Stop it with these stupid distractions!”
I know. I know. Except I see all this weird shit when I try to be present. And it freaks me out. And then I’m back at square one.
Some people say that they only “see” stuff when they close their eyes. Like, they say that they feel the presence of something and will have to close their eyes to see it. I don’t. It might be nice if I did. I see shit with my eyeballs. It seems like there is movement in my periphery- like people, or something, moving. In a self-conscious way, I recognize that I look like a schizo - scanning back and forth and looking wide-eyed constantly moving my head- but with that sort of vacant far-away focus. That’s how I know schizo’s are really seeing shit that’s actually there. That’s how I look when I am seeing it, too LMFAO
If my primary emotional conditioning hadn’t been terror, I might’ve been able to work on reconciling these things. I hear my friend talk about talking to elementals and her unwavering belief in the goodness of everything, and she doesn’t even really believe in evil. Well. I believe in evil. And I’ve never felt taken care of. I recognize these are both subjective states. But they matter.
A schizo is just a mystic with a fucked nervous system. And probably has the misfortune of not being able to turn it off, or disembody enough to get out of it. I need to fix my nervous system so I can actually embody. I’msupposed to be doing my life in my body. But it sucks because there’s so much weird freaky shit to deal with.
Loading comments...