So, I'm seeing someone..
And it's good, it's great, it's fine. She's a big dork with pink hair, Doc's, collects weird shit, and is better at Fortnite than me. She doesn't talk for the sake of it so when she says something, I should pay attention and the silence doesn't mean a lack of interest. Cool. I dig it. I dig her.
It's just...
Every time I leave or she leaves or we leave wherever we are, I look (hope?) for a text from the ex. And I know I'm being insane cuz that girl has no time for me but I'm not sure exactly what's keeping her in my head. Well, that's not true. I know.
It was the intensity. It was the way she loved me. The way she spoke to me. And the way she saw the world. Completely unique. I mean, yeah, she could be an asshole and take all this shit away if she felt hurt or crossed and not say a word about it. But generally, she made me feel a way I hadn't felt in a long time. And I think she felt the same way. At least she said she did.
We thought things the same way and we could be judgy assholes together but it made me feel seen. And we knew how to touch each other, and I don't just mean sexually. She knew what to say when I felt like shit and I loved giving her what she needed from me. She would often say she needed nothing from me but that was bullshit. She would ask for it without asking and she knew it.
We didn't last long and that one time when she asked me to wait for her while she figured her shit out, I should've said no. I should've let her go then...I just, I couldn't. But I was being selfish. I wanted her. The next 7 months we still spoke every day all day like we had since the day we met.
But we didn't see each other, no matter how many times I asked. I didn't understand and she could never articulate her feelings very well. So there was a loop there that we would inevitably come back to no matter how well things were going. I wanted more. She was good with how things were. This conversation would eventually drive her crazy and her wanting nothing to do with me. but given the things we'd say to each other and about each other, I thought we felt the same way about each other. I thought there was enough there to fix whatever issues we had. But that assumption ended up being very wrong. She had moved on, she was looking for someone else.
Anyway, my point here is that I'm spinning my fucking wheels and every time I try to cut this connection I feel my goddamned scissors break and feel like such an asshole. I'm looking for that intensity, I'm looking for that love she gave me, I'm looking to be known the way she knew me. She knew everything.
And when I don't feel it in someone new...I see her face and it haunts me.
Well, it's truth. It's the truth that haunts me.
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