Why can’t I feel?
I seem to have some access to my emotions. The physical experience of them, at least. Particularly with empathy, which is just a form of projection. According to my fragile little mind.
It stings a little bit, but I’m okay that Jaiden isn’t talking to me. He at least explained himself. He is being antisocial because he is focusing on his wellness. He is trying to fix his sleeping schedule and his fitness.
This is what my empathy is doing. We had some good pillow talks. Jai has a history with eating disorders. He was too insecure to take his shirt off with me because he is the heaviest he has ever been. His winter bulk. He is wanting to lean out. When we were together last, he told me about his ex. I feel like he opened up all of his scars, and I just feel some type of way about it.
The thought of him not feeling like he isn’t good enough made my heart feel broken, when I was thinking about this the other day. The thought of anyone not being comfortable in their own skin kind of hurts. But on the other hand, my brain still judges. I can’t help it.
This is just one example of not feeling dead inside. Maybe the medication (Concerta) that I am on is reducing the noise in my head. Unclogging my emotions.
I woke up at the start of witching hour. I don’t need caffeine anymore, that’s for damn sure. I have a busy day ahead of me, but I am not dreading it. I’m actually looking forward to life. Just in general. I woke up thinking about work. About my boys and all the activities I can’t wait to do with them. Just little things like going for bike rides. I haven’t talked about work in a while, really, but it’s going super well. Like, too good to be true. My program is thriving. It is growing, actually. Lots of exciting things. I got a $2 raise. Blah, it’s just going swell. The job itself is just the right level of challenging for me.
I am basically waiting for a socially acceptable time to start doing my chores around the apartment. It will wake up my roommate but I don’t care. My gym doesn’t open for another hour and a half so I got time to kill.
Basically, I want to get my life right. I just need to start with some structure and set some goals. I have been aimless since I unfollowed my dreams last month. My friends left me unattended and I became a Grindr slut but I closed that chapter. It was an intense month and I hate that the connections I made petered out, it’s not right but that’s okay.
Speaking of pretending that something is okay, I had a very concerning moment yesterday. I blacked out for a fraction of a second. Got super dizzy. I was driving! Not at that second, I was stopped. I had my foot on the brake and I was letting one of my work kids out of the car. I got super dizzy, enough where I felt my arms drop and my foot let go of the brake. I’ll talk to my pharmacist or doctor about it tomorrow.
Loading comments...