I think that’s the only way I can accurately sum up everything I’m feeling. I’ll be honest, it doesn’t feel real just yet. And one thing I’m noticing? There’s no small emotion when it comes to this. It feels like every feeling that makes its way through my brain feels all encompassing. Like one minute I’m extremely hopeful, then I feel defeated, then scared, then god only knows what else.
yesterday was rough. work lasted at least 72 hours and I really just wanted to hang out by myself. My work friends have been nothing short of amazing, but I’m just not in the headspace where I can pretend that everything’s cool just yet. They’ve all been extremely supportive (and only a few of my guy friends seemed awkward when they asked for details and I was telling them about my cancerous nipple lol)
one of the big things I want to clarify- I’m honestly not afraid that this will kill me. I’m only 43, aside from this I’m in relatively good health, and it’s still in early stages. Plus since they caught this early, I’m feeling pretty confident that this won’t do me in. What I am scared of, though, is literally everything else. I’m scared I’ll have to go through chemo, I’m scared I’ll have to get a mastectomy, I’m scared of how this is going to change me as a person, because how can it not, you know? I just don’t want it to make me bitter. I know how I can be, and I’m afraid that this is going to shift the way that I think about everything in a negative way and being pessimistic is one of the worst things I can do right now.
I’m also worried that people will start avoiding me like the plague because they feel awkward around me and don’t know what to say, and its easier to ignore than engage. Oddly enough, part of me is also worried about people that feel like I need someone around 24/7 and they’ll just be overly clingy when I just want to be alone or something.
Since I’m friends with most of you on social media, I also just wanted to say thank you for ALLLLLLLL the love and encouragement on the post I made yesterday. I had so many people from so many different chapters of life reach out to me, and that actually felt really nice. Two ex boyfriends (and one was a huge shocker lol) some old coworkers that I lost touch with, old teachers, etc. like, the support I received yesterday really felt like it made such a difference.
My family has been really supportive, too. Matt’s just as emotional and all over the place as I am right now, but that’s to be expected. My mother in law and my sister in law (who is also currently going through breast cancer, she’s at the end of her treatment) have been a good resource as well. My parents have been extremely supportive and sweet, and I had a nice long chat with my brother yesterday. So I’m definitely feeling the love, and I’m super grateful for that.
So Tuesday I’m going to meet with my doctor to discuss the results in detail. We did touch base the other day and she confirmed that I was right. I have an “infiltrating well differentiated duct carcinoma” which means that the cancer started in my milk ducts but has now spread to the breast tissue surrounding the nipple, which means it’s likely stage 1 or 2A, which just means it hasn’t gotten to the lymph nodes yet (thank god!). I’m assuming they’ll schedule an MRI to see if I have it anywhere else in my body, probably do the BRCA test (it’s the test that determines whether or not you carry the gene that causes cancer, or something to that effect?) but if I have that gene, based on everything I’ve read they’d likely recommend a mastectomy in that situation.
Usually with cancer they do the surgery first, remove any lumps, and then they tell you the stage and what the treatment plan will look like. So that’s where I’m at right now. More waiting. Which is super fun, because I have no patience at all.
Anyway, I think I’m gonna have some coffee, some gummies and get my day started. Hopefully today will be a little less emotional- I’m really sick of crying randomly
Anyway, have a glorious Sunday
Loading comments...